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AIBU?

To find this disturbing and distasteful?

88 replies

standingonmyhands · 31/12/2009 01:59

Just been watching the programme on C4 about the tsunami in 2004. The programme was heartbreaking, it interviewed people who were there and whose family members/friends had died or, luckily, survived.

A couple were interviewed and were laughing on camera, I mean bent double laughing, about the fact that they'd 'had a shag' on the morning in question. All ok, I imagined their story would go on to say that the tsunami hit and they were all ok. But then they went to talk about how their daughter died in the tsunami.

I just found this so awful hat they found it appropriate to find anything amusing about that day. I appreciate that shock can make you say things you may not mean at the time but this documentary was 5 years after the event.

I just found their comments so awful. Am I overreacting?

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 31/12/2009 02:01

Sorry, but it's none of your business how bereaved people behave on camera. YABU.

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LittleMontyontheDustyRoad · 31/12/2009 02:11

Yes, but I think it was said with regret. Had they not done so, their morning might have been totally different, ie gone somewhere else, done something else with their little Isabelle.

The wife corrected him and said 'we made love.' They were trying to be brave for the cameras and I'm not sure they should be criticised for their lack of acting skills. They were both devastated.

I think the use of the word shag was probably inapposite. But hey.

There but for the Grace of God and all that.

They are working there for a charity now in Isabelle's name.

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LittleMontyontheDustyRoad · 31/12/2009 02:13

And Standing - YANBU - it was my first thought.

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standingonmyhands · 31/12/2009 02:22

I'm thinking about this again and it wasn't really the use of the word 'shag', if was more the laughing. Yes i understand the sometimes inappropriateness of behaviour when grieving - I sniggered very inappropriately during my dad's funeral through nerves/grief/whatever - but it was the fact that this programme was made a fair while after the couple lost their daughter.

Aargh, it's 2.20am and maybe I'm overthinking this.

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Watchtheworldcomealivetonight · 31/12/2009 02:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

standingonmyhands · 31/12/2009 03:08

Maybe it's me but I couldn't see the devastation, just found the interview with them quite odd.

Oldlady, these people chose to be on camera, it wasn't like a video or mic were shoved into their face against their will at a time of distress- we're talking 5 years after the event. Though they're still bereaved whatever the timeframe, I agree.

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JeremyVile · 31/12/2009 03:23

I found them a bit irritating, just as two people on the telly - no judgement on their grieving or their awful experience, just thought they were annoying, a bit hammy and the shag comment and subsequent giggling made them look like nobs.

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ihatethecold · 31/12/2009 08:27

it was probably nerves that made them seem a bit giggly, im so grateful it wasn't me having to go through that, desperately sad program

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Thandeka · 31/12/2009 08:42

Bereavement defo makes you do odd things. I know during my mmc I had a bath and erm it got got a bit bloody and I commented to DH that it was a "bit ofa bloodbath in there-literally" and for some reason we both found this hysterical and laughed for ages and ages about it. People often use humour to defuse tragic situations and it doesn't mean they feel any less devastated by the situation it is simply a coping mechanism.

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ssd · 31/12/2009 08:46

standingonmyhands, I watched that programme last night and found that couple a bit sort of wierd too. I mean I can't even imagine their grief, but to laugh about that seemed really wierd and sort of unfeeling. I found the other mum who lost her 15 yr old dd more "real" (for want of a better word).

very sad programme.

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sobloodystupid · 31/12/2009 08:52

Oh no that's awful. But I have to say, like some other posters here, I once reacted very inappropriately to sad news, it was mortifying

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monkeyfacegrace · 31/12/2009 08:59

I only watched it up until that couple. When she described how the little girl was whimpering and then got pulled away, I cried and cried and cried and curled up in my 3 yr old dds bed next to her. Heartbreaking, imagine the poor babies fear.

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WastedYouth · 31/12/2009 09:08

I thought the same. I was watching them laughing and joking and thought "well, the baby must be ok then, thank god for that" and then couldn't believe it when they said she'd died.

I know you can't imagine how you'd react in that scenario but I couldn't imagine laughing about having a shag the same morning as my child died.

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saggyhairyarse · 31/12/2009 09:09

I don't think there was anything wrong with their interview, they were talking about something that happened before their lives were devastated by the tsunami. Can they not look back on something that happened with fondness and humour?

They were obviously devastated and the mother has not forgiven herself 5 years later even though there was nothing she could do, have some compassion.

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wannaBe · 31/12/2009 09:12

I hate this idea that once you lose someone you should essentially be able to do and say whatever you want for all eternity because somehow losing a child must absolve you of ever having to conform to socially accepted norms ever again.

This couple lost their child and that is obviously tragic beyond words. However, had they not lost a child then it would seem distasteful to be laughing about the shag you'd had on the morning in which hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives just yards away, I don't think the fact they happened to be victims too makes it any less so.

Although why anyone would want to go on camera to talk about that is beyond me.

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littleducks · 31/12/2009 09:24

I found it a bit inapropriate to tell the woorld you were shagging in the morning on holiday, i wouldnt do that but i realise other people would.

I dont think that the fact that they lost their daughter would change their way of talking, i think they conveyed quite well that it was a 'normal' holiday, they were doing all the nomal stuff when out of nowhere total disaster struck.

I thougt it was horrid when the mum described how she had nearly drowned and felt that drowning was the worst way to die. You could see they were really trying not to break down but to tell their story.

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saggyhairyarse · 31/12/2009 09:27

I don't perceive it in the same way at all, obviously it would be distasteful to laugh at something that happened as the tragedy unfolded but to laugh about something that happened before?

So what would be the time frame on that? Is it just inappropriate to laugh at something that happened on the day (before the tsunami)? Or the day before? The week before? That holiday?

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AvrilH · 31/12/2009 09:32

I think that movies and soap operas have given us a rigid idea of the appropriate way to behave if bereaved.

They were not actors, they were ordinary people explaining what happened, giving context.

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ImSoNotTelling · 31/12/2009 09:50

I didn't see it but I agree with avril that TV has warped our ideas about how people are "supposed" to behave in difficult situations.

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HerBeatitude · 31/12/2009 10:05

What a self-righteous bunch of posts.

Why do some of you think you have the right to dictate how people who have lost their child should behave? FFS be glad you haven't lost your child and stop demanding that people who have, conform to some norm you've decided is appropriate.

Sheesh.

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Olifin · 31/12/2009 10:21

I thought it was odd, TBH, but I've never had a close bereavement so I don't feel I could comment on the way it makes people behave or the way people should or shouldn't behave when bereaved.

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SolidGoldpiginablanket · 31/12/2009 10:26

WTF has their behaviour got to do with any of you? If you lost someone in that or any other disaster, how you behave is up to you, how other people behave is up to them (within obvious legal parameters ie bereavement doesn't entitle you to rob banks or randomly assault strangers). If youare one of these self-righteous voyeurs with nothing better to do feel themselves 'offended' or 'shocked' by something they see on the telly, then why not get a life?

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Olifin · 31/12/2009 10:29

SG- I don't think anyone has used the words 'offended' or 'shocked' except you; some people said they thought it was odd and they are entitled to an opinion.

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madamearcati · 31/12/2009 10:34

I think it is very arrogant of you to cast judgment on the way people cope with their grief

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mrsmindcontrol · 31/12/2009 10:35

I am amazed and by some of the comments I've read on here. I watched the programme and was struck by this couple's nobility and bravery. To talk about such a shattering experience must have been incredibly difficult and I thought they handled it so very well. My 3yr old DS was snoozing on the sofa with me after a nightmare as I watched it and I sobbed into his hair. Their loss is unimaginable.

I don't doubt for one second that the programme producers, in search of some 'light' and 'dark' contrast, asked the couple to recount a happier moment of their trip to contrast with the hell that was to come. In much the same way that they showed other families opening their christmas presents or singing carols immediately before the event.

For any of you to mock this couple or somehow imply that their grief is any less legitimate because of the use of the word 'shag' is self riteous behaviour in the extreme and you ought to be incredibly ashamed of yourself.

, and again!