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for telling DH I don't want him meeting this woman?

(82 Posts)
CthuluForPM Sun 01-Nov-09 14:20:35

My DH has been playing an character-based wrestling online game for the past 2 years while he works night shifts, and has met several good friends through it. They chat online 'out of character' and have met up as a group a few times (I don't attend).

He's become very good friends with his online tag team partner, a woman who lives abroad. He's told me (and her) that he fancies her, and she also fancies him. They've met twice face to face, once at one of the group events, where they kissed goodnight (with my and her partner's permission), and once when she and her partner came for dinner at our house.

I freely admit to being jealous of her, because I don't get to chat much with DH as he's usually asleep, and I look after our kids so am asleep when he's awake and so they talk more than he and I can. He's cheated on me before by having cybersex with another online wrestler. (We are mostly over it, and it's not trust that's the issue, more my discomfort).

He's recently stopped playing the game but has said he wants to see her again as she's become a close friend. He's also said on other occasions that he wants to cheat on me with her but won't sleep with her without my consent. I REALLY don't want him to visit or see her alone, even if it's for dinner, but wonder if I'm over-reacting, it just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

tethersend Sun 01-Nov-09 14:23:46


ClaireDeLoon Sun 01-Nov-09 14:24:11

No, YANBU I would insist he stops all contact. He has said more than once he wants to cheat on you with her? That's lacking in respect isn't it?

PersonalClown Sun 01-Nov-09 14:25:02

Excuse me???
He wants to cheat??

Kick his arse out the door and get a liitle self respect for you and your children.

ImSoNotTelling Sun 01-Nov-09 14:25:43


Why did you give consent for him to kiss her?


CthuluForPM Sun 01-Nov-09 14:28:12

Claire and personal We have a policy of absolute honesty, which means if you fancy someone else, you tell your partner. (I've done this too, but I did just fancy someone, rather than actually want to cheat). I'd rather he told me that he wanted to cheat so I can work with all the information, rather than him not tell me and my agree to him visiting this woman. Although he said he wants to cheat, it doesn't follow that he will.

CthuluForPM Sun 01-Nov-09 14:29:47

I'mso Because a kiss goodnight doesn't bother me (not talking full on snog here) and have done the same in the past with consent. This was before he said he fancied her though.

ImSoNotTelling Sun 01-Nov-09 14:29:57

Yes DH and I are honest with each other.

If he asked for my permission to kiss another woman, I would quite honestly tell him to go fuck himself.

RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 14:30:04

Message withdrawn

Sn0wflake Sun 01-Nov-09 14:30:04

Please! Get a backbone and tell him he has to cut contact! He is your husband and should start acting like one. That includes him not telling you every sordid little thing that comes into his head to make you feel insecure. To be honest I'm not sure I believe this post.

And why would you need to have a 'character based' wrestling you need character to wrestle?

GroundhogsRocketScientist Sun 01-Nov-09 14:31:21


SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Sun 01-Nov-09 14:33:47

I'd wrestle his arse out the door TBH.

Sn0wflake Sun 01-Nov-09 14:34:03

Oh and I think that sort of honesty is hugely overrated. I really would rather not know who my partner's really nothing to do with me unless he does something about it.

If you are real I think you are both totally bonkers.

PersonalClown Sun 01-Nov-09 14:35:29

I'm sorry but I beg to differ.
Me and DP also have a policy of honesty. We do admit to liking other people but that is usally in looks/outwards personality only.
We would never allow ourselves to get inot a postion where we would even consider cheating.

He claims this woman is a close friend which suggests to me that boundarys have been crossed when she should be held at arms length if he knew that he fancied her.

I have asked DP and he agrees. Why put yourself in a position where you jepodise your relationship over a fantasy that is being pushed (IMO) into reality.

Liking someone else and wanting to cheat are 2 very different things.

Heated Sun 01-Nov-09 14:35:35

Pull the plug

CthuluForPM Sun 01-Nov-09 14:36:05

Snowflake: Similar to world of warcraft, people create characters and then come up with storylines around them, as in real life wrestling. DH has been playing character-based role play games since before I met him.

Also, I assure you I am a real person, just name changed for this post as my usual nickname is my general online nickname.

RealityBites Not insane, just have slightly different boundaries to you.

CthuluForPM Sun 01-Nov-09 14:37:55

personal That was my feeling, no problem with them fancying each other, just not happy with the direction this is going in.

cheesesarnie Sun 01-Nov-09 14:38:42

first post.shocking.hes an arse.your an arse for encouraging him.

Ronaldinhio Sun 01-Nov-09 14:40:26

I'd suggest inviting her to a cyber cage fight and kicking her head in and then doing the same with him

PersonalClown Sun 01-Nov-09 14:40:55

If he had any respect for you and your relationship, he would be keeping away from this woman as you are uncomfortable in their motives.

As he has 'cheated'(in all senses bar the physical) before, my gut feeling is he wants to have his cake and eat it.

May I ask what his reaction be if you were doing the same to him??

CthuluForPM Sun 01-Nov-09 14:40:58

cheese As I said above, am a regular MNer, been on the boards for 10 months-ish but using a different name for this post.

UnquietDad Sun 01-Nov-09 14:41:39

Wrestling's all fixed. Much like this post.

CthuluForPM Sun 01-Nov-09 14:42:18

personal Cybersex doesn't bother him. As for the meeting face to face.... I don't know.

RealityBites Sun 01-Nov-09 14:42:24

Message withdrawn

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 01-Nov-09 14:43:10

I really think your husband needs to come off nights. He's been doing it for at least 2 years, couldn't he ask his employers to switch to days? I know that will probably reduce his earnings, but it really sounds like the two of you need to spend more time together.

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