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to be sick of my Mum's martyrdom and general digs?

(51 Posts)
RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 19:27:32

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CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 19:33:03

You know I wouldn't bother. If she says I'll do a party I'd say no thank you we're doing our own thing.

It's not just martyrdom she's using it to control, criticise and bully IMHO

HerBewitcheditude Sun 01-Nov-09 19:34:29

She sounds bloody horrible tbh.

Being great most of the time is not an excuse to be behave like this. It's absolutely vile and no, yanbu to be sick of it.

stainesmassif Sun 01-Nov-09 19:35:19

this might sound like a stupid question - have you been honest with her? ie, when she makes plans like this ask her 'are you sure you can cope, remember how stressed you got the last time' and make no bones about the fact that her martyrdom is a pia?

having said this, the only time i have tried to honestly address my mum's martyrdom she burst into tears.

RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 19:39:52

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CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 19:42:52

All you can do is change your role.

Perhaps you run the "do" but warn them beforehand it will be different to usual and if they don't want to come that is fine but you won't tolerate them complaining about it.

HerBewitcheditude Sun 01-Nov-09 19:45:46

Just spend this christmas at home.

Tell them that you don't want to spend christmas day being bitched at so you're going to enjoy a lovely peaceful time with your family. You're an adult, you don't have to spend the day with two people who get pleasure in making you feel miserable.

RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 19:46:22

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stainesmassif Sun 01-Nov-09 19:47:06

oh dear. toxic parents. the only thing you can do is decide what you're able to change, do etc etc and that's so much easier said than done. or just put up with it and come on here for some moral support!

RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 19:48:39

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HerBewitcheditude Sun 01-Nov-09 19:48:58

My mother does this.

I just tell her that she can leave if she doesn't like it. And that most of my other guests are too well-mannered to comment about the state of my house.

That shuts her up. For 10 minutes.

HerBewitcheditude Sun 01-Nov-09 19:50:23

Yes you will be won't you.

After all, without you to belittle and hurt, how can they possibly enjoy christmas?

Why the fark should your christmas be ruined rather than their's? Why shouldn't you be entitled to a nice christmas?

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 19:52:17

reality, this xmas you should just have your own nuclear family do at home

when they ask questions why, just calmly repeat all the occasions when it has gone tits-up

be like a broken record

nuclear family xmas

nuclear family xmas

they can bitch all they like

you are stuck in a pattern only you can break

it will be hard, and much opposition will be had

but it isn't the law you have to do these things

truly, life is too short to force yourself to do things you hate, especially as experience tells you it will be stressful and not a success

CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 19:55:10

would you put up with this behaviour from a friend? Then why put up with it from family who are supposed to love nuture and support you??

Yes we should love, care and spend time with people and accept their quirks it doesn't mine you should let them treat you in such a toxic manner.

RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 19:55:39

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RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 19:57:16

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AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 19:59:04

well, small steps eh

but I guarantee you will be back on here on dec 26th with a mahoosive long rant grin

RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 20:00:10

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edam Sun 01-Nov-09 20:04:23

Oh, I recognise the passive-aggressive refusal of ANY help followed by the complaints and moaning and martyrdom... my mother is scarily similar.

The worst Christmas was when she stayed with my sister and it was daggers drawn in the kitchen with BIL. Two cooks sharing a kitchen and competing with each other over Christmas dinner is NOT a good thing! (I escaped the worst by staying at home and only going along for Boxing Day...)

ToffeeCrumble Sun 01-Nov-09 20:10:29

YANBU. My mum does this too and she misrepresents what people have said. I always remember when i was at school and i had a French exchange student to stay. Every morning she would ask if the student wanted a cooked breakfast (fry up) and the student would sort of agree politely. She then went around moaning to everyone that the student EXPECTED a cooked breakfast every morning. As if a French person would expect a fry up for breakfast! She does things like that all the time. Generously offers things and then if you have the audacity to accept she starts to back out and moan to people that you are expecting so and so.angry

RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 20:13:18

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WhereYouLeftIt Sun 01-Nov-09 20:18:05

If she's going to have a go at you whatever you do, maybe Christmas without them is the best way to go - at least that way you get one day of peace.

But my comment is probably more due to my attitude that I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb ...

choosyfloosy Sun 01-Nov-09 20:20:14

So, the first time you offer help for Christmas and she turns it down, say to her 'OK, just writing down that I offered help which you have said no to [and DO write it down] so that when you completely exhaust yourself and tell me I'm no help, I can show you the list of 23 times over the next eight weeks that I will have offered to help' [BIG laugh here] [change subject]

CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 20:26:36

choosyfloosy I was coming back to suggest something similar.

Also write down everything she drinks and what you drink so you can show her exactly who does drink the most.

Then get your dh to video "the conversation"

CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 20:26:37

choosyfloosy I was coming back to suggest something similar.

Also write down everything she drinks and what you drink so you can show her exactly who does drink the most.

Then get your dh to video "the conversation"

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