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about my Father?

(19 Posts)
Lizzylou Thu 12-Nov-09 22:07:18

OK, so today my Dad rang me to say that he wasn't getting Christmas presents for any adults, so not to bother with him and my Stepmom, just "the boys" his sons (my half brothers) by his second marriage and that they are not buying for the adults (myself and DH).

So as not to do an AIBU by stealth, my parents divorced when I was 10 and my Father remarried and now has 2 sons (my halfbrothers), they are now 19 and 17.

Every year he buys me crap basically, and spends about £20 each on my 2 boys, then I find out that my brothers have had at least £200 each spent on them. I have never minded before but now am feeling a bit hmm.

It's not the presents that I am bothered about, I know he hasn't much money, it's the fact that he doesn't seem to see me as his daugher or part of his family.

I am not being grabbing or greedy, I am just hurt that I don't seem to figure in his life.
I have already bought presents for Dad and Stepmom and would have given them a present anyway.

He never phones me, if I try and phone him they never answer the phone.

DreamsInBinary Thu 12-Nov-09 22:14:41

Oh LL, YANBU.

BitOfFun Thu 12-Nov-09 22:17:18

I do understand you're hurt, but try to just see this as a practical measure- lots of people do it- my DP's family for one. Can you have a heart-to-heart with your dad (not about the presents) and tell hi how you feel?

SqueezyIsBackToBlack Thu 12-Nov-09 22:18:47

Mine doesn't even tell me he's not going to buy gifts and yes, step bro (and sis who I have no contact with) gets ££££s spent. Like you Lizzy, it's not the money, it's the feeling of being different, not included or something?

It's the 'you don't need <insert applicable word/thing> because you're an adult'. Spoke to someone about this recently and still after years, can't put my finger on a solution. Have just lowered my expectations and try not to let it piss me off. It's not easy though.

I think some men of a certain generation are more likely to be like that but it's no excuse. I have spoken and argued with my dad about this a dozen times and it has never ever made an iota of a difference.

YANBU. It feels worse at this time of year because it feels heightened with Christmas coming.

Does he show it in different ways?

Lizzylou Thu 12-Nov-09 22:19:40

BOF, have done a few times.
I remember on my Wedding Day when he was slagging my Mom off in the wedding car on the way to the venue.
This is why I wanted to emigrate!!!

hellsbelles Thu 12-Nov-09 22:21:40

YANBU - that's really horrid. My dad is pretty horrendous (he has only seen my DD once and DS - who is 6 twice?!??) but at least he is equally shite with all my siblings!

Do you have the kind of relationship where you could actually talk to him about it?

Iggipepperedfillet Thu 12-Nov-09 22:23:33

I thought the halfbrothers were still kids when I first read this! If you count as an adult, then so at least does the 19 year old! I know lots of folk do this presents-only-for-kids thing, but that stops when you turn 18 surely. Your dad perhaps sees you as independent woman who doesn't need his money spent on you in the same way as his sons do. Or he's a prick, which on reflection seems most likely.
Though come to think of it,don't think my dad ever bought me a present, that was always a woman's job..

hellsbelles Thu 12-Nov-09 22:24:26

sorry - just saw BOF asked exactly the same thing!

Lizzylou Thu 12-Nov-09 22:25:09

I do know he loves me, I suppose I am lucky because I am the only daughter, so I stand out!
We used to be so close he was my hero/idol, he really was.
Gawd, My parents have both put me through enough with thier affairs/slagging each other off. I just feel sometimes like they can go and fuck themselves....

<<fond memoris of MOm and now Stepmom arguing in street over who bought who a vibrator, Dad or themselves......>>

Nice

Anyway, isn't Kelly from Stereophonics lovely? I loved living in Wales, that accent!

Taramuddle Thu 12-Nov-09 22:27:28

Much better to try & talk to your dad about what's really bothering you than getting it mixed up with all this present business. Regarding the presents, he might just see you as an adult, especially as you have children. Seems that once we have kids we are no longer so important in our parents eyes!
Try & talk to him about not feeling part of the family instead of letting it build up anymore.

wb Thu 12-Nov-09 22:27:59

I can see why you are hurt but certainly in my family between mum and dad being the major gift givers to giving much smaller gifts came when we were independent - about 21/22. My bro at 19 got much more spent on him than I did at 23 fi. Would have been very hurt to get nothing though. sad

hellsbelles Thu 12-Nov-09 22:32:05

Lizzy - what lovely memories!

I know this is a huge generalisation but it really does seem that the men of that generation really are rubbish at ongoing proper parenting. It seems like as soon as they are no longer with their wives (our mothers) they forget what they are supposed to do. Like children.

Lizzylou Thu 12-Nov-09 23:04:17

Thanks all, I will rise above give them all their presents and do what I do best, pretend it isn't all happening.
He rang me this morning then he lost reception on his phone and he kept ringing me back and I didn't answer. I just kept picturing me as a leggy skinny 12 yr old wanting one of my parents to notice me. It made me sob.
Ah well, y'know they (my Mom is not exactly the best herself) have shown me what NOT to do when raising kids.

BitOfFun Fri 13-Nov-09 00:04:26

Oh Lizzy, I'm so sorry- that sounds so difficult and sad. It is a horrible thing to be let down by parents. They seem like very very flawed people- it is a bummer that they weren't better parents for you sad

sb6699 Fri 13-Nov-09 00:26:45

I am so sorry. I am in exactly the same situation. I never get presents from my dad, neither do my dc's - his only grandchildren.

Cant remember the last time he gave me a card for my birthday - probably my 21st (10 years ago with a tenner in it) and before that it they were intermittant.

He hasnt visited me since I moved out of my mums 11 years ago. He has had my DS to stay a couple of times over the years but always at my instigation and he has to check its okay with stepmum first. He has met DD1 twice for 5 mins and DD2 once - a glimpse through the car window.

I always seem to have to make the effort but get nothing in return. He's the same with my DBro and DSis.

BUT stepbrother and sister get loads spent on them and have had posh parties/holidays for their birthdays.

It doesnt bother me as much as it used to. Its very sad but I suppose I've just grown used to it.

I'm sorry I dont have a solution or advice (in fact will be watching this thread closely). Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

bellavita Fri 13-Nov-09 06:24:39

Oh Lizzy, I am sorry you feel like this. I would probably do the same as you and give them their presents and pretend you don't feel like what you do. xx

porcamiseria Fri 13-Nov-09 09:13:55

Aww bless, there are alot of crappy parents out there. YANBU and sorry this episode is bringing back sad memories

GoldenSnitch Fri 13-Nov-09 09:25:26

When my parents divorced, my Dad wrote long, heart wrending letters professing his love, given along with huge gifts - to my 2 sisters and my brother.

Not step sister and step brother. We all have the same parents. He just didn't want me in his family anymore.

Haven't seen him for more than 10 years now.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, he may be rubbish with presents but at least he loves you.

Lizzylou Fri 13-Nov-09 09:37:50

So sorry that others have had crappy parents too.
sb6699, that is awful, that he has hardly seen you and his Grandchildren!
Goldensnitch sad. He does love me, but I suppose I am a bit "out of sight, out of mind", we live 100+miles apart (I moved, with good reason!)
I have had a good long chat with DH and he has helped me see the wood for the trees.
He does love me, in his way, yes.
They weren't that bad, they just were so wrapped up in their lives and divorce and constantly rubbishing each other that they left myself and my DB out in the cold somewhat.
I am 36 and have my own family, I will just concentrate on that I think!

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