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To be really angry at baby massage teacher ....grrrrrrr

(118 Posts)
mosschops30 Wed 03-Mar-10 17:02:06

I went to baby massage today with ds2, I took ds1 when he was little and it was great and I made some good friends.
Its in a birthing centre which shouldnt make any difference to what Im going to say.

We all had to go round the room and say our names, babys names etc and then she said 'how are you feeding' and added 'og but its doesnt matter, it really makes no difference' several times, therefore clearly indicating that it made a difference, as there is everything handy there for both bf and ff mums.
Then she went on to say that the two of us that were bottle feeding may be missing out on the bonding that the other mothers have got with their babies and that the massage should help us get closer because we probably havent bonded as well as bf mums angry hmm WTF?????

I was about to say something as she asked the other ff mother if she had attempted to bf, and the poor new mum (1st baby) said shyly that she had tried but just couldnt get on.

Im sooo fucking angry about this, she didnt ask me, probably because she could see the look on my face, I might tell her next week the reason why I didnt continue to bf and shut her up.

Im angry and feel sorry for other mum and how she must have felt, Im on dc3 so couldnt give a flying you know what now really what people say to me.
The others mums looked a bit hmm too and a bit uncomfortable tbh

displayuntilbestbefore Wed 03-Mar-10 17:03:18


rubyslippers Wed 03-Mar-10 17:03:40

that is incredibly insensitive

i think you should say something to her if you feel you can

i think you were restrained not to this time around


heQet Wed 03-Mar-10 17:04:10

No, I'd be angry too. I am amazed you managed to contain yourself and not tear her a new one challenge her.

spongebrainbigpants Wed 03-Mar-10 17:05:15

Absolutely appalling behaviour. I would have been furious.

I would say something to her. Stupid cow.

displayuntilbestbefore Wed 03-Mar-10 17:05:39

blush mine should have said YANBU

lambanana Wed 03-Mar-10 17:05:50

I wouldn't go back. But then you are cutting your nose off to spite your face.

AnnaSceptic Wed 03-Mar-10 17:06:41

You should say something to her next week, but politely. Don't rant. Just get their early, ask for a quite word and say 'I really thought your comments about feeding last week were inappropriate and insensitive and I just thought I should mention it, in case you weren't aware?'.

Put her on the backfoot, so she has to explain herself.

But YANBU. She has no right to make these sort of assumptions.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress Wed 03-Mar-10 17:07:32


One of the reasons that bf is erroneously cited as helping the bonding process is because of the skin to skin contact you have over and over again through the day. You release falling in love hormones when you have skin to skin contact with someone and so does your baby, so breastfeeding enables lots of that. It's not the feeding, it's the skin to skin contact. Baby massage creates lots of extra skin to skin contact where you and your baby will release lots of feeling loved/falling in love hormones.

She's trying to help, not to be rude. You are being oversensitive and defensive.

I think she just used tactless words, she shouldn't have pointed out who was or wasn't, or asked you to say. She could have just as easily said 'if you are FFing, you may find that you can recreate some of the bonding that comes more easily if you Bfeed' but I can't see that she would have been doing it to make a point, more to be kind.

cakeywakey Wed 03-Mar-10 17:09:23

If she's a massage teacher she should be teaching massage, not giving her opinions on feeding methods - particularly in a way that could make women feel bad/angry. I think it's worth mentioning to her that she was being insensitive.

JeremyVile Wed 03-Mar-10 17:10:02

Oh gosh. She sounds a right twonk.

Might not have bonded as well....indeed.

I can understand why you're cross, but she just sounds so utterly crass and lacking in social grace I'd feel a wee bit sorry for her.

I'd probably snigger at her a bit too.

TottWriter Wed 03-Mar-10 17:11:06

YANBU. What a prize cow that woman is. Some people just need a slap round the face to wake them up to the real world outside their 'isn't everything perfect' bubble.

Yes, we all know that in the majority of circumstances, BFing confers a lot of advantages to the child. But, quite apart from the fact that bonding with a child has more to do with the temperament of mother and offspring, it's damned insensitive of her to presume she knows better than the mother in question. What if that poor woman had a genuine medical condtion which prevented her? Okay, chances are she doesn't, and it was a lack of support which made her stop, (which is an equally valid reason IMO) but either way, that's downright sh*y.

MarineIguana Wed 03-Mar-10 17:12:03

shock That's appalling! And there was no reason at all to do it - it's none of her business, doesn't affect the class and if you are all at baby massage anyway it's unnecessary to point out any difference in how useful it might or might not be to you.

I am massively pro-BF but that is not something anyone should say to new mothers, and especially when they have no idea of the circumstances. Way to make people feel crap and inadequate and air her own views when they have nothing to do with the class at all.

I would be writing a letter, once I'd calmed down!

mosschops30 Wed 03-Mar-10 17:13:43

mrswobble I totally understand all that, and I can understand why youre told all that at antenatal classes and after giving birth, as its relevant then and the more people who bf the better.
However all these babies are 8 weeks and over, so those of us that are ff cant change it even if we wanted to.
I just felt she was splitting the group into ff's and bf's which is unfaur.

I also dont believe that I havent bonded as well with my baby as a mum who's bf her child. Im sure there are plenty of bf mums who havent been able to bond, the pair are not exclusive.

anna thats great, she is a very nice lady so Im sure I could do that, im not even sure it was intentional.

I wish I could have spoken to the other mum when we left, I hope she didnt feel bad sad but I had to rush and pick up ds1.

lambanana i do want to go back because I had so much fun doing it with ds1, and it was the same woman, but I dont remember her being like that last time

JeremyVile Wed 03-Mar-10 17:14:05

I LOVE coming across women like this.

They generally ask, all earnest, head inclined, soft voice, if I had problems establishing BF. I soon learned the most fun response is "Nah, couldn't be arsed"

acebaby Wed 03-Mar-10 17:15:47

That is incredibly insensitive. With DS1, every week the baby massage teacher went round the room asking the babies' names, ages and some other random question like whether your baby had teeth yet. I guess that the asking a question thing must be a way of breaking the ice.

It was inappropriate of your teacher to ask the ff/bf feeding (a highly emotive issue) - and even more so for her to make public comments about people's answers. I'm not sure what you can do about it. Perhaps you could e-mail her?

AnnaSceptic Wed 03-Mar-10 17:16:03

In my opinion, any professional who comes into contact with new mothers should not make any comment about feeding that could be perceived as a value judgement.

It's unprofessional.

ChoreDodger Wed 03-Mar-10 17:17:54

.... and people wonder why terms like 'lactivists' are in use. I would ask for a refund. That way her bosses will be pissed off with her! (I breastfed, but I hate that ramming it down new mothers' throats stuff).

Baileysismyfriend Wed 03-Mar-10 17:20:00

YANBU. What a patronising nasty woman.

paisleyleaf Wed 03-Mar-10 17:21:14

It's hard to tell if she was BU or not.
It does sound as though she was just (clumsily) trying to promote baby massage with the bonding stuff.
And could she have asked about the breastfeeding because, working in a birthing centre, she wants to get to the root of what might be causing problems for mums?

shushpenfold Wed 03-Mar-10 17:22:56

I would have been livid if this had been said to another class member. It has no bearing on anything SHE's doing - they are 8 weeks, no 2 hours old!

spongebrainbigpants Wed 03-Mar-10 17:24:58

MrsWobble, as others have pointed out it's a highly emotive issue and she didn't need to say anything at all. Those women who were ff don't need it pointed out to them that some people think they won't bond with their babies as well as if they'd bf, and they'd already made a decision to do baby massage so she doesn't need to 'sell' it to them in that way anyway.

She was just being very very thoughtless, and she needs telling before she seriously upsets someone.

bernadetteoflourdes Wed 03-Mar-10 17:26:17

Mrswobbleangry FFS I breast fed first two and bottle fed DS who was last at the mo he is more loving than DDs at the mo. And FYI my "falling in love hormones" were v. strong with all 3, the bottle made no difference Horses fo courses and people should never judge another woman for her choices. Icoach young kids but would never praech to mums on the few kids still in nappies it is not my place I stick to what I am trained to do. Your massage teacher is wrong, unprofessional and shhe overstepped the line you are not over sensitive

Tiredmumno1 Wed 03-Mar-10 17:27:12

So does that mean i am not bonded with my 7 year old, as he was not bf, that was purely because he didnt like it, but my youngest was bf, and my relationship with both was fine, we still bonded.

MadamDeathstare Wed 03-Mar-10 17:28:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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