or am I married to a horrible bastard?

[Sourdough]

DH treats me like a servant. We work together (own business) and all day he demands one thing after another. He is a very busy person too, but when he comes home he will just sit and drink beer while I cook, clean up, see to the kids, do laundry etc etc etc. He goes out to work early morning and this morning (quite typically) at 6.30 he puts all the bedroom lights on and starts asking what I have done with all his jeans - he has loads of pairs, can't find any and so on and so on. He seems to think if he's up, ,we all should be (although he will have a nap in the afternoon and crash on the sofa at about 9pm. Now - and this is not the first time - I have found a magazine of 'local horny housewives' etc in your postcode. We had a massive row where he hit me with the "well I have to get it somewhere" line. Our sex life isn't great, but we're both stressed, working too hard and I don't particularly like him when he treats me the way he does. Why should I want to fawn all over him when he's an objectionable bastard? I have threatened him that I won't be here (and neither will the kids) when he gets home tonight, but to be honest, I haven't got anywhere to go because he dragged us hundreds of miles away from family and friends as he pursued his dream. Just want to kill him at the moment.

Sorry for the rant.

[alicet]

You are married to a horrible bastard

[Callisto]

Horrible, selfish, childish bastard.

[Miggsie]

Yes, you are married to a horrible bastard.

Also, he knows you won't follow through on the threat to leave so he has no motivation to stop being a horrible bastard.

[Twintummy]

What a horrible bastard.

[MmeGuisingt]

Horrible selfish bastard, I am afraid.

[Miggsie]

And he has removed you from the vicinity of your friends and family so they won't point out to you he is a horrible bastard, and thus make it hard for you to leave.

You need the book "living with the dominator"

[Chickenshavenolips]

Another vote for 'horrible bastard'. Remove the bulb from the light fitting, and when he asks some inane question at stupid o'clock just extend your middle finger.

I am not a morning person.

[Rhubarb]

Bastard.

But presumably you've let him treat you this way for years now. And he has ultimate control over you because he has isolated you.

A normal, healthy relationship relies on communication and mutual respect. He neither communicates with you or respects you.

I work at home and yet dh and I share all the housework. I cook and he washes up. He'll often clean the oven and put the laundry in whilst I mostly do the bathroom and hoovering.

He gets up at 6am but would never dream of putting the light on. They'd be hell to pay if he did and he knows it.

There is no reason for you to leave. I would pack his bags and ask him to leave. You work together, so your legal rights are half his business and a huge settlement. You are entitled to the house for you and the kids.

You may not want to do that, but it's empowering to know your rights. You can claim emotional abuse and have an injuction ordered against him in court preventing him from living in the house with you.

I would demand that he attend Relate with you, if not he can pack his bags and go. He'll only give you respect if you demand it, and so far you've not demanded any respect from him, you've allowed him to treat you like a common servant. Now is the time that you stop that, or you're children will think that treating women this way is the norm.

[Goober]

No I wouldn't say that.

A horrible caveman, yes! Not a horrible bastard.

[Colonelcupcake]

YANBU

He is a complete an utter arsehole and you should not put up with it. I wouldn't have sex with him either. You are his wife not his slave.

Book yourself into a travel lodge for a few days if you can or a B&B type place. Let him survive on his own until he grovels as he can't cope.

[acebaby]

of course you're not being unreasonable. If you decide to stay, I would suggest that you stop doing his laundry and bringing him beers. Don't say anything about the laundry, and if he asks where his clothes are, just say you don't know. My not particularly mature or well behaved 4yo can find his own clothes in the morning so he has no excuse. Join an evening class, or just arrange to go out with some friends a couple of times a week and let him get his own supper and put the kids to bed. Don't ask permission to go out, just make the arrangements and then tell him eg 'from now on, you'll have to put the children to bed on Tuesdays because I have aerobics/basket weaving/A level french'. I know you are probably exhausted and don't want to add anything extra, but believe me an evening of basket weaving would be easier than juggling the kids! Hopefully this will make him appreciate you more, and make you feel less resentful.

Sorry for the mundane advice - just didn't want your post to go unanswered. Take care of yourself and have an un-mnish hug from me.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He sounds pretty horrible.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

yes he's a bastard, my ex was like this too apart from he didnt work, men like this make my skin crawl, feel for you

[Sourdough]

Thanks all.

I have just found, to my delight, the business debit card on the kitchen counter. I think Travelodge may be the way to go, just as well because I didn't even have any money (am waiting on new PIN for my card and can't get into my bank account without it!)
I don't want to leave him full stop, because we do have alot of great history, two fab kids and actually can have a brilliant time together. His dad was a selfish prick and I fear it runs in the genes. He's not like it all the time, but he is too much of the time. I am a strong woman and have always stood up to him, but have made a rod for my own back by taking on responsibility for everything. He needs a wake up call because this can't go on.

[MmeGuisingt]

Good on you. Have a couple of days away from him and show him what life would be like without you and the DC around.

[ImSoNotTelling]

Two things here it seems to me.

First is that he is being thoughtless/selfish in his behaviour re not helping/putting lights on. Thi sis something that ideally would be discussed, he would see your POV and agree to do more/do things when asked/take on certain things as "his" around the house, and put his clothes out ready the night before so as not to wake you. If he is a horrible bastard, probably these conversations will not get you anywhere.

Second is the porny mags thing. Has he actually said he is going to prostitutes? I don't know about these magazines so don't know. Are they real women in the locality or is it just the tagline of the mags? TBH prostitutes are advertised in our local paper, complete with provocative pics Whatever it is he's actually doing will dictate what you do about that one.

However on the face of it, he doesn't sound very nice, no.

[lovechoc]

I'd be sorting him out one way or another, you'll have to be putting a stop to that or give him an ultimatum. I wouldn't be putting up with that for anyone!

[Sourdough]

He hasn't said he is going to prostitutes and, TBH, I'm pretty sure he never has. I do suspect he had an affair a while back, but have never had a confession. I do take quite a liberal, French view on infidelity in that so long as the other's face isn't rubbed in it and it goes no further than a fling it can be dismissed eventually. I'm not sure I'd feel the same if I had concrete evidence of infidelity, but suspicion isn't the same thing. He has used porn chat lines before which rightfully pissed me off (I hate porn with a passion - so tacky and nasty). The trouble is, he is quite well-known and successful and as such can be quite a target for a certain type of woman. It recently dawned on me that if I left him, he would have women throwing themselves at him immediately. Maybe the knowledge that I could be replaced is what's keeping me around. Oh, I don't know. I love him but I could kill him sometimes (almost punched him this morning, but contented myself with throwing stuff!)

[thesunshinesbrightly]

yes, make him realise what he has, you go girl

[ImSoNotTelling]

If he is very successful then why don't you just get help around the house - cleaner etc which would solve the first problem.

[Fabster]

OP - what do you want to change from right now?

You can't carry on like this not least because your children will think that this is how relationships are/have to be.

[AnyFucker]

well, I wouldn't leave, not even for a few days

would that really make him "realise" how shitty he has been ??

I doubt it

You run the risk of coming back in a few days to a bombsite for a house, evidence of more pornery and a cocky, smug bastard staring you in the face "yes, I knew you'd be back, now wash my grundies and suck my cock, woman !!..."

if you want to give him a proper shock, I suggest you take legal advice about finances and housing then present him with it

and then tell him that he is leaving

[thesunshinesbrightly]

He doesnt sound a very nice bloke,but you obviously love him, i would of got rid of him a long time ago, i hope it gets better for you.

[AnyFucker]

of course he will manage without you and the kids for a few days

he will have the time of his fucking life, knowing you have to come back at some point

[edam]

I'd go and see a solicitor for your own peace of mind - knowing exactly what your rights and and what to do if you do decide to leave/chuck him out can be quite a comfort. And then insist on Relate.

He may get daft women throwing themselves at him if you leave, but he won't have YOU or your companionship or shared history - or his children.