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to be a bit pissed off with my friend

(33 Posts)
Chooster Fri 05-Feb-10 09:39:08

My pal and I have been best friends for about 12 years but 5 yrs ago I moved 250 miles away to where my DH is from so we can raise the DC there. My friend and I made great promises of seeing each other every 6 weeks or so but you know how it is - we've each got 2 kids each so its hard. But we always chat on the phone and we still feel closer to each other than any other friend we see more regularly. I've probably made about 5 trips to see her and she's been up once.

We've still got quite a few friends where we used to live so are excitedly planning a road trip in half term (2 wks time) and staying with 4 sets of friends. Anyway, my best friend sent me a text last night asking if we could stay in a hotel when we are due to stay with them as they are still playing musical beds as their youngest is 8 months old. I called but got voice mail so left a message to say that we would all be happy in one of the 2 downstairs rooms as we are coming armed with blowup beds so we could all camp away from them upstairs - I did say a hotel is not a problem as well though, not meaning it but was a bit taken aback and didn't want her to feel awkward. Anyway she texts again this morning to say that one of the rooms down stairs it filled with boxes and she often ends up downstairs in the other room if the little one is not sleeping to let her DH rest as he's busy at work.

A hotel would be OK but its not the same as chilling with a glass of wine once the kids are in bed and just mooching around in the morning have a nice relaxed chat over a cup of tea and toast smile. Also my DH lost his job in december so I dont really want to be forking out for 2 nights in a hotel.

Am i being unreasonable to be pissed off that we are making this effort with 2 young kids and they can't risk her DH being tired for one or 2 nights if the baby is restless and they stay upstairs. By the way the baby has her own room, as does their older daughter and her DH has only recently been away on a ski trip with his mates so he can't be that busy at work.

I know its her house and her decision but I know I wouldn't do that... so, am i being unreasoable?

Lifeinagoldfishbowl Fri 05-Feb-10 09:42:14

YABU - can you not stay with another of your friends an extra day and and extra day at anothers.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Fri 05-Feb-10 09:43:28

I think YABU.
When you break it down it may not sound alot 2 nights or whatever but honestly I have been in the position of having one guest when the dc's end up poorly or we were having issues with sleep problems in ds when he was a baby and believe me it is bloody hard going having to feel on all the time for guests no matter how close you are to them so I can only imagine that the thought of having 4 of you is just too much for her right now.

I don't think you are wrong to feel disappointed that you won't be staying with them but unreasonable to be pissed off that they feel for whatever reason it is just oo much to put you up at the moment.

jumpingbeans Fri 05-Feb-10 09:44:39

No you are not, as you said part of the fun is mooching around chatting when the lo's are alsleep, and as it is just for a couple of days, but hey ho - everyone is different, but i'm on your side on this one

redskyatnight Fri 05-Feb-10 09:46:18

She's a good friend and she obviously felt she could be honest with you rather than saying it would be fine for you to stay and it being very awkward.

Surely the hotel would be fine (maybe your friend could come over for a bit?) or you could stay with another friend.

Also, I know it seems a pain, but IME if you are the one that moves away you do tend to be the one that ends up doing most of the travelling.

mazzystartled Fri 05-Feb-10 09:48:19

It's not as much fun in a hotel, BUT she wouldn't tell you it was a problem, if it genuinely wasn't. She probably feels that as you are such close friends she can ask this of you because you will understand (having 2 kids of your own etc etc)
I'd just whizz in and see them for the day, or spend one night in a hotel nearby, if you can possibly afford it.

l39 Fri 05-Feb-10 10:05:54

YABU, I'm afraid. She's your friend but her DH isn't - he may have blown his top about having your family to stay and the bit about the baby is just a polite fiction. Don't risk your friendship by making a fuss.

Skegness Fri 05-Feb-10 10:15:19

I think you probably need to talk to her ear to ear. It does sound unwelcoming to me- we also have a young baby and as long as guests are happy to put up with her night time shennanigans and our messy home we are v happy to have them. I wonder if l39 is right about her husband being a factor here? If they are really not up for guests at the moment I'd be tempted to cut them out of the road trip and see them another time.

Chooster Fri 05-Feb-10 10:19:09

Thanks all - guess I am being unreasonable, I'm sure I wont be pissed off later on today about it smile. I do know what its like to have guests and have 2 kids in the house and I would never have an issue with it. Her kids aren't ill or anything, they are just kids! smile.I guess i'm judging it all by my own way of thinking and I'd just make it work to see a close friend (her DH is a friend too) that we've not seen now for a year.... But I take your points and I'll chill out about it... Staying with other friends is not really an option as we are visiting people in all corners of London so if we are going to see her it would have to be a hotel or just catch up somewhere else in the day.


DuelingFanjo Fri 05-Feb-10 10:28:06

YABU. Either a hotel is ok with you or it isn't.

DuelingFanjo Fri 05-Feb-10 10:28:47

woops, sorry!

TrickyTeenagersMum Fri 05-Feb-10 10:43:03

I know it seems like she's being a bit selfish or inflexible. But I can rememember when babies were tiny and sleep was in short supply being hysterical about the slightest extra chore liek having to go out for a pint of milk. I was so knackered. We had some visitors who realised how knife-edge our domestic arrangements were and stayed in a hotel (they volunteered). I was so, so grateful to them - not least because it meant we didn't have to do the glass of wine thing every evening when what I wanted was to collapse into bed at 8pm. The following year and for many after, they have been to stay in the house and we have a great time, but I will always be grateful to them for that.
Think you should just go along with what she is suggesting, realise it is probably code for "we are shattered, house is a tip, dh and I are at each other's throats - especially since he buggered off skiiing - and I just can't face house guests". Bit of give n take required in all friendships, I'd say. Now's the time for you to give not take.
If you really can't afford it, though, just don't go. No point in going overdrawn for this, is there.

ChippingIn Fri 05-Feb-10 11:19:44

I don't think YABU. No matter how tired/stressed/messy the house was/how stroppy DH was being - I would never ask my best/close/good friends to stay at a hotel instead. As you say, it's the chilling time that you miss with close friends, you want to spend time with them, not meet for a 'visit'....

Would she have told you if her and her DH were going through a very rough patch??

Chooster Fri 05-Feb-10 13:17:37

Oh yes definately she would have said! We often bitch about our DH's and have a good laugh (in a nice way obviously) about the strains of relationships. It just makes me sad that I'll miss that 'glass of wine chatting' that you really only get once the kids are in bed and not around. All 4 kids are 5 and under so very vocal, as you can imagine smile. She and I have been through some interesting times together and lived together for a couple of years. She also supported me when my baby died and is one of the few people I would talk to about it (or actually I should say one of the few people who asks me about it anymore). Ah, I'm just being silly, but I guess I'm a bit nostalgic of how our friendship used to be and want some of that back smile. Believe me I know what its like to have a house a tip and have strained relations with DH - I'm a working mum of 2 boys, I do understand that visitors add to the workload, but we're very easy guests (honest - even travel with out own beds and bedding!) and the boys are very well behaved.

As someone said friendships are about give and take and I'm the one who is making the efforts to travel (happily I should add as I know I'm the one who moved away), but I would just expect a friend to open her door to make it as easy as possible. Like you say, give and take... I would never in a million years see a good friend with young kids in tow in a hotel down the road when they had specifically come to see me.

But. I'll stop the rant and just relax about it...

TrickyTeenagersMum Fri 05-Feb-10 14:19:56

Chooster I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. That is really really tough.
One of my friends lost a baby and I'm never sure whether to talk about what happened or not these days - 8 years and 2 babies later - do you appreciate it when people mention, or not?
I think it is definitely odd that she has said this whole thing about the hotel when you have been so close before, but you will have to abide by it.
And I have to say that I know you can argue "I am doing the travelling ie making the effort" but also you are the ones choosing to have a holiday now, when it suits you, and it's clearly not a good time for her. Is a lot easier sometimes to be a guest than a host - I can find visitors a huge strain if things aren't going smoothly at home... and they often aren't.

StealthPolarBear Fri 05-Feb-10 14:29:34

I'm afraid i agree yabu (I know you have been back). I had 3 friends stay whenDS was tiny and it was so hard, all the things that made my life easier (watching TV on the sofa in the middle of the night when he wouldn't sleep; having a shower with the door open so he could be in the tiny ensuite) weren't possible. The late night wine was time I could have been sleeping...just couldn't deal with it. That was only one night.

allaboutme Fri 05-Feb-10 14:42:09

Thinking of it the other way round - imagine how stressed and over whelmed she must be to want you to stay in a hotel rather than have that lovely catch up over a glass of wine with you?
Could you ask your DH if he'd mind sorting the kids just one of the evenings and take your friend out for a drink/dinner just on your own? She might appreciate the break from the stress and a chat with you...

Chooster Fri 05-Feb-10 14:57:48

Good idea allaboutme, I'll suggest that! - I probably am being a little selfish about the way I reacted to it. Is 8 months really that tiny though... I had quite a few visitors to stay when my boys were babies - 8 months is not that young is it?

Trickyteenagersmu - Yes I do appreaciate it when people mention it, although its probably a personal thing so not everyone would. In the beginning I didn't really want to talk about it as it was so raw but now that I do (3 yrs later), I think people have either got it in their heads that its a taboo subject or they've forgotten (in a 'get on with life' way, not a mean way) He is never mentioned now although to me I always have 3 sons so I do appreciate it when thats remembered by a friend. It doesn't even need to be a morbid discussion, just referencing it makes him feel more real and re-inforces that he did exist.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Fri 05-Feb-10 15:07:55

I think 8 months being tiny is down to perspective really.
I tried to not let having the dc's stop us getting out and about and doing things but have a friend who it is a mammoth task to go down the shops it is all down to how we cope and deal with things.

I am generally a come round have a coffee let us put you up person but like I said in my other post there were times when the dc's have been ill or even when they were just younger that I found it really stressful for whatever reason having people around.
Like someone else said you are looking forward to sitting in the evenings with a glass of wine and a chat but she might be dreading that bit, I know myself when ds was a bad sleeper it was the last thing I could have coped with no matter who it was and I really just needed to chill, bath and fall into bed ready to be woken up 5 times that night.

TrickyTeenagersMum Fri 05-Feb-10 23:59:11

Hi Chooster,
I think that's good advice about the baby, I will mention her more often. Is hard cos I never even met her - so wish I had - she had a cot death, v soon after birth sad.
On the other subject, eight months old is either great time to have visitors, cos the baby is getting to be in a nice routine and bit more manageable. Or, as was in the case case of my ds2, they are still waking three times a night and, as this has been going on for eight months solid, you are by now psychotic with tiredness. Six months to nine months was for me the absolute worst, just because of the cumulative effect of it all. It was around then that I found myself having heated rows with neighbours, shouting at people in car parks, crying for no reason, contemplating divorce and generally losing my marbles!

tiredlady Sat 06-Feb-10 00:39:59

I am going against the flow, YANBU.
You are visiting for 2 days not 2 weeks.I can see why you would feel slightly hurt, I would too.

However, I would be so offended that I would deliberately not visit, even if I could afford a hotel.
I do not recommend that at all. Highly childish, very immature, and not conducive to a good friendship.
I can be quite an idiot at times

lindy100 Sat 06-Feb-10 08:22:09

I think it is a bit U of you to keep saying 'it would be all right' - do you keep saying this to her?

Yes, it's a shame and abit disappointing, but no means no - lots of other threads on here about this and that where people say 'please don't do X' and the other person replies 'we'll do X but it will be fine.' Annoying, I'm afraid. And v difficult to say no to twice. Don't put pressure on your friend.

thesecondcoming Sat 06-Feb-10 09:20:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

themildmanneredjanitor Sat 06-Feb-10 09:29:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo Sat 06-Feb-10 09:46:03

this is why I always meet up with friends without kids
ask her if she'd arther a girlie night away just the 2 of you when the youngest is a bit older

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