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to think that DP is really outta line

(32 Posts)
lorrycat Wed 04-Nov-09 09:56:18

I won't bore you all with the full story but basically i have just gotten back together with DP after a 5 month split. Moved back in together in Sep and I feel that he is 'punishing' me for things going wrong before (despite the fact that he took full responsibility for our break up).

I feel that he is deliberately making my life difficult. He argues that black is white and NEVER seems to be on my side. It got so bad the other night that i broke down and told him how i was feeling and said he was hurting me again. He apologised and said he would try harder.

Now one of the things that we really argued about before the break up was household chores and his contribution i.e. he did feck all and believed that because i was outta work that i should have the house spick and span and still manage to feed/clothe/clean/entertain DS (1yo).

All i wanted from his was to do the dishes every night after I cooked the tea. Now that we are back living together, and even though we discussed this rationally and DP agreed he would do the dishes, things have slipped back to the way it was before. Last night, for example, my father was coming for tea and i had to rush home to do the previous night's dinner dishes before i could even begin preparing last night's dinner. Kinda embarassing to have your father walk into a house that reeks of the night before's chicken madras and garlic naan bread angry. But, I held my tongue and gently told DP that it wasn't very nice that i had to deal with that (waited til father had gone home).

So off i went to bed at 10pm, asking him to do dishes before i went (given up asking them to be done immediately after dinner). I woke at 1.45am this morning to find DP only just getting into bed. I made a comment like 'is it any wonder you're so bloody knackered all the time whenever you sit up to 2am playing computer games.' He said nothing and got into bed.

The reason i said this was because DP has to get up at 4.30am to be in work for 6am most mornings and is always complaining he is exhausted from the early mornings. Got up this morning and dishes were still in the sink. Today was a rare occasion where DP didn't start work to 8am, so he was there to give me a hand getting DS ready. As I asked him where something was, he didn't hear me, so i raised the volume of my voice and repeated the question. He had a huge go at me, saying that i treat him like a tennager and that i'm not his mother. I couldn't believe where it came from. I wasn't nagging, just repeating a question in a louder voice hmm. He said he was angry at me for saying i had no sympathy for him being tired if he stayed up until 2am. It really hurt that he attacked me like this and i got a bit weepy again. I ended up leaving him to take DS to creche - see how he likes it having to walk away from a distressed child who knows you're leaving him there.

But i feel like he's making my life difficult again. I'm torn between anger and hurt and can see thigns going back down the same road that led to our breakup inthe first place.

My apologies that its really long winded - men are just so complicated wink

madamearcati Wed 04-Nov-09 10:00:39

Finding your post a bit difficult to understand.
the bit about 'had to ruh home to do the previous nights dishes' do you work too ?
where had you been ?

lorrycat Wed 04-Nov-09 10:04:04

Sorry madamearcati

I wrote that in a rush and probably should have taken better care in explaining myself.

Yes, I work part time - 20 hours per week. I pick up DS on way home and yesterday I had to run to shops to get bits and pieces for dinner.


VinegarTitsOnFire Wed 04-Nov-09 10:10:32

To be honest you do sound a bit like his mother having to tell him to do the dishes all the time, but if he agreed to do them them he should either do them or agree to do another chore like cooking the meal, or alternate the cooking and dishes each night between you

Or get him involved with your dc, he can do bath time while you do the dishes, etc

You really need to sit down and talk like adults, but i dont think a few dirty dishes are worth splitting up over

gingerbreadlatte Wed 04-Nov-09 10:12:22

Im sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful. I think you should leave and make the split permanent.

Sounds like he has had a chance to change and proved he can't.

Hope you can get it sorted.

YANBU, btw.

RealityBites Wed 04-Nov-09 10:14:44

Message withdrawn

RealityBites Wed 04-Nov-09 10:15:59

Message withdrawn

ginnny Wed 04-Nov-09 10:16:26

Its not just about the dishes though is it, theres more to it than that.
He behaves like a teenager so I'm not surprised you treat him like one.
He needs to stop moaning and take responsibility and that means getting enough sleep, doing his share of housework and childcare. I think you should tell him to shape up or ship out, you already have dc you don't need another overgrown child too.
I sympathise - my DP would be exactly the same if I let him get away with it.

posieparker Wed 04-Nov-09 10:16:54

AS you are the primary carer for your DS and you work 20 hours a week I would think household stuff should be 50/50 or 60/40. He's getting off lightly doing just the dishes. I think you should write a list of all the things you do and how long it takes to illustrate to your DP how much you do. He probably thinks you do very little and the bathroom/hoovering/general cleaning all happens by magic.

VinegarTitsOnFire Wed 04-Nov-09 10:17:25

I think leaving him is a bit drastic, you need to get hard on him OP, if he wont do the dishes, then refuse to cook for him, tell him to get his own tea, simples

Tell him its not an effin hotel, if he doesnt shift his arse to help you, he can start fending for himself, he will soon learn

lorrycat Wed 04-Nov-09 10:18:04

VinegarTitsOnFire...the dishes is just a bit of an annoyance really. It's more the constant battle of wills that i feel im locked into that is more draining.

I took PND after having DS and didn't recover as well as i should have due to DP not being supportive and this ultimately led to our breakup - which he says he takes responsibility for.

Now that we are back together, it feels that his promises to be more understanding, loving etc etc are not being followed through with. Instead i am being left with a man who fights against me rather than being on my side.

I know that relationships are no walk in the park. But surely it shouldn't be this difficult???

gingerbreadlatte Wed 04-Nov-09 10:18:36

sorry that was a bit harsh. I just dont see where you should go from here.

Who intiated the getting back together?

VinegarTitsOnFire Wed 04-Nov-09 10:19:02

And if he doesnt learn quick then leave and find yourself a decent bloke

lorrycat Wed 04-Nov-09 10:22:49

gingerbreadlatte...don't apologise, I posted on this board because i know that you ladies are very much 'straight talkers' and that's what i wanted. I just appreciate you taking the time to answer my post

In terms of us getting back together, he was asking me to get back for quite some time but it was me who made the final agreement to take him back.

I've just taken a voicemail from him apologising for his outburst this morning. However i feel like i'm living in a world where i have to explain to him what he has done wrong and then waiting on his apology when it clicks.

He's 32 years old and a father of 2, surely he should have more sense/respect and love for me by now?

VinegarTitsOnFire Wed 04-Nov-09 10:28:16

You need to do some straight talking of your own to him then Lorrycat smile sounds like he thinks he has got you back so he can do what he like now as he has won you over

Make it clear that you wont tolerate it, make him leave if you have to, tell him, until he can prove he has changed you dont want him living with you, its emotionally draining when you have to constantly battle with someone, i feel for you dear

Emprexia Wed 04-Nov-09 10:28:37

DH and I go round and round and round and round and round and round and r(you get the picture) on the household chores and sharing them and when/how he thinks they ought to be done

He will make promises, be better for a few days, then it'll slip back.

Its not going to change.. you either need to accept him for the way he is or move on.

I sometimes wish i had the courage to call time on my marriage as i'm tired of constantly butting heads over the same thing.

Dont put yourself through that.

lorrycat Wed 04-Nov-09 10:54:14

Thanks everyone for your messages. It's nice to get an outside perspective on things.

I think i have some difficult decisions to make over the next few days. As much as i love him, i don't want to spend the rest of my life battling him. Nor do i want my son to grow up with his father's attitudes.

I come from a family where my father did most of the child rearing/cooking/cleaning and so i know that men do have it in them.

I'm not asking for much, just some equality. At the end of the day, he wouldnt' want his daughter to be treated in the same way that he is now treating me.

Thanks again.

ParanoidAtAllTimes Wed 04-Nov-09 11:04:36

I think you have just put across your argument very succinctly lorrycat- perhaps put it to him like that?

Hope you find a way to solve this

lorrycat Wed 04-Nov-09 11:08:45

I'm seriously considering logging on at home and letting him read the posts!!!

Chorlton1975 Wed 04-Nov-09 12:01:13

If he works full-time and you only work part-time then it's probably fair that you should do more of the chores, 60/40 or 70/30, something like that. However, he should do something.

Why not get a cleaner? £20-30 a week would get the basic cleaning done and leave you with just ironing, washing, washing-up. Problem solved.

I suspect it's not really about cleaning though. How's your sex life? Him staying up playing computer games means he's avoiding going to bed with you. The reasons for this could include him not fancying you any more or maybe bed represents a place of sexual rejection and hurt feelings for him and he's trying to avoid it.

When's the last time you initiated sex? Men don't want another mother. If you behave like one, you can't blame him for acting like a teenager in response.

lorrycat Wed 04-Nov-09 12:08:34 is non existent at the moment to be honest. And I have been the one trying to initiate it recently.
His lack of interest has been a source of worry for me, something I have tried to talk to him about. He lost interest when i was pregnant with DS (who is 15mths old now) and because we were having difficulties before we broke up back in May, it was few and far between.
I presumed that things would pick up once we got back together but it hasn't. I have wondered if there is someone else, but to be honest, I know i can trust him so it would not be the case.

Getting a cleaner is not something we could afford right now, but you're right...the issue is about much more than household chores. I'm perfectly happy to do most of the work as i work part time. To be honest the ONLY thing i ask him to do is the dishes at night time. I think that is fair considering i do everything else.

I agree with you that he doesn't need another mother. But at the same time, I don't need another child.

benjysmum Wed 04-Nov-09 12:09:15

Chorlton, I agree with the bit about the cleaner.

However, if a man acts like a teenager, thereby forcing you to behave like his mother, it can be somewhat difficult to switch to feeling sexual about him.

The alternative is to do all the chores cos you don't want to nag him (not being his mother) and then have to shag him despite any resentment you have bottled up inside from having to do everything. Not a recipe for fun bedtimes IMO.

kaylasmum Wed 04-Nov-09 12:49:35

lorrycat, i can really sympathise with you! My partner is the same as yours, iwork 17 hours a week, 2 nights until 11pm and all day Sunday. I don't expect him to do a lot of housework but a little help would be great. We have 2 dc, 6 & 2yo. I ask him to do dishes and he will say yes but it has to be in his time. I like to get the dishes washed fairly soon after tea as i can't stand a dirty kitchen. He would leave them until bedtime if given the chance and as it is i usually get fed up waiting for him to do them that i get up and do them myself. His other trick is to start to wash up and then half way through he'll go up to the toilet! God my teenagers used to do that!

When i try to have discussions about him helping out more it usually ends up with him not listening or telling me that its my choice to do housework! That makes me so angry. I asked him what my options were as if it was my choice then that means i have another option and he said "you can do it later"! If i did'nt do the housework then my home would quickly deteriorate into a tip. I dread coming back from work just to start tidying up. He just does'nt get it.

rasputin Wed 04-Nov-09 12:58:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Earthymama Wed 04-Nov-09 13:14:09

I always say washing up, ironing, wiping surfaces, cleaning the loo, putting out the bins......without being reminded, asked gently,hmm etc are the best foreplay to use with a woman who is responsible for the primary care of children. grin

I think that the OP is justified in being annoyed by her partner's behaviour. It is wearing and exasperating to be the only responsible person in a house with someone who stays up late messing around and is then impossibly narky about it.

This should be discussed in the PSE curriculum as it causes so much stress and real heartache.

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