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to want to continue this cyber relationship?

(26 Posts)
fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 00:50:33

My first post, its short and want honest opinions please.

This is something thats been bugging DH not me. Have recently hooked up with an old flame on facebook, we've been messaging back and forth and in my eyes its purely platonic but DH doesn't see it that way. He clearly wants me to stop so AIBU to say no?

I think I'm a grown woman capable of making my own decisions but appreciate I will be doing something that will most definitely aggravate him if I choose to continue.

duke748 Wed 11-Nov-09 00:53:05

Are the contents of the messages anything you wouldn't openly show to your DH?

fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 00:55:44

No and he has read my messages on fb since I joined mainly because we got back in touch with a mutual friend and he was interested in hearing what she had to say.

I wouldn't hide anything from him.

groundhogs Wed 11-Nov-09 01:00:13

OH FGS, don't be daft, please.... risking your RL relationship for a FB one?

If it's not bugging you that you are chatting online with an old flame, then perhaps you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

Men aren't often that good at keeping things platonic with women. Your DH knows this, cos he's a bloke. That's why he's rightly pissed off.

How would you feel if DH was doing this?

You are married. Act like it.

SolidGoldBangers Wed 11-Nov-09 01:03:28

Hang on: are any of the messages between you and the other bloke referring to either you sucking his knob or the 'longlostlove/soulmate' stuff you both so deeply and desperately feel but which Can Never Be? Or are they more along the lines of 'So you old bastard, how are the haemorrhoids these days? Remember when we dropped that shopping trolley in the canal and [other mutual friend] was sick in a policeman's helmet?'
If it;s the former then maybe your H has a bit of a point, if it's the latter tell him to get over himself and do not indulge his paranoia.

duke748 Wed 11-Nov-09 01:03:52

Then in Duke's book of relationships, that should be fine.
grin

I guess the only other justified objections he could have is if you are spending alot of time talking to this other man that you could be spending with your DH or that the OM might read more into it. And to be honest, if he could, then your messages aren't as innocent as you would like to think.

If you can honestly say neither are the case, then have a chat to your man and find out more about what he is worried about.

fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 01:04:17

OK I had already considered what you'd said.

But its not like I'm thinking of running off with him and am more than capable of telling him where to stick it if he even suggested anything like that.

I wouldn't have a problem with him doing it
because I trust him. Am I just naive or stupid?

duke748 Wed 11-Nov-09 01:07:08

So, you are flirting with him but trust yourself to not let it turn into real life flirt? Is that what you are saying?

fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 01:08:45

Sorry if its a bit jumbled. New to this.

I have talked to my DH about why he feels the way he does and I think its more to do with him than me. Thats why I don't think I'm bu to say well actually I am going to continue this because you can't tell me not to.

fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 01:09:54

No its definitely not flirting in my eyes. Just two friends catching up, it was years ago.

duke748 Wed 11-Nov-09 01:16:08

I could be wrong, but I think you are kidding yourself a little bit here. You have referred to it as a 'relationship' not a 'friendship'. And you qualify it as not flirting 'in your eyes'. You also said 'in my eyes its purely platonic' - again, why the qualification?

Do you think he thinks its more than that? Or even that he could think that?

Are you sure you are not getting a little thrill from the attention but justify it to yourself because you think you could stop it before it became anything?

I could be way off the mark, but if I am any way near, then please be honeat with yourself - you are playing with fire!

fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 01:19:10

You could be right and I think maybe I needed someone to point those things out.

Thankyou, I didn't expect any replies so will go to bed and seriously consider what you've said.

porcamiseria Wed 11-Nov-09 08:55:54

I think you are being out of order, is a silly relationship with an ex on facebook that important to you that you'd risk upsetting DH? Its not about "right or wrong" its about respecting that it upsets someone you love

goodnightmoon Wed 11-Nov-09 10:17:01

i think it's fine to get in touch and catch up but that should be it. It shouldn't be an ongoing thing. I've seen it happen too often, things start up because one or the other person becomes intrigued by the possibility, and/or starts using the "friendship" to bitch about their partner.
turn back now.

VengefulSinner Wed 11-Nov-09 10:18:39

I did this... got back in touch with an ex who I thought I could be great friends with and nothing more.

Partner at the time understandabley hated it, as I would have done had it been the other way round.

Ended up with (18mths after initial contact) ex declaring he still loved me and wanted me and I was the only one blah blah blah.

It is just too risky. Even if YOU truly see it as nothing mroe than platonic, he may not.

And oh yeah, I got a kick out of the attention as duke has suggested.

posieparker Wed 11-Nov-09 10:23:48

IME, old male flames would jump back into bed with old gfs anytime, women control what goes on. Your DH probably thinks your old flame still wants you, and he's probably right.

However it is if your DH doesn't like it perhaps you shouldn't do it.

I am in touch with many old flames but my DH doesn't mind, he's known me long enough to know I can say NO....silly man.

SolidGoldBangers Wed 11-Nov-09 10:43:00

I always maintain that it's a bad idea to indulge a partner's jealousy by giving up friendships. Because jealous people simply take more and more advantage and become more and more unreasonable if they are not dealt with sternly at the first signs of whiny demandingness.

fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 12:44:22

Thanks for all the advice. Thats why I posted here because I knew I'd get some straight talking.

I'm still debating whether to stop or not because I don't want my DH who I love dearly and have never and will never moan about to the cyber man (sounds like some kind of cool superhero but sadly is in reality slightly balding)to think he can tell me what I can and can't do.
We have got a great relationship, been together 18 years and I am still very much in love with him. I think he's just going through a bit of a down time and isn't feeling particularly good about himself. So if I'm a good wifey should I stop just to please him and make him feel better?

Any more advice greatly appreciated.

fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 12:47:31

SGB I have seen your name on lots of the message boards and appreciate your comments. DH's Dad was very much like your description of a jealous person, I've seen lots of his traits in DH before and have nipped them in the bud before they became a problem between us. So should I dig my heels in to prove a point?

VengefulSinner Wed 11-Nov-09 12:50:51

What about sitting down for an honest talk and tell him that you don't appreciate the way he handled it because it felt like he was telling you what to do as opposed to expressing his concerns and asking.

Then you could say that in light of further consideration you accept he has concerns and you will end the 'relationship' with your ex but it is because you realise possible implications that could occur in the future, not because he told you to?

porcamiseria Wed 11-Nov-09 13:49:59

TBH if he is going through a down time, why make him feel worse? I dont see this a "allowing jealous person to get their own way issue". Is this ex so important to you, that you'll be mates even if it upsets your DH? I completely get that noone wants to be told what to do, but I think that being friends with an ex (who lets face it are exes for a reason) when it clearly upsets your partner is plain wrong

I am a jealous psycho though!!!!

SolidGoldBangers Wed 11-Nov-09 18:18:56

I think if your H is stressed and depressed, maybe that's not a good time to put your foot down and tell him to get over himself. However, give him lots of reassurance that you love him and will not decieve him but that you reserve the right to make your own decisions about your friendships.

scottishmummy Wed 11-Nov-09 18:26:36

why have you "hooked" up?is your ex sniffing around or is it wholly platonic?why are you messaging so frequently "back and forth". i think you know this will annoy the hell out of dh and like the frisson,like winding him up.

scottishmummy Wed 11-Nov-09 18:32:59

yonks ago there was poster (cant recall name) jist was she was emailing her ex and dear god the minutiae of it was excruciatingly dragged out across mn. i do think it is purposefully provocative and a bit of a head fuck to be in contact with ex lover knowing it annoys your dh

fierybiscuits Wed 11-Nov-09 20:39:46

OK you are all right. Had a chat with DH tonight and he knows hes being a bit full on with the not wanting me to do it but is convinced the ex wants me back, I don't (we were 16 and it was 21 years ago)but rather than make him any more agitated I'm going to stop it, for his sake.

Thanks for your advice, it was only a stupid thing to most of you but sometimes silly things can blow up to epic proportions and I just wanted a variety of opinions.

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