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to think that I should be able to make a decision V long sorry

(15 Posts)
nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 17:21:19

to want to sell my jointly owned house?

I got pregnant when I was 17 and moved into a place with my xpartner, this deteriorated and I moved home at 7mths pregnant. My mom was great, she stood by me, let me move back home and also offered to look after DS when I went back to work ? this was when DS was 3 mths old because there was an opportunity with a bank that I couldn?t miss. (btw this was 13 years ago and at the time with only GCSE?s behind me it was a good job). At the time my mom didn?t have to and didn?t want to work ? she did not give up employment to look after DS. She did however go through the Childminding courses to become registered so I could claim and paid her as a full time childminder ? the money plus keep did get passed on.

My father has always had problems with depression, this came to a head when after my mother forced him to go to see a doctor and he did, and also got referred to a hospital counsellor he took the AD?s and was so much better he then went down hill after refusing to go back and get a repeat prescription and my mother decided enough was enough and decided to go for a divorce.

My son was nearly 3 at this point.

Now ? as I was working FT with no partner at the time and mom was main childcarer plus I was at that point 21 and I also had a 17 yr old sister I felt obliged and also wasn?t that fussed at jointly buying a home with my mom and me, she put down a deposit and I paid the mortgage. There was a time where I was the only breadwinner in the house but my mom was looking after DS. She did get a part time job however it has always been because that was what she wanted even though she phrased it as looking after my son ? but if you know my mom she only ever does what she wants to if you know what I mean.

Anyway ? my mom decided she didn?t like the area we had moved to and at that time we had already got my son into a school in another area so we decided to sell and move. At this point I was happy to go ahead but made it clear it wasn?t forever ? plus the fact we could only afford an interest only mortgage on the property and as my sister was still living with us we had to extend to make 4 bedrooms.

Fast forward to now ? I want to sell, I have a lot of debt from the extension and work done on the property and I want to be able to make some decisions on my life (I am nearly 32) and I am being made to feel that I am unreasonable. I also subsidised her while I was working full time (on top of the childcare money) and subsidised my sister who wafts around and works or not as it pleases her.

Am I being unreasonable to feel that if my mom decided to divorce my dad as the eldest child I should not be expected to take over his (monetary) role forever? And if she wanted to child care that was her decision ? I paid her for it, not made her? (Plus as he is now 13 she is not and is working FT)

It seems such a mess ? not helping by the current situation as the houseis on the market but she is refusing to reduce too much as she needs X amount to sort herself out

I just wish I had said no at the time (which I wanted to but got guilt tripped) and sorted myself out 10 years ago

I really worry that I will be in a position that my mom will be too old and I will feel too guilty to ever live on my own

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 17:22:50

Sorry about the ? should be .

whyme2 Sun 08-Nov-09 17:34:31

Sorry to be thick but are you saying you are going to sell the house and split the proceeds?

If this is the case then the only thing stopping you is guilt. Your mum is working full time so has an income of her own, I think that you do not have to be responsible for her. I think you feel trapped because she helped you when your dc was young.

Have you talked to your mum about this?

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 17:43:56

Yes - the house is on the market - all proceeds to be split, most of mine will be swallowed up paying off debt - not a problem. However she is having problems with reducing the price as she wants a certain amount which just is not possible in this climate

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 18:04:19

and just to confirm - I thought me and mom were clear that at some point we would sell - this is not out of the blue we even agreed when it would go on the market.

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 18:53:45

and just to expand - she makes me feel uncomfortable having people round 'her home' it is only recently I have told her someone will be round but as she is working shifts I tend to work around that. God I sound such a wimp I have a very sensible responsible job and a bloke yet I am trying to make her feel comfortable.

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 19:06:10

mske her NOT feel uncomfortabl

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 19:16:43

I also think that if I had made this decision before the last hous sale I could have then made the decision to work part time rather than buying a new house. Okay I am really sorry this is a major rant and not for you lot to sort out I am just sick of being made out to be the bad guy when everyone else can choose what they want to do angry

oldraver Sun 08-Nov-09 19:21:06

can I ask why the debts form th house are your debts and are coming out of your half but she gets to keep all of 'her'half ?

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 19:28:14

oldraver- the debts are because I earned more and I could take them out and to be honest I can't be arsed to go the whole route of this and that - all I want to do is sell plus she won't acknowledge any of it I was stupid enough to carry on

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 19:39:41

I feel guilty because she looked after DS when I worked away for a few monthes during the week - even though this led to a better job. But I can't carry on being responsible for her and sis can I? Sis is now working and pays keep which I don't see even though I am covering half of all outgoings inc food and toiletries. I even have to ask if I can go out although to ask partner home when mother is around is not comfortable.

oldraver Sun 08-Nov-09 19:51:54

It sounds like you were doing all the putting in and your mother is doing all the taking out and you have nothing to show for all your hard work

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 20:04:30

oldraver - I know mom put a lot in childcare wise and now there is a split money wise but she is still the patrioch (spelling??) It will never be my house. I just don't know what to do. I think I need to threaton a court order forced sale because she doesn't want to sell below a certain amount But I can't live like this - I have had no choice but to work full time when peeps around me do what they want. I just want a choice. Is that so wrong?

oldraver Sun 08-Nov-09 20:34:45

No it isnt, but unless you force the issue and put your foot down it wont change. Yes your mother has 'helped' with childcare though paid but it seems like you have done the most of the hardwork,. yes it was to your advantage but its also been to her great advantage,. Where would she be had you not only of privided her with a job but also a roof over her head. It is alos your house, but it seems like she is calling the shots

nion64 Sun 08-Nov-09 20:43:43

I know - I think next week I will be telling her (not asking) that we reduce the price on the house. I don't know what I am after here apart from hold handing and peeps telling me I am not a heartless biaatch grin

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