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To make DH choose between us and old family?

(590 Posts)
WashwithCare Fri 08-Jan-10 21:39:34

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

dilbertina Fri 08-Jan-10 21:41:09


Batteryhuman Fri 08-Jan-10 21:42:46


MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours Fri 08-Jan-10 21:44:14

Yes - you are. If he considers them as his children then you cannot ask him to walk away from them.

How about some sort of mediation or family counselling?

lucyellensmumagain Fri 08-Jan-10 21:44:19

Walk then, get out of their lives, selfish cow

fattybumbum Fri 08-Jan-10 21:44:58

Let's see how you feel when he walks out on you then...

tulpe Fri 08-Jan-10 21:45:49


It is up to your DH to sort out the issues with his ex. But he shouldn't have to do so under massive stress from you.

It takes more than giving somebody your sperm to be a father. You should be proud of him for continuing to a father to 2 children whom he has raised as his own. It says a lot about his character, imo.

sparklefrog Fri 08-Jan-10 21:45:52

Why do you want him to choose?

What is it you have had enough of? Could you be a little more specific please?

DollyMessiter Fri 08-Jan-10 21:45:54

It seems strange that a super high earner hasn't considered the idea of arranging access with a solicitor, in order to avoid his ex screaming on the door step etc.

He has been the father figure to these children, and it seems unfair that the children should lose him because he decided to start another relationship.

It would be rather dramatic to end the relationship with the father of your soon-to-be-born baby over this.

He needs to put his affairs in order (pun intended) by formalising his arrangement with his ex, imo.

ChloeHandbag Fri 08-Jan-10 21:47:19

what everyone else has said.

nickschick Fri 08-Jan-10 21:47:29

I think you are feeling very emotional and worried that this will affect your 'family',if you speak to your husband and explain your worries to him then maybe he will be able to reassure you.

Its vv difficult when theres 'another' family ......i know sad.

sparklefrog Fri 08-Jan-10 21:48:12

Also wondering why his ex and DC from this relationship are screaming abuse at you and your DH on your doorstep?

TheCrackFox Fri 08-Jan-10 21:48:31

He'll do the same to you in 5 yrs time so enjoy the "super high earner" whilst it lasts.

addictedtolatte Fri 08-Jan-10 21:49:22

yes uabu. you selfcentred individual. are you for real. i think you need to read your post back and get a grip.

Boys2mam Fri 08-Jan-10 21:49:24

Hang on Lucyellensmum, I normally agree with you but thats a bit harsh.

OP, you need to differentiate that to the kids he is the dad and his ex-p is obviously freaking out floundering.

How does he feel about all this?

Lifeinagoldfishbowl Fri 08-Jan-10 21:49:38

what a charmer you are; you got with your partner while he was already with someone else and now you want him to "walk out" on "his" kids too!!

TBH I hope he chooses the children he has nurtured and loved for 12 years rather than you - as what does that tell you about the kind of dad he is.

macdoodle Fri 08-Jan-10 21:49:54

Nasty nasty nasty selfish self absorbed grrrrangry
So you had an affair with a man who was living with a partner and 2 DC he considered his own, and now want him to cut them off for you angry
What a nasty piece of work you are, my views on OW are well know, but would never wish that on another person, find myself almost hoping he does the same to you shock

paulaplumpbottom Fri 08-Jan-10 21:50:06

Well asking him to cut off contact is unreasonable but it doesn't sound like he is being fait here either. He sounds like a very caring person. It takes a pretty special person to take on kids who aren't his own. You need him to be as sensitive to your needs as he is of theirs. Sit him down and talk to him about how this is affecting you. You need a proper visiting schedule for the kids and he needs to ensure that you are not being abused. Its probably not fair to ask them to move out. Nothing wrong with him supporting the kids finacially but he shouldn't be supporting her.

tulpe Fri 08-Jan-10 21:50:06

ALso, if I understand your OP correctly, you were the "other woman" for a while.......perhaps that's why the ex has a problem with you?

mrsboogie Fri 08-Jan-10 21:51:03

'fraid so, yes. You can't really blame them for acting the way they do - as far as they are concerned you came along and took their dad away. They sound like they are very difficult but putting them out on the street penniless is not the answer.

Would you really want to be with a man who could walk away from 2 children who see him as their dad?

coppertop Fri 08-Jan-10 21:51:03

So not only do you want your dh to cut off contact with the children he shared 10 years of his life with, you also want to make them homeless?


paulaplumpbottom Fri 08-Jan-10 21:51:15

Oh wait you were seeing him when he was with someone else? Not cool.

wannaBe Fri 08-Jan-10 21:51:44

"DH left his ex when we met" you were the OW then? hmm

"DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house." the least he can do given he'd fucked off with another woman ie you.

"Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me" can't say I blame them given you destroyed their family.

So - in a word, what goes around comes around...

scottishmummy Fri 08-Jan-10 21:52:08

what a daft you value your marriage so badly that any problem and you are offsky issuing threats

grow the fuck up,you married a man with history and well these things dont always go smoothly

i sympathise with your annoyance but not your come across as precious princess

this is your dh and partenr issue to resolve

mummysgoingmad Fri 08-Jan-10 21:52:27

ok you may be a touch hormonal cause your pergnant..but your not mad surely! put yourself in those kids position, he's been their dad when they didn't have 1 and you want them to go without because the mothers a nightmare and 1 of them steals.. have a word with the one thats stealing!! If he's loaded go through a lawer for access so you dont have to deal with the mum. of course they dont like broke up their family (thats the way they probably see it) ffs dont be so insensitive!!!

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