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to invite ex(?) BIL to stay?

(22 Posts)
bratnav Mon 02-Nov-09 22:24:56

I genuinely don't know whether IABU or not, please advise me.Sorry it is long, I am trying to get all the relevant details down in one go.

DSis and her DP have split up very recently, nothing awful on either side, just a general breakdown in communication, irritating each other over every tiny thing. DSis kept on telling DP to F off so then he disappeared for over a week. It turns out that he went to Spain, he says to try and get his head together to work out what he wanted. Understandably DSis was furious as he didn't contact her for the whole time he was away. They have a DS (1) together.

DSis DP and DH are good friends and I get on well with him too, hence we have had his side of things as well as DSis's. Because he was late returning from Spain he has lost his job and has no money. DSis has kicked him out. He is staying at a friend of a friend's house. DH went to see him to take him out for a pint tonight and said that the house is derelict, no carpet, bare plaster walls, the only room that has any furniture is his bedroom, a bare mattress with a duvet cover (no pillows, duvet or sheet). The house has no heating, bath or shower.

DSis in all fairness seems unsure as to whether they might be able to sort things out and he has offered to take her and their DS away for a few days to see if they can sort things out.

AIBU to ask him to stay in our spare room until they at least decide what they are doing?

Hassled Mon 02-Nov-09 22:29:26

Don't do it behind your sister's back. Talk to her first, but assuming she doesn't see it as some huge betrayal then go for it.

Minshu Mon 02-Nov-09 22:29:46

Not U, but be v careful. Your sis could take offence and it could escalate. How would she take it? Do you have other friends who could step in?

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP Mon 02-Nov-09 22:33:19

I think if you did invite him over it could only be if your DSis was OK with it, that is if you don't want it to affect your relationship with her.

Your loyalty really lays with your DSis even though you're on good terms with her DP and he sounds like he's in a tight spot, and she might see you as taking his side if you just ask him to stay.

Dominique07 Mon 02-Nov-09 22:35:20

It could become a THEM and US situation, where you really do hear just his side of view. Do you want to leave her feeling on the ouside?

bratnav Mon 02-Nov-09 22:40:17

True, I will call her in the morning and explain his living conditions and hope that she will be understanding.

bratnav Mon 02-Nov-09 22:41:24

DH has just made the comment that my exH still visits her when he has the DCs hmm

bratnav Tue 03-Nov-09 07:37:58


girlsyearapart Tue 03-Nov-09 07:47:23

only if your sister was ok about it. Your loyalty should lie with your sister really and if she wanted to come over and have a moan/cry about him she couldn't really do that with him there.

diddl Tue 03-Nov-09 08:18:34

TBH,I´d feel like helping if possible.

He´s an absolute tösser for lsing his job,but your sister told him to f* off, and he did.

Both sound in need of a good shake up!

bratnav Tue 03-Nov-09 09:19:17

Dsis won't come to me for advice as I would give her sensible advice and not blow smoke up her arse and tell her that dp is a bar steward and everything is his fault. I am being supportive and do feel for her as I split with my ex when dds were very young so I know how hard it is. I know she won't be thrilled, neither would I, but then again I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that someone I care about is essentially living in a squalid squat. Not even MY exH!

bratnav Tue 03-Nov-09 20:11:45


DH kissed me as I put the DDs to bed with a cheery 'I'm just off to collect BIL'. I haven't called DSis as I wasn't sure he definitely needed to stay here, DH said last night there might be somewhere else he could go.


2rebecca Tue 03-Nov-09 23:15:56

I'd be annoyed at husband for interfering in your family's affairs, presuming Dsis is your sister not his. I wouldn't go around offering beds to husbands relatives and ex relatives and would leave it to him top sort out and would expect him to leave my family to me.
He's gone behind your back and been quite underhand in my opinion.
If BIL can afford to swan off to Spain he can afford a b&b for a while to sort himself out rather than compromising you. Different if he was your husband's brother, but as your sister's ex boyfriend your husband is interfering, even if he is a friend. I wouldn't expect my sister to put up my mopey exboyfriends, especially if they can afford foreign holidays.

bratnav Wed 04-Nov-09 00:06:31

2rebecca - we had discussed it, I just didn't realise that it was definite or I would have called dsis in advance.

He went to Spain whilst he was employed so thought he had an income stream, he came back to no job.

TBH he is so grateful that I feel bad for even considering saying no, he has promised 3 nights max, if dsis won't have him back he has a contract job abroad lined up for Monday.

moondog Wed 04-Nov-09 00:16:08

How could he not konw the score re his job?
That intrigues me.

bratnav Wed 04-Nov-09 00:37:44

They decided to sack him whilst he was away. He says that he called his line manager to say he would be a day late returning as he was bumped off a flight, his manager says he never called so the MD sacked him. Not sure if hedid call obviously, but he did call dh and told him about the flight as dh was going to collect
him from the airport.

Either way it is all a big mess and my dsis phoned me this evening telling me that she has a date this weekend. I am on my phone so can't do smilies, otherwise a (hmm) face all round would definitely be needed.

2rebecca Wed 04-Nov-09 09:07:40

Did he and your sister have no savings though? Even if joint account if they've separated he should have half of that.
If he had that little money saved up going to Spain seems very silly and just designed to cause problems rather than help him forget them. He sounds very young, so maybe immaturity is understandable.
It sounds as though he could sue the airline for bumping him off a flight and causing him to lose his job.

bratnav Wed 04-Nov-09 19:53:48

I think it was a dirt cheap flight, so he used some of his salary for the month, I know that they have no savings as DSis is always complaining that they are broke. I would love to know how as they have the same income as we did when DH was employed, and their rent is nearly £1k a month less than ours shock

They both can act immaturely and spitefully, they are one of those couples who don't seem to mind arguing in front of others, and they have both said terrible things to each other in front of me, DP is a lot older than her (15 years) but it doesn't seem to make much difference.

Anyway, DSis and DP have agreed to go out for dinner tomorrow night, maybe they can resolve things between them, let's hope so.

2rebecca Wed 04-Nov-09 20:27:49

If he's 15 years older than her how come he's not managed to get a job with a proper job contract yet? If someone has been an employee for a while you can't just sack them for being 1 day back. This sounds very odd. Is he a casual odd job man or something?

bratnav Wed 04-Nov-09 21:10:04

Nope, he actually worked for the same company that DH did until recently. DH was MD, DP was IT Manager, until DH was made redundant I don't think DP was worried about an actual contract, quite understandably as DH would have made sure that everything was ok IYSWIM. It is a shonky company until DH arrived and started to get all the right systems in place, it seems that things have gone back to how they were before DH ran the show.

Technically I suppose failing to show up for work without giving notice would be gross misconduct?

2rebecca Wed 04-Nov-09 23:01:26

No because the same would happen if you lived alone and were taken into hospital with a heart attack. If he didn't contact them I'd say it was something to give a written warning for as it was just a holiday. It isn't a major problem though. If I sacked any of my staff for just not turning up for 1 day I would expect a solicitor's letter for unfair dismissal, especially if his relationship has just broken down.

bratnav Thu 05-Nov-09 19:21:36

I agree they have treated him very badly, assuming everything he has said is true, and I have no reason to doubt him.

No idea what will happen next, they are currently out having dinner.

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