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how do I tackle this?

(6 Posts)
trulyscrumptious43 Mon 09-Nov-09 20:37:20

My boyf of two years has two boys, aged 8 and 10. My own ds is 10 and dd is 17. The boys live with their mum abroad and boyf sees them every few months, we've had a few holidays together, probably spent three weeks together in all as boyf goes over there to see them on his own when he can.

Boyf was here last weekend (he is normally away working in film biz) and ds mentioned that he'd really like to see the boyf's boys and quite misses them. Boyf snapped ds's head off by saying that 'How could you, you don't really know them'.

Boyf is usually very sweet and a gentle man and I know he misses his boys so much. Lately he has been working very hard 6 days a week for 6 months.

My ds has mentioned this to dd and she is quite upset as she thinks a lot of boyf but we both (me and her) think that this is quite unpleasant and out of character.

Me and boyf are having a bit of trouble and this is probably symptomatic of boyf's feelings of neglect and resentment towards ds as ds is quite demanding, being a bit 'on the spectrum'.
Should I ask boyf to talk to ds about it? By this I mean apologise I guess. It bothers me.

mummysgoingmad Mon 09-Nov-09 22:06:53

yanbu, just cause he misses his son does not give him the right to snap at your son! ok he works hard but hardly an excuse! i would demand an apologym and wouldn't have let him get away with speaking like that to ds in the 1st place

purpleduck Mon 09-Nov-09 22:17:59

He (BF) behaved badly - he should apologise.

Maybe it breaks hois heart that he sees someone elses child much much more than he see his own.

Still no excuse though

purpleduck Mon 09-Nov-09 22:18:19

hois???? HIS!!!

porcamiseria Tue 10-Nov-09 09:14:16

YANBU but I do feel very very sorry for BF not seeing his kids very much. I think if you start the conversation with this point, and tell him that you do really sympathise.
But if he is as kind and gentle as you say he should take on board what you are saying. Maybe firmly tell him that he really hurt your and DS feelings and ask that in the future he is more mindful.

I would err on the gentle side though, as it must be very sad for him

trulyscrumptious43 Tue 10-Nov-09 13:32:51

Thanks for all the good advice. I've talked to boyf today and said that maybe he should feel good that my son likes his boys as much as he does - at least there's no difficulty about them coming to stay with us, ds is dying for a visit. It could be very different!

I know that it is heartbreaking for him and very worrying too, to think of his boys growing up so far away. When's he's finished this job at Xmas, BF is going over there for a couple of months.

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