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My partner is always out.....

(22 Posts)
joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 14:54:35

Hey, new to this site.... have been reading lots of threads here, very interesting.

So, I am 22 weeks pregnant. My partner is generally out 3 or more evenings a week.

He plays a sport of sorts, although, its also based on social drinking.

I work full time and have a 6 year old son from a previous marriage.

The reason i am moaning is I just feel like I do everything all the time !

My partner has always been a social person and i completely trust him, its just i hardly see him and when I do, I moan at him for not being there to help me.

He is also terrible at time keeping, and i feel that he is selfishly stealing my time.

I feel like I come 2nd to all his friends and other activities.

He wanted a baby, and i have spent most of my pregnancy alone !

I understand that he loves his sports, but where do i draw the line...he comes in at 1-2am and then this affects his work the next day...he's 32 ! At the moment i am knackered from doing everything all the time.... I feel like i am continually being let down or taken for granted.

a tiny part of me wants to walk away, but i dont know if thats hormones... I feel alone.

Anyway...

alypaly Fri 06-Nov-09 15:03:38

what the hell is he doing til 1-2 am...didnt know there were 'sports' even drinking that went on til that time...i would be pretty angry at that

joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 15:08:25

Were in London, and he plays an urban sport, although, like I say alot of this is drinking and smoking aswell... I dont want to say incase he read this...

It takes him an hour to cycle home, he's cycle mad.... I dont mind that, at least I know he's not up to no good, like my ex was !

But Im pretty damn sure he wouldnt let me behave like this !?

thesecondcocking Fri 06-Nov-09 15:15:46

was he like that before you got pregnant?
if so you are unreasonable to expect him to change (unless you specifically discussed it prior to pregnancy and he agreed to stay at home more)

joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 15:36:52

I'd say he's out more now than before.

Why shouldnt I expect him to change ?

I have changed for him. It should be compromise on both sides.

thesecondcocking Fri 06-Nov-09 15:50:23

so he has changed since you got pregnant?
Did you discuss the fact that you'd expect him at home more when you were pregnant?
did you tell him you were unhappy with the amount of 'him' time he was having?
if he's upped it then he is being unreasonable but just because YOU decided to change then why should he?
if someones going out pisses you off then why have a kid with them?
What extra help do you need now?
is there something tangible you've asked him to do that he's refused or did you think he'd just realise you expected this?
I go out a lot,my partner relocated to live with me,i still go out a lot,i would be pissed off with him if he decided that just because he no longer saw his friends i shouldn't see mine?
is he maybe doing his 'final hurrah' before the baby comes?

MorrisZapp Fri 06-Nov-09 15:52:39

I'd expect both parents to change their lifestyles when a baby is on the way.

God knows his life is going to change when the baby arrives.

He needs a very stiff talking to. And please tell him that any activity involving late night drinking and smoking is not a 'sport'.

Unless, like, chess is a sport.

joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 16:13:57

I split from my ex-husband 4 years ago. I started going out with my current partner 2 years ago... in the beginning I never wanted a partner, It was nice to see someone and have days out with him and my boy, but I ' did not ' want a relationship.

I had a very active life, I work full time, I used to swim 6 times a week.

He was around when ever i wanted or needed him and i fell in love with him. He said in 'his' words, I want to make your life easier !

My ex walked out on my son and i when my son was 2. I'm not expecting violins, but like a lot of people on here will understand, it's f**king hard !

Yes we discussed what would happen, he knows what I have been through before.

I didnt decide to change, I fell pregnant, somehow swimming 6 times a week goes out the window ! ' We ' fell pregnant ! It takes two....

We used to go out together alot together before i fell pregnant i just think its unfair ??

What extra help do I need now ? He said he wanted to make my life easier.

How can me working full time, taking my son to school, picking him up, making dinner, washing up, bath time, reading time, and being pregnant ( knackering personally )do everyones washing, drying, cleaning, tidying, paying the bills, being a responsible grown up all by myself, be making my life easier ? To be honest its harder !

MorrisZapp Fri 06-Nov-09 16:18:48

You have another kid, you work full time, and this guy is going out late, drinking, until 2 am, regularly, during the week?

No way jose. Get this issue sorted out now, or it'll be even worse when the baby arrives.

Do you live together? Does he help round the house and with childcare etc?

pippa251 Fri 06-Nov-09 16:20:33

Perhaps he's just having a good time because he knows he'll have a big change when the baby comes- as he's not a father yet (perhaps in his mind) I know its fairly common for some men to have a few 'wild' months before the baby comes.

I'd be pissed off if it was every night
You could try to sit down with him and talk about things- being careful not to 'blame' him so he listens.

If his drinking bothers you- you could suggest that he lays off it a bit as you're missing drinking and it would make it easier for you.

You could suggest doing things with him- to get quality time together before the baby comes

MorrisZapp Fri 06-Nov-09 16:22:09

Not sure step fathers get to have wild months though before their own baby arrives, not sure if I have read OPs situation right on that one.

alypaly Fri 06-Nov-09 16:23:36

urban sport????????????that conjpurs up everything from spray painting buildings to sitting smoking dope and playing poker

thesecondcocking Fri 06-Nov-09 16:30:56

he sounds like a bit of a juvenile twat to be fair.
Does he have anything to do with your son (and by that i mean does he take him out/play with him/do an activity with him?)
surely at 6 ds doesn't need bathing?
i would do a household roster and get him to stick to it or tell him to fuck off,just so he knows you are serious
(i was on my own for ten years-it's harder to be in an unequal relationship than on your own imho as when you are alone you know it's always your turn!)

joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 16:39:51

He's a good bloke.

He wouldnt hurt me on purpose. He is a big kid, and is almost still living or wanting to live the student life !

I understand this, his friends are like this too.... he has friends that he meets up with every 4 weeks or so, that he went to primary school with.... I think that's lovely, but he doesnt seem to know when to stop.... when it's time to go home, when the party is over and the fact that it is hurting me, and its affecting his job, which is worrying me.
It'll be tight enough once im on maternity leave !

I do seem to do everything at home, and dont seem to get as much support from him as I should.

Yes we live together and have done for about 1 and half years.

Also, recently, he sorted out started working at 10am 2 days a week so he could take my son to school , but because he has been out till 2am, he has been sleeping in and still going to work late, whilst im still taking my son !!

Its laziness !

Bike polo... he's obsessed with it.

Big kid !

joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 16:46:40

He is juvenille, arent most men ?

yes, he does play/read to my son.

He actually got back at 8.30pm last night and read comics ( graphic novel ) to my son.

we actually all used to go swimming together every sunday, but we havent done so because im scared of the higher risk of swine flu from pools at the moment. I should ask him to take him ?

He used to look after my son, when I wanted to do weekend training aswell, and open water swims..... its all gone pear shaped for some reason.....

marantha Fri 06-Nov-09 16:54:22

No Joanne, most men are not juvenile. They have fun in their teens and twenties but, by about 30, they meet a woman, fall in love, marry and work hard to put roof over her and any future offspring's head.
They usually do this without prompting because hard work and support of family is what makes a man a man- and it (usually) devastates a man when he cannot do this and he does all he can to work hard and support his family again.

MorrisZapp Fri 06-Nov-09 16:59:43

You asked where you should draw the line.

If it was me, I'd be perfectly happy for my DP to have how own interests as long as my own and my kids needs were also met.

If you're doing it all and he's enjoying the social life of a single man, then the line has been crossed imo.

Does he think that it's ok for fathers to socialise three late nights a week and to sleep in instead of taking their kid to school?

I mean, does he want to do better but just needs nagging/ support, or does he think why should I have to get up early/ come home early if I don't want to?

joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 17:03:06

So he's 32..... has he fallen into the Abyss !?

We have just bought our first property together....

joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 17:09:23

MorrisZAp,

Your last sentence is a good question.

I dont want to nag him.... I do need to talk to him and ask him specifically that question.

I know he loves me and doesnt want to loose or hurt me.

I want him to be happy, I dont want to give him an ultimatum about his social life, but at the moment its too much.

joanne34 Fri 06-Nov-09 17:19:46

Thank you for your replies.

It was nice ( and eye opening ) to get other people opinions.

I'm off to the school fireworks... woohoo

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 06-Nov-09 18:36:13

Ok. 3 nights a week out is not a big deal, so you don't need to 'restrict' his passion. (as long as you can afford it)However you also need at least one night out a week, and if you want more he will have to sacrifice one of his. He also needs to make sure his nights out don't impact on your family life - so he cannot be too hungover to do his bit with your DS those mornings.
You need to consider well what you expect from him, then sit him down and calmly ask for it. You also need to discuss how his hobby will fit in when the baby is born - he will have to realise he cannot continue to be out 3 nights a week while the baby is young! It's simply not fair to leave you to deal with a newborn alone while he's off getting pissed. I hope he gets that - for your sake.

Becky99 Fri 06-Nov-09 18:55:03

You need to be honest NOW - things will just be harder for you when the baby is here. You sound like you are making excuses for him so as not to rock the boat.

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