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what should I do ?!

(17 Posts)
whichwitchisthis Wed 04-Nov-09 14:20:59

Hi this is I suppose more of a what would you do

Right a bit of background, MIL lives quite a way away from us and we can not drive, we have suggested at times when she has moaned that my mum gets to see the grandkids more that if she were to move closer we would be able to pop round and vice versa but she doesn't want to so fair enough, we do try and visit but as she drives she comes round here mostly

anyway on Friday morning she called dh and told him that she felt sick and had called the emergency doc and he told her to call him and let him know what the doc had said, he rang her on his way home from work and the doc hadn;t been but she said she was ok and would go to bed, he said he would ring her when we got back from party we were taking the kids to

We got back from the party at about 10 to our house phone ringing and one of MIL's "friends" starts having a right old go at dh saying that he doesn't care about his mum etc etc and do you know she is in hospital so he goes to hospital to see mum and stays till 3am (she has a stomach bug) anyway she gets discharged and is at home for a few days speaks to us every day and is fine

Dh has just called me this morning asking is she can come and stay with us for a while as she is feeling anxious, and will stay until her tablets (for anxiety I think?) are sorted out and working

This would be fine but.....we live in a small two bed house, have three kids and there is no where for her to sleep!! She would be here indefinately and she would be HERE all the time!! So I agree cos you know it's his mum...he calls her she doesn't want to stay but can he go round for two hours every night to sit with her!? now this would be fine but neither of us can drive and he doesn't get home from work until 7 every night and then has to get up at 5am

Now we just don't know what to do, she won't come here it's too much (money also three buses there and back) for us to go there on a night and she can't drive down here due to anxiety!

But dh is thinking that she has been telling people that we don't care about her and we will be hearing from said "friend" again

iabu to just call her until the weekend?

Please ideas etc

whichwitchisthis Wed 04-Nov-09 14:21:25

sorry it's a bit long blush

GibbonInARibbon Wed 04-Nov-09 14:28:39

Is it just for a few days that DH will visit with her?

emsyj Wed 04-Nov-09 14:35:59

She sounds as though she feels poorly and vulnerable and wants a bit of company. She knows it's not practical to come to you, but what about if your DH went to stay with her for a week or so until she feels better? Could he travel to work from there? It doesn't sound from your post as though she is excessivley demanding generally, and you clearly want to help her if you can. Might you be able to spare DH to give her a bit of tlc for a short while? She would no doubt be very appreciative, and it has probably been very hard for her to ask for help. I suppose her 'friend' could step up and help her out, but it may be that DH's mum finds her just as overbearing as you do and she might not want her around 24/7!!!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 04-Nov-09 14:37:14

Can't this caring friend sit with her?

Fabster Wed 04-Nov-09 14:39:39

I think yabu to think a woman of this age would just move. My nana was more than welcome to come and live with us but once some people get in their 70's, moving is a huge deal.

Could he not sit with her a couple of times a week, you spend some time with her in the day?

whichwitchisthis Wed 04-Nov-09 14:47:05

I'm not sure tbh she's had a nervous breakdown 10 years ago and I think she maybe heading that way again or if she's going a little senile

it's just that dh would be expected to do it indefinately and we can't afford to do it we're in the process of going bankrupt and don't have a spare penny at the moment, so coming back and forth isn't possible sad

whichwitchisthis Wed 04-Nov-09 14:53:42

she's only just turned 60 I don't expect her to move just thought it would be better as she got older...hopefully we will have a car at some point in the future though

dh could go and stay with her I suppose that's a good idea, the kids don't get to see him at the moment anyway the hours he works are that long

The caring "friend" can't make it down at the moment but I am sure we will get a call from her saying we are awful nasty mean people! She had a go this same person a while ago saying that his mum was skint and we should give her some money...we can only just afford to support ourselves!

I would happily go down during the day that would be great but it is a three bus journey so that would cost ££ and I have to take dd to nursery at 8.45, ds to school for 8.55 then collect dd at 11.45 and be home for hometime at 3.30 and that;s when I start work

a doc has been out to her today and said that she is ok to be at home and that they won't admit her to the hospital

does anyone know if social services could help at all?

whichwitchisthis Wed 04-Nov-09 14:55:18

or would it be awful to suggest to her that we could take her on the train to stay with her sister, who is in all day, if it's just company that she needs

they also have a spare room there, but I don't want her to think that we are trying to offload her

emsyj Wed 04-Nov-09 15:03:31

It can't hurt to ask if social services can help. Is there a befriending service locally who might be able to send someone out to give her some company every couple of days? I know she's only 60 but Age Concern (can't remember their re-branded name, sorry) might have some suggestions or advice.

If she can drive, is there any reason why she couldn't drive herself to stay with her sister? I suppose she might want to be in her own home whilst she is not well. There's nothing worse than being away from your own bed and your own things/freedom when you're under the weather. Could the sister not come to her instead?

whichwitchisthis Wed 04-Nov-09 15:08:04

I'm not sure if she can drive or nnot to be honest, it's not been suggested I'll dh to ask her tonight if she feels up to it she could drive down tomorrow

Although she's not a great driver at the best of times very nervous so -may-be her nerves aren't up to it

Will try age concern that's a great idea

Would be able to scrape together the train fare for her it's only £20 would be much less than Dh's busfares anyway

ChunkyMonkeysMum Wed 04-Nov-09 15:14:02

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If anything, your MIL is the one being unreasonable asking your DH to visit after work for 2 hours every night when he doesn't drive !!! I would be very pissed off if this were my MIL, especially if I had been as kind to her as you in offering to put her up until she feels better.

DH needs to tell her the truth - he cannot afford to visit every day as it involves 3 buses etc etc, plus he doesn't really have the time either.

ChunkyMonkeysMum Wed 04-Nov-09 15:14:45

And also get his mum to tell her friend to keep her nose out! It's none of her business.

ginnybag Wed 04-Nov-09 15:39:36

Oh, tricky one!

She's not really being unreasonable - she is his mum, and ill, and it sounds as though she doesn't generally ask for much at all - but neither are you.

I agree, she can't come stay with you if there's no room and it doesn't sound like she's really asking but i also agree that three bus journeys each way isn't a great idea for your DH.

Do either of you actually drive? If you have driver's licenses, could you borrow her car for a while and make the run that way? Would that make things easier for a while?

I'd ask if you can have the car (if she won't be driving it anyway) and say one of you will come up each night for a couple of weeks. Be definite in the time frame, or it could drag on forever, and that's not sustainable.

When all this is over, say you all need to talk about what happened and that it's obviously highlighted some issues. She may not want to move, but if there's no other local support, and you can't move, and the transport thing will be ongoing, it may be something that will have to be reconsidered.

I'd also tell the 'friend' to f* off. I have elderly relatives with 'friends' like this and they're a major PITA.

Not a good situation, but sometimes, with family, them's the breaks, unfortunately.

oldraver Wed 04-Nov-09 18:27:52

I was going to suggest your DH has the car and visits her

Re the 'friend', if she phones and starts having a go just put the phone down, you dont have to listen to it you know. Does your MIL know she phones and moans ?

CarGirl Wed 04-Nov-09 18:34:04

Can your Dh use her car to take her to her sisters and then when she is well enough to come home use her car just for the days when he goes to visit her? He could go straight from work every other day for a couple of hours or something?

She clearly can't stay with you, yes you need to approach social services if she does need some sort of care package longer term but she doesn't sound quite at that level yet?

whichwitchisthis Wed 04-Nov-09 18:53:57

thanks for all the replies and suggestions, just got in from work

I looked on the age concern website and all I could find that would behelpful was attendents allowance, but they won't pat that unless you are over 65 sad

Unfortunately I have maybe made out she is nicer than she is grin not sure how that happened, she has been unwell for a while, not too serious, but not as she should be. She can be quite nasty and off for no particular reason, for example this friend that keeps sticking her oar in has to have got these ideas from somewhere and MIL does like to play the martyr I think she has been telling her friend that we don't care about her sad which isn't true at all

We can't borrow a car as neither of us have a driving license......I think I am going to have to call ss unless anyone knows of a different organisation, but surely if theh doc thought it was that bad they would have done that?

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