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to be living in sin and get annoyed that everyone has a point of view of this when

(50 Posts)
midsummereve Thu 29-Oct-09 21:30:54

the saying is if its not broke dont fix it,please give me your views

JesusChristOtterStar Thu 29-Oct-09 21:33:32

midsummer i am so with you and use that phrase a LOT

dp and I have people constantly asking us when we are getting married etc - at parties this can go up a level to people planning the wedding etc hmm

errrr - we dont want to be married

I wonder why they all care so much

sleepwhenidie Thu 29-Oct-09 21:34:18

"living in sin" hmm - where/what century are you living in that anyone, except perhaps ageing relatives, has anything to say about it shock?

cornsilk Thu 29-Oct-09 21:35:15

People only care because their own lives are boring and empty.

Curiousmama Thu 29-Oct-09 21:37:29

I know I grin at the living in sin.

Nothing to do with anyone and rude of them to try to plan your wedding hmm Weird.

Fleecy Thu 29-Oct-09 21:38:25

That must be annoying - presume you don't go up to people and ask why they bothered to get married when there's no point because it's cheaper to live together?!

SIL never wants to have kids, neither does her partner. It drives her crazy that people always tell her she'll change her mind. Must be a similar thing.

TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose Thu 29-Oct-09 21:39:26

There are actually legal benefits of being married. Especially, for example, should one partner die unexpectedly.

LadyMuck Thu 29-Oct-09 21:45:45

Unless you are frequent church-goers then it really shouldn't be an issue. If you are frequent church goers then it probably is an issue for some of those around you, who like it or not, will view the arrangement as being, well, sinful. But if you're not a church goer then whetehr or not it is sin isn't really anyone else's business.

As for the issue of people asking about your relationship "status", I personally am interested in how my friends relationships evolve. It is easy to spot the couples who are just getting together, and equally getting married suggest a certain level of commitment. If you're living together but haven't got married then of course the nosy amongst us want to know whether it is because you have a deep secret in your past which means that you can't get married, whether one of you wants to be able to make a speedy exit, or is simply unable to commit etc.

That said I think that once you've been living together for a few years and have a child or two, then I simply wouldn't be interested at all. I'd probably be nosy for the first year of shacking up either pre or post kids.

midsummereve Thu 29-Oct-09 21:48:33

We have kids and im looking into a will so if I were to die I have said our children stay with their dad I know if your not married your parents have rights over your kids im lead to believe correct me if im wrong but as a mum what I say in my will goes surely?, as for getting married we are happy and I get fed up on people saying when are you getting married.we are happy and thats all that matters.grin

BrokkenHarted Thu 29-Oct-09 21:50:07

what do peple say to you? surley they dont start ranting about 'living in sin'?

choosyfloosy Thu 29-Oct-09 21:52:01

tbh I've forgotten whether most of my friends are married or not.

Living in sin is not a phrase i have heard used since 1982. Are you a time traveller?? If you use that phrase with people, they may feel that YOU have a problem with it.

Tell them that if they want to plan a party, to throw one themselves and invite you - otherwise, to leave well alone!

LadyMuck Thu 29-Oct-09 21:53:38

Does your dp have parental responsibility? If so that should trump anything in your will. If not then it will be down to SS.

What about joint assets? House, pension?

It is possible to sort things out so that you are no worse off legally as an unmarried couple (apart from inheritance tax and capital gains tax I believe). But you do actually need to sort them out and not just assume that things would be the same.

midsummereve Thu 29-Oct-09 21:54:15

They dont say as such but people dont approve when you have children and have said to me before I have children I would be married then have children, and I think good for you because thats your decision not mine.

TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose Thu 29-Oct-09 21:55:25

There's more to it than writing a will. YorkieGirl had a MN campaign after her DH died suddenly on holiday. It became apparent that everything would have been horrendously complicated had they not been married IIRC.

HerBewitcheditude Thu 29-Oct-09 21:56:47

Living in Sin?

Is your brother Lord Brideshead? Are you Julia Flyte?

TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose Thu 29-Oct-09 21:57:56

Also as an unmarried couple, you're stuffed if you split up as there's no legal recognition of "living together"

midsummereve Thu 29-Oct-09 21:58:37

Yes my dp lives with me, we rent and have joint parental responsibility I have a will so does he,becuase we are not married and did not want this disputed if anything should happen does that still count ladymucksmileI would appreciate your advice.

LadyMuck Thu 29-Oct-09 21:58:56

I just tried to search for Yorkie's thread but failed - I think that search is up the creek tonight. From memory it was just the simplest of things that were easier because they were married eg get money out of their joint accounts. In her particular case (her dh dies suddenly on holiday) she wouldn't even have been able to bring back his body unless she was married.

TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose Thu 29-Oct-09 21:59:15

My view is to grab 2 people off the street as witnesses then forget about it and never tell anyone you're married.

ginnny Thu 29-Oct-09 21:59:57

My granny called it "living over the brush"

LadyMuck Thu 29-Oct-09 22:01:33

I would have expected that being a resident parent with parental responsibility would trump the will, though if you do both have valid wills then that is obviously best. Presumably your solicitor at the time of writing the wills went through the particulars of the tenancy agreement etc.

salbysea Thu 29-Oct-09 22:01:46

"but as a mum what I say in my will goes surely?"

as far as guardians go you can only state your preferences

the courts will act in the best interests of the child, if they can match that up to your willed intentions they will but if not, courts trump wills in this.

The best way to guide them is to list a number of preferred guardians in order of preference

JesusChristOtterStar Thu 29-Oct-09 22:04:32

a lot of my friends are catholic and my children go to a church school

i dont imagine things get said

prejudice still exists

BrokkenHarted Thu 29-Oct-09 22:06:41

I am shocked people actually say anything about it to you. I would understand an old lady Christian ranting but your mates?

zipzap Thu 29-Oct-09 22:10:10

Think also that there are potential complications regards money - if you're married then assets can pass between husband and wife when one of them dies without paying tax whereas if you're not married then the estate has to pay tax. And that could mean that depending on how much your house is worth and your husband is worth, his estate would have to pay tax and you would have to sell your (joint) home in order to raise enough money to pay death duties IYSWIM.

Might be worth posting in legal to find out exactly as I'm hazy on it, was something that I was told rather than me knowing it because I'm a lawyer! And i know people that have done the getting married because of these sorts of issues rather than because they really wanted to (like you, they figured if it's not broke don't fix it) - they just got married very quietly so they had the peace of mind of the legal stuff being sorted and everything else ticked along like before.

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