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to be upset at finding post about me?

(35 Posts)
doodah72 Wed 11-Nov-09 21:45:24

I introduced a friend to MN years ago. I read something a couple of days ago that caught my eye and realised it was her talking about me. She must have changed her name very recently - possibly so she could post this thing without me knowing - as I have not seen a post from this name before and I know what her previous name was which has now disappeared (because she told me what it was when she joined and we often chatted on here), and she obviously didn't want me to know it was about me, but on reading it I realised it was her (I'm not naming her or saying which thread as she may read this and be angry I am bringing this up and that then causes more issues) and equally I have changed my name in case she knows my last one.

I can deal with what she wrote and may well address it with her at some point, but then I am frightened she will think I was snooping and make what is already an obviously damaged friendship even worse.

I just want to know if anyone on here has had a similar experience and how they dealt with it.

I guess I should be releived she aired her views on here and not through mutual friends, but she said some extremely hurtful things and I kind of wish she had just come to me in the first place.

I can't bring it up with her as an aside on a casual basis as she will know I saw her post. I am also worried other people we know who may know the background would have also cottoned on it was about me.

There are obviously issues in our friendship I knew nothing about until seeing her post. We hadn't chatted on here for a while, which at the time I put down to her new job. I am even thinking of leaving MN altother in case I stumble on anything more or even look for her now I know she is talking about me on here.

It isn't even as if I disagree with what she said, but she hasn't come to me with her issues and not sure how to fix things unless she does but I just don't know what to think or how to go about it.

Don't tell me our friendship is doomed - I am sure it isn't, its just hit a bump, but it is still hurtful to read and have been pondering for a couple of days now.

What would you do?

morningpaper Wed 11-Nov-09 21:48:00

well now we ALL think you are talking about us grin

Yes it's hurtful to read but - everyone needs to vent sometimes, even about close friends. That doesn't mean she loves you any less. In fact, it's better to be vented about than ignored, IMO.

Don't feel bad - we all vent sometimes.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail Wed 11-Nov-09 21:48:44

Without knowing what was said, I don't know what I'd do. Sorry.

Hassled Wed 11-Nov-09 21:50:14

If she knows you use MN, and she posted on MN about a situation which you could easily identify as being about you, then I think it's safe to assume she knew you would see it. And therefore that she wanted you to see it. Either that, or she's really very thick.

You need to talk to her. Don't feel apologetic taht you spotted it here - it's a public forum; anyone could have seen it.

Tryharder Wed 11-Nov-09 21:50:17

Wow! Are you absolutely sure it was her? If so, I would bring it up. Perhaps print out a copy of the thread and hand it to her and say oh that looks like something you could've written about me and she how she reacts.

What an awful situation though. You must be mortified!

shockers Wed 11-Nov-09 21:50:52

It wouldn't really be seen as snooping... she knows you are on MN and are likely to see any threads posted.
I'd just ask her. It might be hard to do but you'll both feel better once it's aired... it's obviously bothering her too or she wouldn't have posted.

allaboutme Wed 11-Nov-09 21:53:34

If its something that needs addressing if your friendship is to be saved, then I think I'd bite the bullet and own up.
Invite her round for a glass of wine and a gossip....Tell her you were on MN and happened across a post that you really thought might have been about you. Its made you realise there is a big problem, but you really want to resolve it and save the friendship.
Then hopefully discuss and sort out over a bottle of wine!

TheDampSquibOfSeptimusQuench Wed 11-Nov-09 21:54:41

But she knew you were here, she knowingly took that risk. I think you need to confront her, if the friendship is important to you. Then you can try to sort the issue out, and she will learn to be more careful about what she posts on the www, in the full knowledge that you might see it.

TheDampSquibOfSeptimusQuench Wed 11-Nov-09 21:56:22

Agree that she either wanted you to see it, or she is a bit thick.

Must really hurt though, poor you.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 11-Nov-09 21:57:30

wow she must be either really stupid or....really stupid. she must have known youd see it and cotton on?

(its not the red hair one is it? nosey emoticon!)

wannaBe Wed 11-Nov-09 21:57:43

tbh I think it depends on what she wrote.

If she wrote "I know this woman who thinks she's my friend but actually she's a freaky stalkerish type who really gets on my nerves but can't decide how to give her the shove," then I think you have a right to be upset. But if it was something about how you act, i.e if you've upset her then tbh I think she has a right to vent.

I think tbh that in order to make a real judgement you'll have to give some info.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Wed 11-Nov-09 22:01:06

I think she must be a bit stupid, as others have said. You introduce her to MN, then she posts something about you on here. It's hardly snooping is it.

morningpaper Wed 11-Nov-09 22:01:48

Yah it's true, we need salacious deetail.

However, I disagree with some of these posts - if it's something that you are doing which impacts on her, e.g. if it's about your annoying children / terrible manners / drink problem then I think it's unfair to confront her - she is allowed to vent, surely?

doodah72 Wed 11-Nov-09 22:02:50

Really can't give any info - just gutted about what she wrote and concerned about it. Just thought friends talked to each other.

She didn't know I would read it - if that was the case even more hurtful!

TrillianAstra Wed 11-Nov-09 22:06:01

MN is public, but it is also enormous. It could easily be someone else. Or she might not have expected you to come across it, since you don't read every thread. She is entitled to moan a bit to an unbiased audience.

morningpaper Wed 11-Nov-09 22:08:56

Yes I agree with Trillian

What do you wish she'd said to you? Is it something resolvable, or does she just find you annoying or not like you much? Is it something you can hope to sort out, or not?

Prunerz Wed 11-Nov-09 22:09:02

I question why you are starting this thread at all.

It happened, and you are licking your wounds a bit, but surely it would be more sensible and less potentially damaging not to live this bit of real life in public.

I know you may say you want people's input. What can people say that will actually, constructively, help? That you couldn't work out for yourself? Bring it up with her, or don't: you know her, you can ponder the ramifications of both paths - we can't.

You risk a lot by starting this thread, if you are serious about continuing the friendship. It looks rather a lot like you want to get your own back.

I have serious doubts about how much we live our lives online rather than For Real.

Louby3000 Wed 11-Nov-09 22:10:09

Its not fair for you to be upset that she vented on MN doodah.

You can tALK to her now though

Firawla Wed 11-Nov-09 22:10:18

I think you should maybe tell her you saw it and discuss with her from there

muminthemiddle Wed 11-Nov-09 22:18:51

How can you be sure it is about you?

There must be others in the same situation as you and your friend iyswim.

Perhaps she was having a really bad day and needed to vent off steam.

Time2Hibernate Wed 11-Nov-09 22:29:08

Perhaps this is a gentle reminder that we all have a right to an opinion, a right to express ourselves and with that comes the responsibility of the consequences.

We all let off steam sometimes. Comes down to the never post a letter written in anger - except we should think 'never click post message' instead.....

groundhogs Wed 11-Nov-09 23:00:00

I can't be the only one wishing this was 'Jane' hmm It's not, definately not, but oh wouldn't it be lovely? grin Crayon hair would be a good one.. That'd sell some tickets!! wink

OP, I think that as you were the one to introduce her, she does know in the back of her mind that there is a chance. As long as the posts were ones you could look past, then I think that you would be able to gently bring it up.

She's more than likely posted here cos she specifically doesn't want to talk about it with RL people.

If you value the relationship, take the opportunity to get it out in the open.

sb6699 Wed 11-Nov-09 23:09:53

Maybe she has been too worried/embarressed to bring it up face to face and has posted on here in the hope that you will see it and deal with the issue on your side without any confrontation.

P.S. Sorry, but if you are "Jane" you seem like a bit of a nutter and maybe she was too scared to bring it up wink

groundhogs Wed 11-Nov-09 23:14:51

It's NOT Jane!! Kami doesn't work outside the home... Oh crap, was only being silly... hope this doesn't take off! grin

I'll bugger off now, as you all were! smile

TheUsefulSuspect Wed 11-Nov-09 23:16:55

Groundhog I was hoping it was "Jane" too !!


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