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to suspect my cousin is being used to get a passport?

(9 Posts)
oricella Fri 30-Oct-09 11:18:01

Just heard my cousin is getting married in a few weeks time somewhere in Africa. He has known the girl for 5 months, he has borderline, no work prospects, no qualifications, health problems from nearly succesful suicide attempt a few years back. A couple of months ago he sent such a desperate message I fully expected another attempt within the week, but at the moment he sounds very cheerful.

He went to Africa 5 months ago for a 6 week visit and chose to stay - can he really have met the love of his life on day 2? Is he being taken for a ride? To be fair - if the girl is out for riches, he is not a prize catch, although he has managed to get his benefits out there until he is 23.

AIBU to think that this is all heading to a total disaster one way or another? Or should I have some faith that this is the real thing and they will live happily ever after?

slushy06 Fri 30-Oct-09 12:39:51

Sadly it doesn't matter what you think don't interfere because if you are right and things do go wrong he will need you and it will probably be harder for him to ask you for help.

However you need to trust him as you have not met the girl and seen them together how can you possibly judge whether or not this is the real deal.

Just wait and hope for the best.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 30-Oct-09 13:37:37

He's been with her for 5 months? Then you have no way of knowing this isn't a real relationship. Also where in Arica? Not everyone in Africa wants to get to England you know hmm and if she wants a passport she's going to find it much harder than she anticipates...anyway, the UK border agency makes it very hard to be in a relationship with any future with someone non-EU without getting married, we certainly married sooner than we would have done for the purposes of visas, doesn't mean we aren't genuine.
More to the point, if he has MH issues that she is 'saving' him from that will end in tears. Are they planning to come here after the wedding? Cos it will still take minimum 3 months after the paperwork is all in.

Biobytes Fri 30-Oct-09 13:46:37

I met my ex on the day I landed in his country. We were together for 11 years.

I was in a much better financial position tham he was when we met and when we married. Yet, some stupid people could only think that as I was a foreigner therefore I wanted a passport. I never applied for one and to be honest, I could have given my right arm to stay in my own country.

oricella Fri 30-Oct-09 14:28:21

thanks for your reactions - I don't want to be judging - just worried for all parties; she may not know what she is taking on, mh issues are serious indeed, but he can put an extremely good spin on it. And he will be vulnerable if things get tough.. he is wearing those rose tinted specactles at the moment

I'm waiting to hear if I can see them this weekend in Nairobi; I'll be there a few days for work, they knew when I was coming and I hear they are leaving town the day I arrive. Trying to persuade them to leave a day later and meet them from the plane.. I think my suspicions were raised a bit when cousin told me his fiancee didn't trust white people too much and only wanted to meet me if I was a good muzugu hmm

Wait and see it is then.. maybe it'll all be fine

ZZZenAgain Fri 30-Oct-09 14:43:35

Well go and meet her (and if you can her family) and see what you think. It might put your mind at rest, she may even be the making of him. He does not sound like a prize catch atm from your OP (I don't mean offence with that, just he is not the strong shoulder to lean on right now, is he?). So he met her on day 2 and yet after 3 months of being with her he was sending you such a desperate message you thought he'd commit suicide again (kind of odd, huh?) and now they're getting married.

It could be that she's one of those maternal types who take boyish men under their wing - and that might be good for him. It could also be as you suspect that she wants a way out of a difficult situation and thinks he might be a way in to an easier life. But even so, difficult for you to intervene effectively I should think.

I would take a little gift along for her and ask her to go shopping with you for an hour or so (if your workload permits) and you'll get some kind of feel for who she is maybe and hopefully it'll put your mind at rest.

I don't understand his situation really. So he is on benefits although he has been in Africa for 5 months, is ill, depressive and has no qualifications etc? That needs some sorting altogether

ZZZenAgain Fri 30-Oct-09 14:47:45

^try to^ commit suicide I meant.

He is only 23, sad that he's tried to do this

oricella Fri 30-Oct-09 15:00:11

Was wondering about bringing a gift.. DP suggested bringing a toaster as a wedding present!

Just got a text they're staying on for Sunday night and meet me from the plane for a few hours

I agree that he needs sorting out - tbh I was aghast that he managed to get his benefits whilst he is out there (it's not UK, special benefit for young people who are unable to work for various reasons). His moods are so variable - from absolute highs to very, very deep lows. She seems to have a steadying influence at the moment, but with cousin despair is never far away unfortunately.

Maybe, maybe it will all be fine and there is such a thing as fate and they were destined to meet... quite excited about meeting her now & I'll try and be positive.

Now just have to think of a better gift than a toaster

ZZZenAgain Fri 30-Oct-09 15:43:16

hope it'll be alright.

I wasn't aghast at him receiving his benefit whilst overseas so much as thinking he is still young and obviously something has gone badly wrong for him (suicide attempt etc, health issues) and it is not clear to me atm how this marriage will be on a sure footing - at least in financial terms. Maybe it is a very good thing that he went there when he did. Let's hope so.

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