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Teenage daughter being gossiped about by friends mum

(60 Posts)
Carrro Sun 01-Nov-09 12:36:48

My daughter is 15 and very responsible and mature for her age. Her best friend has had more than ten boyfriends in a short time, while my daughter has none. My daughter thinks there is something sad and disturbing in the way her friend flits from bfr to bfr. Because of this, my daughter has withdrawn slightly from her friend, and hooked up with other girls, who share her view about having loads of bfrs. The mother of the girl with many bfrs, has now started a whispering campaign about my daughter "being jealous" of her daughter, hinting that if my daughter can not "be happy" for her daughter, she is no friend at all. Considering that we have treated this girl as a member of our family, paid for holidays for her etc, I find her attitude extremely hurtful.
The mother is a single parent who does seem to live her life through her daughter, but still...
I have now told my daughter that I do not want her to have any contact with the girls mother, though I'm quite happy for her to be friends with the daughter.
Am I being unreasonable?

TrillianSlasher Sun 01-Nov-09 12:44:08

See other recent threads (possibly trolls, bu still) where parents have been saying 'why does my friend's teenage DD not want to be friends with my DD?'.

Some people are just overly bothered about their children's friendships, IMO.

I don't think you should be telling your DD to stay away, but maybe you should explain to her that people of all ages are sometimes nasty and childish, and she should try not to take it personally. Your DD sounds very sensible from the litle we've heard.

Sn0wflake Sun 01-Nov-09 14:10:27

I don't see the problem with the friend having lots of bf's. It does sound a little like your daughter is being jealous or just a little nasty. To be honest I find the tone of your post old fashioned and 'curtain twitching'.

Goblinchild Sun 01-Nov-09 14:14:56

Are we talking about boyfriends or lovers? and how cat's bum of your daughter to join up with the Scandalised Teenager Group.
Is the other girl slagging your daughter off, or just enjoying being young, free and single without being judgy?
Sounds like both mothers need to take a step back and develop interests more suited to their years.

dittany Sun 01-Nov-09 14:18:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 01-Nov-09 14:25:08

If your daughter is happy that she has made the right choice then ignore any comments from the friends mum. At that age they are able to choose their own friends without parental input.

dittany Sun 01-Nov-09 14:27:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 01-Nov-09 15:25:32

"I'm also not sure why a number of boyfriends should affect your daughter' relationship with this girl."
Well, it could be that the girl drops her friends like hot potatoes in favour of the latest boyfriend, and only want her girlfriends around when she's between boyfriends. That would certainly affect OP's DD's relationship with her, and would inevitably lead to her spending more time with other friends who do not regard her company as second best.

And has nobody else encountered any mothers who, from a young age, tell their DD how beautiful they are and how every boy who meets them will want to be their boyfriend? (Seriously - not kidding. The girl is beautiful, but ffs encourage a wider horizon than boyfriends.)

OP, YAB a little U - but only because I just don't see that your DD has any relationship with her friend's mother anyway, so really no need to tell her to have no contact with her. If she is drifting away from her fair-weather friend, so be it. It's not unusual to gravitate to other friends at that age as tastes and pastimes change. As for the 'whispering campaign' - well, who's going to listen and who would believe her anyway? Anything she might say can't touch your girl, so ignore her.

Carrro Sun 01-Nov-09 15:56:11

Well, the curtain twitching surely doesn't fit in here. My daughter comes to me with problems, whether it's about school or friends. There certainly is no moralistic outrage on our part, because of the ten bfrs, but the fact is that my DDs friend dumps her friends whenever a bfr is on the scene. Which, as I said, is often. And each time a new bfr shows up, my DDs friend expects my DD to be just as enthusiastic, just as curious, and just as "happy for her" as she was with her very first bfr. The only gossiping I am guilty of, is to talk about it with my daughter, and now on this forum.
The mother of the other girl makes a point out of asking other mums for a coffee and chat, and then she always brings up the subject of my DDs "jealousy". As my DD has three older brothers, she doesn't find boys either mysterious or something to desert your friends for, but to her friend every boy seems more worthy than her friends.
I do feel sorry for my daughters friend, who has tried to explain her need for bfrs (she can't bear to feel alone) At her age I find it sad that she should feel like this. I'm just disgusted with the mother, for trying to make out that my daughter is jealous and not a true friend. The two girls spent a wonderful two week holiday in Florida with us last August, all expensed paid by us, and everything was fine. No sooner had we arrived home, than the bfr thing started again. Plans were cancelled, phone calls cut short..because the bfr took first place again. If I were the other mother, I'd certainly talk to my girl about "bfrs come and go, but friends are forever"...after being treated like this, I'm not at all surprised that my daughter withdrew from her friend. And no, she didn't join The Scandalised Teenage Group.

Sn0wflake Sun 01-Nov-09 16:17:18

Carrro what you said in your original post and this last one are very different. The first one really did make it sound like you and your daughter were being a bit judgemental. If this is all about the other girl not being a consistent friend then I think your daughter should explain this to the girl and then back off if she wants.

But if the friend does have low self esteem and needs the attention of men to make herself feel better then your daughter could try and help with that.

Yes if mother is doing this it is sad and annoying....but she is probably worried and hurt for daughter.

It will blow over. I don't think anybody else will take it too seriously. Just take a deep breath and think about something else.

bellissima Sun 01-Nov-09 16:18:58

When I was a skinny whippet teenager (sigh! - to think I hated it) I had a glam curvy friend who attracted far more bfs (strongly suspect it was a case of 'I'll chat that looker up, oh and you can go for the friend") than me and yep, tended to dump me a bit when she was going out with them. Gradually (well i was a teenager!) I realised that maybe I was better off seeking out other friends. It was a valuable lesson. Would have DIED if either of our mothers had got involved/gossiped/made demands.

Heated Sun 01-Nov-09 16:29:36

It's a shame that parents interfere in friendships, it's just all part of growing up.

No one who knows your dd will believe that she is jealous. They might judge the friend's mother though if she's gossiping about a young girl.

Really, rise above it.

cherryblossoms Sun 01-Nov-09 16:33:16

My reading of this slightly at variance with that of previous posters. So here goes.

The world of our kids is slightly different to that of our dc. Yes, they overlap and intersect but so much our dc's journey to adulthood is conducted just off and to the side of our world and, significantly, is conducted through their relationships with their peers. Negotiating the points at which we swoop in and offer advice/intervention is really, really tricky.

Your dd's mum is crossing the line. She should butt out and maybe even get a bit of a life. Harsh but true. HIf she really is discussing your dd's and her dd's relationship over coffee with her adult mates ... she's going too far. And the fact that you have come to hear of this tells me that other parents think she's going to far too.

On the plus side, she's making no friends doing this. You can bet your life that the people she's chatting to may be nodding sympathetically but are going home and telling their own kids to tell her dd nothing, to tell her nothing and making sure they, themselves, tell her nothing.

She's breaking the mum's omerta and acting as an "open channel" between her daughter's circle of friends and her own. Yes. of course, we all cross that boundary, but the point is, because that flow of information is so precious, it has rules that are all about not violating its inherent confidentiality. No mum wants that flow to dry up!

So, in short, I think, yes, tell your dd to steer well clear of her friend's mum. She's a blabbermouth. And you do too. Whatever you do, do not yourself be drawn in.

You'll notice I've said nothing about the whole boyfriend thing. that's because it is almost an irrelevance. how kids choose to negotiate the complex terrain of friendship and romance is, really, their business. They'll learn what suits them - and there will be tears, no doubt, on the way.

The point is, you're supposed to be able to eavesdrop, so that you can swoop in if things start going pear-shaped. You're not supposed to get stuck in there, your dd's friend's mum is (undoubtedly for reasons of care and concern for her dd) simply in the wrong place. Worst of all, she's risking your whole network of informants by doing this!!

Obviously, if there is more going on, if it looks as though your dd's friend is becoming a scapegoat, or being bullied or something nasty like that then you intervene.

MitchyInge Sun 01-Nov-09 16:38:44

what does the mother's status as a single woman have to do with any of this?

MojoLost Sun 01-Nov-09 16:50:36

I find it really odd that people are calling you judgemental, i would be very concerned if a daughter of mine at 15 would have had more than 10 boyfriends.
I think you have every right to protect your child from bad influences, ignore the other mum.

AliGrylls Sun 01-Nov-09 16:57:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

At the end of the day, people make friends with those that have the same principles / interests as themselves - the fact that your daughter has decided to seek out new friends, who are the same as her, is entirely sensible.

Your dd can be pleased for her friend but at the same time I don't really understand what her friend's mother expects your ds to do - does she expect your dd to sit in waiting for a phonecall from her?

thesecondcocking Sun 01-Nov-09 16:59:36

well,you know,single parent-probably a bit lonely and desperate-ditto the daughter...
should TOTALLY be judged on that basis judges

thumbwitch Sun 01-Nov-09 17:00:08

As another one who had a "friend" who dropped me every time a new bf came on the scene, I can sympathise with the OP's DD and agree that other friends are going to be more congenial.

This "friend" of mine spent her whole time sighing about boys, either the one she was with (when we were at school) or the ones she fancied. As this was not really anything that interested me at the time (I was a tomboy who still saw boys as a pita, tbh) it was very boring. Jealous - ha, no chance.

But I don't see that you should tell your DD not to have contact with this other mum, just maybe not to discuss anything personal with her. In the end, at that age, your DD can make her own friends and choose who she wants to be friends with. The only people who are going to lost out here are the other girl and her mum - because you are no longer going to be paying out for holidays for this girl.

cherryblossoms Sun 01-Nov-09 17:00:34

blush Just realised how succinctly Heated said much of what I (verbosely) said!!

thumbwitch Sun 01-Nov-09 17:01:07

As another one who had a "friend" who dropped me every time a new bf came on the scene, I can sympathise with the OP's DD and agree that other friends are going to be more congenial.

This "friend" of mine spent her whole time sighing about boys, either the one she was with (when we were at school) or the ones she fancied. As this was not really anything that interested me at the time (I was a tomboy who still saw boys as a pita, tbh) it was very boring. Jealous - ha, no chance.

But I don't see that you should tell your DD not to have contact with this other mum, just maybe not to discuss anything personal with her. In the end, at that age, your DD can make her own friends and choose who she wants to be friends with. The only people who are going to lose out here are the other girl and her mum - because you are no longer going to be paying out for holidays for this girl.

thumbwitch Sun 01-Nov-09 17:02:43

whoops - curse of the double post blush

GypsyMoth Sun 01-Nov-09 17:11:19

i noticed the reference to lone parent too....whats that got to do with it??

keep out of it,they will naturally pick up/drop off friendship intensity as life goes on.
anyway,how do you know the mother does all this? you aren't invited for coffee? so how can you be certain,and its not a case of other mums making it sound this way?

red37 Sun 01-Nov-09 17:15:32

my dd is 15 and has never had one bf, she has friends who have had many bf's, I just let it all go over the top of my head.
I just advise and guide my dd when she tells me about her friends,the ones that drop her like a hot spud when it suits them, the thing is, it all a learning curve for them and as they mature they eye open there eyes more and outgrow people
Dd is very open with me, dd has told me that one of her friends had done it(sex)my dd's own words
bf's are part of growing up

The best thing is to rise above it all IMO

Ronaldinhio Sun 01-Nov-09 17:21:12

to be honest your post sounds very odd to me

as a teenager I wouldn't have stopped being mates with one of my mates if they had a bf, as at age 15 they'd see them fairly rarely and want to scandal endlessly about "he said this" etc etc so ver ver exciting/piss taking etc

you keep going on about paying for things for this girl ver unnecessary and grim tbh
ditto mentioning her parent being a single parent

doubt a 15 yo has ever claimed she needs a bf because she can't be alone...sounds like very grown up thinking

you sound like you need to have something else to fixate upon.
Because it would be terrible to start to live your life through your daughter....

thesecondcocking Sun 01-Nov-09 17:39:10

ignoring the fact that you were mildly insulting about the kids family set up i shall give you a word of advice.
Never,ever,ever fall out with anyone about children or discuss anything with your children that you wouldn't be happy to have to explain to the parent of the child you said it about...
by the time you have finished backtracking/apologising the kids'll be best friends again...
My eldest daughter has friends who(frankly) i am shocked at what they permit-one mother was IRATE that the boy they'd let sleep over at their house and have sex with their daughter (she's 14 by the way) should dump her...i have not and would not say anything to my daughter or anyone else about what i think about this-it's not worth the kick off.
ps some children tell their parents what they think their parents would like to hear...

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