to feel sad that ds thinks I should work more just to buy him more stuff.

[lunamoon2]

Hi

Am feeling pissed off and upset.

Today foiund out that ds (nearly 11) stole a length of ribbon(?).
Haven't taken it back to the shop as only found out late.
Anyway calmly explained all the reasons why this is wrong.
Asked ds why he had done it as he couldn't really be in need of some ribbon.
He told me that he did it because I never buy him anything "good".
Turns out by good he means games for his xbox etc.
He also said it was because when he asks for things I tell him to wait until his birthday which is next month.
I calmly explained to him that he cannot have everything he wants in life and that it is very important not to get into debt over such things.
Both dh and I work(myself school hours to fit in with the family- I also have 2 other children). I explained that I don't earn a lot etc and ds response was that I should get a better job even if this means working very long hours all the time.

I am uset as I gave up work to look after my family believing this was the best thing to do. Perhaps I would be better thought of if I worked 60 hours a week and shoved him in nursery every school holiday and weekends too.
On top of this he moans if I say he can go to either grandparents house so it seems I can't win.

Just wanted to write it down as I am quite annoyed by his attitude.

Also he isn't complaining about clothes/food or the amount spent on hobbies just it appears expensive games.

Thanks for hearing me out.

[TheDevilsKnickers0nMaHead]

He's 11?????

How bloody rude of him.

[mummyofevilprincesses]

It is sad and upsetting when they don't appreciate you. Sounds like you are doing your best and he is being demanding and ungrateful. I don't know what you should do, but I do know that you should not feel guilty or work longer hours for something as stupid as the newest X box game.

Maybe it is time for your son to start learning the value of money and the value of you!

[nula]

luna one of my 3 is just like this and it is incredibly upsetting. I don't know why as I have never spoiled him nor am I draconian or mean.

[ineedalifelaundry]

Yanbu. He needs an attitude check.

Could you give him a 'job' around the house for which he earns a bit of money, then he can save up to buy his own games? Might help him understand the value of money (and just how bloody expensive those games are!)

[AxisofEvil]

Well I think many kids of that age can be royally selfish and when he says things like you should get a better job he won't have actually thought it through.

[Lilyloooohhhh]

ineedalife was just going to say same thing
Give him some responsobility for earning money to use as he wishes
I doubt he understands the implications of 'get a better job'

[Fibilou]

If you ask me he is trying to blame you to deflect from the fact that he has stolen, and it's worked because now you're questioning yourself. No 11 year old nicks ribbon because his mother won't buy him X box games.

I don't think he would have got the benefit of me being calm. I really don't think you should be justifying what you work etc to your 11 year old, 11 year olds in my book get told what happens and like it or lump it.

It is him in the wrong not you, don't let him wheedle you into thinking you're to blame. Lots of kids nick stuff, it's not due to anything their parents do wrong, it's because it's a thrill and something they can boast to their mates about. [takes police officer hat off]

[ScaryMotherWhoScreeches]

Ooh, stand by your guns OP.

He's trying it on and being mean. Tell him if he carries on being hurtful and stealing he won't be getting the games for his birthday either.

[lunamoon2]

Thanks for all your replies.
I was beginning to think I am doing wrong.

Fibilou-you are right- he has managed to pass the blame as it were. I just cannot believe he has stolen a bloody ribbon of all things.

Ineedalife- yes this is a good idea I mentioned this only the other day. The trouble is he is quite messy and I have told him that I expect him to tidy up his own clothes/dishes etc without any financial reward so I will pay him to do jobs but not for picking up his own mess iyswim.

[Bellsa]

"I am uset as I gave up work to look after my family believing this was the best thing to do. Perhaps I would be better thought of if I worked 60 hours a week and shoved him in nursery every school holiday and weekends too."

I understand you're upset, but some of us have "chosen" to, as you so eloquently put it "shove" our children in nursery. Do you really think being so rude about someone's childcare decisions is helpful? It's this kind of attitude that make a lot of full time working mothers feel inadequate. So thanks for that. I'm sure you can sort this situation though. You have the time to do it since you are a better mother because you don't work full time.

[pipWereRabbit]

Bellsa - so glad that you have managed to turn this thread into being about you - instead of OP and her DS .

[Lilyloooohhhh]

Bellsa oh yeah hooray let's have a sahm v wohm debate FGS this is about op not you ......

[LadyMuck]

So what punishment have you given him? Or has he managed to deflect your attention as I suspect he hoped to?

[nula]

Bellsa, I don't think OP was being rude about others' childcare decisions. Just that she had cut back on work considering that best for her family and now her ds was challenging what she thought was best.
Certainly no implying she was a better mother because of it

[lunamoon2]

Bellsa- I am not having a go at anyone for working or not working.
I was merely telling it like it is. My ds does not like "having to go anywhere, be it grandparents or childcare" so that I can "go to work". Hence my sadness/anger at his response that I should work more. This would result in him having to be "shoved" into childcare which he doesn't want to go to. I was merely pointing out to him the consequence of me working more.

One of the reasons I have the job I do (which is lower paid than I used to be) is to avoid the childcare senario.
I used this to explain to ds that I sacrificed pay for my family including him, which is why I was quite angry. Hope this makes some sense.

[ScaryMotherWhoScreeches]

Personally I always felt a bit funny about DS being paid to keep things tidy, so I went down the route of fining him. He gets a Saturday pound.

I used to charge him 10p for every pair of pants he left on the floor.

He only went down to 90p once

[Stayingscarygirl]

And she's upset by what her son has said and done, and that's all she was thinking about when she wrote the post - not whether a phrase used in the heat of the moment could be taken amiss.

Give her a break Bellsa.

Lunamoon - my ds1 has shoplifted once, and I am very glad that he got caught - it put the fear of God into him, and he's never done it again. I'd suggest that you make your ds write a fulsome letter of apology to the store, and then takes the ribbon back to return it and hand in the letter in person.

I did also read somewhere about a mum who got her local community support police officer to come and give her child a lecture about shoplifting - you might want to consider that.

[nula]

scarymother I like your style

[Vallhala]

Luna, I too expect my children (14 and 12) to tidy their rooms and put their plates in the dishwasher for example without reward and consider that this is just something they should do as a courtesy. If they do something extra I might reward them with pocket money or they may ask if they can help for a financial reward.

I don't know what the answer is but I know one thing for sure - that your lad's behaviour is not because you have done anything wrong and you are not at fault. You aren't a bad mum, you're to be respected and admired for doing your best to provide for your family both in terms of love and paying the bills.

Maybe you know of other children whose parents are not so well-off (not suggesting that you're rich, but thinking of a lone parent family with one income or similar)? If so you could cite them as an example of what its really like to struggle to give their children all the new games. For example. my own DC tell me that Jane has the latest phone and John the latest laptop. I bring my DC back to earth by pointing out that Jane and John are only children in a 2 parent household with both parents earning and my girls have just me to pay for everything. I've also added that Jane might have all the latest gadgets but her parents are often too busy working to spend time with her. it sometimes helps to put things into perpective and make our DC realise how lucky they are even if they don't have every material goodie under the sun.

[hf128219]

Could you shove him into nursery at the weekends? Then maybe he may be more grateful.

[TheDevilsKnickers0nMaHead]

Bellsa, since when was this thread about you?

[EightiesChick]

Fibilou's post is spot on here. Your DS was successful (at the time) in tapping into your own guilt - don't let him do it again! Perhaps a bit of education about how lucky he is even to have an X Box might be good for him? Could you get someone who works with deprived kids or similar to speak to him? I also like the idea of the community police officer.

BTW, my DS is in nursery and I wasn't at all offended by your comment on that front. We are all conditioned to feel guilty whatever we do re childcare or no childcare! Everyone has to pick what's right for them and do the best they can. Doesn't help to have a go at one another about it.

[EightiesChick]

In fact, how about removing his X box for a set period as his punishment? Given that he has 'no good games' for it anyway, you'd be doing him a favour! Then see how grateful he is to have it back even with the games he has already.

[Poohbearsmom]

Scary gr8 ideas! Op poor u it really is awful how they know so well how to upset their Mums... He was tryin to weasel out of the terrible thing he'd bn caught out on by turning it over to u/ur fault for not providing enough!! Id take a close look at his friends if i was u... Our police mum is prob spot on bout da friends showin off to eachother wat they nicked... Ribbon...

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

OP
I have to admit when I was your DS's age I stole a few things. I remember stealing a cadbury's cream egg from waitrose and a bottle of nail varnish, which my friend had asked me to get her, so when she tried to pay me I had to say I got it as a present for her! I also stole 20p from a classmate and some change from my mum's purse.
I don't know why I did it, especially with the nail varnish, xcept we were pretty poor and the money thing was about jealousy and resentment. But I was fundamntally honest and got over it very quickly. Sounds like your DS has done something similar (ribbon??) and is now backpedalling because he probably can't explain why he did it either. You do need to address it with him but don't panic that he is becoming a thief because he probably isn't.