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AIBU and control freaky/ hypocritical or is my DH an alcoholic

(11 Posts)
oliandjoesmum Tue 10-Nov-09 21:57:44

DH has always liked a drink, but recently he seems drunk when we haven't had a drink IYKWIM. He is starting to be extremely unreasonable and argumentative. There have been a few occasions when I have found empty wine bottles left in the fridge, and also wine that has been watered down to make it look like there is some left. When confronted about this in a 'joky' way when I offered a friend a glass of the water wine one Friday he went utterly loopy. This evening he seemed really wired, and dissapeared off to the pub for a 'first' drink. I had a nose around and found a cocktail shaker full of bacardi, obv there secretly. In the past I have found hidden bottles of finished spirits in the garage. It is beginning to get me down, he is so moody and tempremental. However, I have to admit I do love a drink, but only drink Fri and Sat, and never when in charge of DC. Am I just being a harridan old control freak, AIBU, or is this something to worry about. I have 3 little boys, and already hate the way his smoking may impact them, now worried about the drinking too, partic as DS1 has aspergers and v impressionable.

meltedchocolate Tue 10-Nov-09 22:02:05

YANBU. He is an alcoholic. Sorry. You must try to talk to him and tell him to get help. Hope things go well for you.

ineedalifelaundry Tue 10-Nov-09 22:04:30

Sounds very like alcoholism. The most worrying part is his hiding the drink and trying to cover his tracks by watering down the wine. Contact Al-Anon, they are a branch of AA who support relatives of alcoholics. There is a support thread here too in the relationships topic.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 10-Nov-09 22:04:42

YANBU
he sounds addicted, sorry. Try contacting al-anon for advice.

ineedalifelaundry Tue 10-Nov-09 22:06:05

You cannot 'tell' an alcoholic to get help. He has to seek help for himself. You can only be responsible for yourself and your dc.

sunnydelight Tue 10-Nov-09 22:08:07

YANBU. He's hiding his drinking which really is a sign of a problem. Admitting you need help is always the hardest part but with a three kids he needs to do it sooner rather than later. You are not being a control freak in trying to deal with this as it is impacting on your life. There are AA groups for the families of drinkers too - maybe you could get some support/advice there? Good luck.

meltedchocolate Tue 10-Nov-09 22:09:13

Agree - go on the relationship threads and look for the partners of addicts support thread. I keep meaning to go back on myself.

ineedalifelaundry Tue 10-Nov-09 22:12:25

Me too meltedchocate sad
see you there sometime

Lotster Tue 10-Nov-09 22:46:42

Yes he does seem to be in the grip of alcoholism. Sorry to hear you are going through this.

For your sake and that of your boys, I wouldn't doubt yourself or think yourself a "harridan" any longer.
He is keeping secrets and obviously in denial, but I've always thought that the less you enable an alcoholic, the more you stand a fighting chance that they might decide to get treatment, for as others have said, they must do it themselves. If they dry out for anyone else than themselves, it will often fail.

Perhaps you should find a calm, child free time to sit down and tell him straight that you know, that your family is worth more, and he needs to find the source of his pain, deal with it, possibly with counselling, and fight to get better and keep his family.

If you turn a blind eye and and it gets worse, it will get harder for him to recover, and you and the kids will suffer emotionally from playing second fiddle to a drink sad

With your boys in mind, but especially your oldest; I know how stressful and upsetting it is to grow up in an alcoholic family, I'm still getting over it at 35. Be strong.

ludog Tue 10-Nov-09 22:58:38

You know you are not being unreasonable. He has a serious problem if he is hiding bottles and watering down drinks in a bid to cover his tracks. As other posters have suggested, look up Alanon for support for you. It won't tell you how to get him to stop drinking but you will learn to focus on your own life and that of your dcs. You didn't cause his problems, you can't control them and you can't cure them. Get help now for you and dcs, dp may change or he may not, but your life will change for the better. Time passes very quickly and alcoholism is very progressive, the longer you leave it before getting help the harder the situation becomes. I was where you are now eight years ago. I started going to Alanon and gradually my life got better. I thought I would leave dh but we are still together and he is sober. I would never have believed that could be possible back then. Check out the "support for partners of addicts" thread on relationships. There's a lot of people in similar situations who will be a great support to you.
Take care xx

Snorbs Tue 10-Nov-09 23:11:46

I'm sorry that you're facing this kind of thing sad

As others here have said, hiding drinks is a big warning sign. I'd strongly suggest that you don't pay any significant attention to what he says about his drinking or what he says he's going to do about his drinking. Only pay attention to what he actually does. Alcoholics are fantastic at telling you what you want to hear but rubbish at at following through on their promises.

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