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To be fed up with everything being on my mums terms?

(10 Posts)
twinklingfairy Sun 01-Nov-09 21:39:36

My mum likes her home to be the hub and for us all to come to her instead of her having to come to us.
DH complains every now and again that she hates our home and won't set foot in it (it is certainly never to her cleanliness standards). But it is not that she hates our home/house. She just hates to leave her house.
She sees it as a waste of her time, in that she can get on with her own thing in her own home, if we come to her.
I have 2 LOs (DD3, DS1), when DD was a baby I would be in to mums 3-4 times a week. It has steadily decreased to twice a week now.
This is mainly due to a couple of arguments recently and the fact that she struggled with my DS (he was a very unsettled baby) to the point that I would go in there only to feel more stressed, so I cut down my visits.

The first argument was when I asked for help in the form of a babysitter when DS was about 7 months.
There was no option that mum would take DD and DS for the night. DD yes, DS no way, therefore neither. So I had to ask my sister.
She was brilliant and agreed immediately.
Unfortunately DS woke up and would not settle. They tried CC, but I had actually told the BF that it was not how I was dealing with it and that I was using the Pantly pull off, at that point.
Before we left I gave him a run down of how it worked, but that DS norm slept a good stretch before it was needed.
It didn't work out that way.
When I asked questions afterward, in order that I could figure out why DS had screamed the whole time I was out.
Mum stepped in and told me not to rock the boat.
Subsequently I felt frustrated and sis felt that I was not appreciative.
Had I been able to talk to her, it would have been sorted out.

5 months later (I left it that long cos I didn't want to ask anyone again) and there is another falling out.
A confused phone call re time I needed sis.
I had an event I was organising and needed to be on time, she was saying she was going to be late. I panicked, an argument began.
Mum stepped in again and the whole thing escalated, to the point mum old me I was 'demanding' and asking 'all these favours!', 2 in a year??
It took me over 2 hours lots of texts, lots of tears before I thought Sod it I am phoning sis.
We sorted it out between us again.
But I had to call mum to apologise.

twinklingfairy Sun 01-Nov-09 22:39:51


twinklingfairy Mon 02-Nov-09 09:49:56

bumpety bump

Katisha Mon 02-Nov-09 09:53:16

Does your sister live with your mother?
If not then why is your mother brokering the relationship between the two fo you?

RealityBites Mon 02-Nov-09 09:57:39

Message withdrawn

twinklingfairy Mon 02-Nov-09 10:00:20

No, she lives local too.
Sis and me have never got on terribly well, always bickering.
My mum is trying to stop, and control the level that they get to.
I think that sis and I are now able to manage our own arguements, but my mum likes to get involved.
She feels she is doing best by us but actually she is making it worse by either gagging me or shouting at me in protection of her PLB.
PLB is, of course, never in the wrong.hmm

cakeforbrains Mon 02-Nov-09 10:18:41

My mum is exactly like this too. I've just told her that we are going away at xmas. She's now giving me the cold shoulder, but I know that she will remind me how upset she is every time we visit up til xmas and probably for a long time afterwards.
She doesn't babysit, we always go to her house rather than her coming to us, and she's so negative all the time.
If you find the solution, please let me know hmm

twinklingfairy Mon 02-Nov-09 10:40:52

reality that is soo my mum!
Nothing is ever quite good enough.

displayuntilbestbefore Mon 02-Nov-09 11:49:11

YANBU at all - my mum is just the same, accusing me of being "demanding" when I have probably asked only a couple of times during all my life as a mother to look after the children but she also finds it demanding when dh and I ask her to commit to a date for simply coming to see us - she can never see beyond whatever week she's in and seems to think that we have all the time in the world to wait for her to decide if she can or can't come when in fact we have children and like to know what's happening.
I don't think grandparents are there to babysit but I agree with you that they ought to be supportive and if you're in a pickle it's nice to know they're there to help out without it becoming an issue or becoming a battle. I have found since being a mum myself, my mother has become very unreasonable and if it makes you feel any better, a lot of my friends have found the same.
I am sorry you've had times when your mum has let you down by being late - been there so many times I can relate to that.
She interferes with plans my siblings and I make and constantly tries to steer us towards things SHE thinks would be better for us.
I've found over the years that the best thing to do is lower your expectations right down and then you won't be hurt by things and if you, your dh and children can be self-sufficient as much as possible, with a great network of friends around you who you can rely on, there's no chance of your mother's attitudes and relcutance to do things interfering too much with how you live your own life.

displayuntilbestbefore Mon 02-Nov-09 11:51:54

I had to go off and do something in the middle of wirting my post and since then lots of other posters have written - hope OP you can see you're not alone! It seems to be a general "Mum" thing once you become a mum yourself!
Maybe some of the mothers who have problems with babsitting never had help when THEY had small children so a bit of resentment creeps in? I know for my mother's part she didn't have anyone there to help so the whole idea of helping me or my siblings is probably a bit alien to her.

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