Following on from yesterday's thread about dd ....... we continue!

[mosschops30]

thread here
I did show her what I wanted doing before I left and actually said 'look I dont expect a palace, just do your best'
I get home yesterday after asking dd to clean, to find house tidy-ish, but deffo not clean.
I didnt go round looking for things as I believed her when she said she'd been busy. But through the course of the evening I notice:
that the tv is on disney channel (obviously I didnt leave it on that and had only been gone 2 hours)
that the sink is dirty, I ask dd and she says, 'well I did clean it'
That the toilet still has a variety of 'things' on it, dd says 'oh I didnt know I had to clean the seat'
thats the hall hasnt been hoovered, dd says 'oh I didnt know I had to hoover the hall'
Also note that Dyson hoover isnt even a quarter full and almost empty can of pledge I left her along with new full one, is still, yep almost empty!

So I leave it, giving her the benfit of the doubt and she as planned is going to town today with friend to buy birthday pressie for tonights party, and buying halloween outfit for party on saturday. For this she requires £30 apparently, which I got out the bank for her last night.

Whilst I am getting ready this morning sitting on my bedrrom floor, so am eye level with my drawer tops, and they are thick with dust.
So I ask her to come in and say 'look i want the truth, did you clean yesterday'? dd says 'well yeah I did' so I ask again if she did her best or some half arsed attempt then sat down to watch disney 'yeah I suppose so' Then she says 'look I'll do it properly friday if I can still go to the parties'

At which point I either killed her or cried my eyes out ...... obviously was the latter, I cried for ages saying that I never ask her to help me normally, its only because I am so tired and big, and that she just wants wants wants and gives nothing in return.
I have told her she cannot go to Halloween party on saturday, but she has still gone to town and party tonight as too late to cancel.

Even after all this she still said 'oh so what am I supposed to tell so and so about party on saturday'?

Am I being hormonal and ott - I am so upset and hurt about all this. I try to make a deal yesterday and it gets thrown back at me and I feel like she's learnt nothing, shes gone to town with my last £15 for the week.
I honestly dont know if Im being stupid or not, my bloody hormones are all over the place

[Stigaloid]

YANBU for her to help out - i wouldn't have let her go out this evening. I would remove the TV from her bedroom. I wouldn't have given her the money to go to town.

[Stigaloid]

that was meant to say YANBU for wanting/expecting her to help out

[mosschops30]

oh I want to cry again now, I just cant seem to get it right
I feel bad enough stopping her from going to the party on saturday, she makes me feel like the mother from hell, but I just want a bit of help, Im so tired even though Im doing pretty much nothing in this last week or so.

[biggirlsdontcry]

yanbu - wish i lived near you so i could help out , you are teaching her responsibility , my ds (10) is like Kevin out of harry enfield when i ask him to clean his room on the weekends ,
is there any way you could encourage her with pocket money for chores , that way its up to her how good a job she does iykwim

[cookinmama]

I don't think you are being the mother from hell at all in fact I think you have been very soft on her and you are not expecting very much from her. However if I were you I would have told her to forget tonight as well, although obviously that is not really an option now. My ds 12 already has to do the jobs you had asked her to do and I am not 38 weeks pregnant, he earns a certain amount but doing each job and gets whatever he has earned as pocket money at the end of the week.

If i were you I would be sitting down and sorting out some sort of contract if she does such and such she will be allowed to go to whatever and if she doesn't do it stick to your guns and don't let her go - she will catch up with the program pretty sharpish.

As for you I hope you are relaxing with a nice cup of tea, don't beat yourself up you are doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances.

[NeedCoffee]

sorry but I think you are being far too reasonable, she is taking the pi** and playing on your emotions knowing that you're feeling guilty. If it had been me and my DD, she wouldn't have been going anywhere with any money until she had finished the chores that she had agreed to do.

She should be helping you out, what about when you have your newborn. Tbh it sounds like My 9yo DD does more than your 13 yo, including helping me with her 2yo sister as I am incapacitated at the moment.

[thesecondcocking]

poor you-i feel for you.
teenagers are/can be horrid.
Mine did a vanishing act on friday night and rocked up at nearly midnight...
however,wrt cleaning and tidyding i think you may be being a bit unreasonable.
first and foremost-and this goes for dp as well as dc's if i say 'tidy round' they'll do that (ie make piles of stuff for me to sort out) they don't clean/vac/dust.
i wouldn't expect a child to clean the toilet, i would give her the vacuum cleaner and tell her to clean X and Y floor but wouldn't think that she'd use her own initiative to do so.
WRT the sink/cooker hob that's a bit much too-not that you are asking too much but that you didn't specify it.
We have a rota with EVERYONES jobs on it-if i ask dd to do something extra i incentivise her to do it (takeaway/money) or ask her to mind her sister (for no cash!) while i do it myself.
you are expecting too much imho. sorry,

[diddl]

Tbh, I don´t think your daughter should be helping because you are pregnant-that´s a choice that you & your husband made.

If she does help, fine, if not I don´t think she should be punished.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I also would have told her she could not party tonight, as not only had she not done what she was asked to do but she had also lied about doing it. As to her 'what am I supposed to tell so and so about party on Saturday?', could I suggest -

"My mother asked me to do what anybody my age could be reasonably expected to do around the house, but I acted like a spoiled 5-year-old so my mother is now treating me as such and 5-year-olds don't get to go out on Saturdays. I am so stupid, it's all my own fault."

Yes you are too soft with her, and it's doing her no favours either. I do think that you need to crack the whip over her a bit. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I think it's horrible that you are in tears when you shouldn't be.

[thesecondcocking]

i agree with diddl,it's your choice to be pregnant again and therefore it would be nice if she would help you out a bit but realistically it sounds like you wanted a full top to bottom house clean-that is not a job a teenager should HAVE to do in order to go out IMHO. sorry (i was trying not to make you cry again

[Stigaloid]

"Tbh, I don´t think your daughter should be helping because you are pregnant-that´s a choice that you & your husband made."

True - she shouldn't help because you are pregnant. She SHOULD help you because she is

a) old enough
b) a part of the family and therefore pitches in
c) makes the mess so should clear it up
d) needs to earn her pocket money through responsibility and work.

She should also help you out as you are tired and limited due to pregnancy and it is an act of compassion. Although from teenagers this can be rare (shudders at memory of 13 year old self)

You need to let her know there are boundaries. That her actions will be met with consequences and that she always has choices.

eg: She could go to the party if she does her chores and homework.

If she chooses not to do this then the consequence is that she can not go to the party.

Big hugs - am pregnant too and know the exhaustion and hormones are hard at the end.

[thesecondcocking]

stig,cleaning the bog and vacing and dusting the entire house is asking a bit much from a kid-why can't the dp do it? seriously?
i really wouldn't punish mine for not doing it-horses for courses but it's a lot to ask.
(i am unaware of the sanitary towel saga or of the age of the child btw)

[Stigaloid]

Hmmm - i don't think it is too much. Maybe in one afternoon it is too much but vacuuming and dusting and cleaning the loo - surely the DD makes part of the mess, adds to the dust and uses the loo?

I'd make a cleaning schedule that DP and DC's can have their own allocated duties and they earn their pocket money/treats through contributing to the household.

For little one it can be clearing the table and loading the dishwasher. Making bed in the morning.

13 year old can vaccuum and dust

DP can clean toilets, kitchen floor and iron

All pretty reasonable household chore i would have thought.

[motherlovebone]

make a list of jobs, and tell her if she completes it, she can go on Saturday.
keep hold of said list for next weekend.

[TheDevilEatsBabies]

she's old enough to wash pots and clean the sink, tidy and hoover, dust, sort out washing, clean bathroom sink and bath too.

prbo wouldn't make her do any more than throw bleach down the bog, though.

[diddl]

She is old enough to help,I agree-but not do it all.

Mine aren´t teenagers yet, but they are expected to keep their rooms tidy, dust & hoover their rooms once a week, put clothes in wash box & put them away after they have been washed/ironed.

Clean the toilet/basin/shower if they leave a mess/spill toothpaste/shampoo.

Pitch in with the cooking/washing up/drying at the weekend.

However, if your daughter is normally expected to do the things you have asked her to or in return for going to a patry,that´s different.

[thesecondcocking]

you're all correct of course she can physically do it but should she be expected to do it in turn for getting something? i am not sure she should be-from what i can see that is a pretty comprehensive list to be heaped up onto a kids shoulders and then grounded/punished if she doesn't do it.

[prettyfly1]

nonsense that cleaning the toilet, dusting and vacuuming are too much for a thirteen year old to have to do. She is part of a family and should bloody well know to help out - not only that not then LIE about it to her mum. Thirteen - not four. I cleaned the entire house for my parents at her age because they both had to work such long hours (and I am twenty seven now so its not such a long time ago).

You need to sit her down, tell her what is expected of her then dont give in to her emotional blackmail and she shouldnt be going to the party after doing that to her pregnant mother. Teach her to respect you.

[thesecondcocking]

different horses for different courses fly-i just wonder what other cleaning there is left for the other members of the family after this kid has vacced/dusted/cleaned the bathroom/kitchen inc sink bleaching...
maybe she should've stuck a broom up her arse-oh,that was already on the list!

[prettyfly1]

but it was only one day - in my house growing up and now tbh there are lists of things that need doing every single day - is she doing it every day? If it is her turn, her day or just a "help" for her mum I really dont see what the problem is. And she probably would have lied about the broom as well because she did NOTHING to help her mother in the house whatsoever which in my book is unnacceptable.

[diddl]

I don´t think anyone is disputing that she could have done the work.

I think that she lied is terrible.

But if she doen´t usually do anything, it seems a lot to do in one day, imo.

But if she did the work between now & Saturday, I´d be tempted to let her go out.

I don´t make myself stay in if I´m not up to date with my chores.

I think it´s her attitude/television/other things that might be more the problem than not having done the housework.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

I guess it's not just that she didn't do any of what was asked but also that she lied about it. Give her the opportunity to do the jobs to earn back Saturday - maybe give her specific instructions regarding the cleaning though. That way the ball is back in her court.

In future she needs to do chores for pocket money to spend in town, not to be using your money! Get a rota going so everyone knows what needs doing and by when. Maybe she could choose the chores she does?

[mosschops30]

ok just to answer what some of you have said!

I did not ask her to clean oven, hob, kitchen floor or anything else in the kitchen, as I did it myself yesterday morning.
She was asked to clean the bathroom with wipes, not scrub with bleach etc, toilet, sink and just shower over the bath.
She was also asked to dust.

In the end I have done it all myself today, and now have backache so bad I can barely walk.
She in turn told her friends mum that she couldnt go to halloween party 'because I didnt clean the house well enough' not 'I was asked toi clean because I had already decided I would ignore my parents this week and go to bed when I please, then I said Id clean, but actually I didnt I just watched the disney channel and tidied before mum came home'
So I ended up phoning the mother to explain because she obviously thought I was some victorian cracking the whip evil mother from hell.

I have not expected her to clean 'because Im pregnant' I asked her to help me this week with things like carrying the hoover upstairs. I ended up giving her the cleaning because of the tv and light off issue earlier in the week.

Oh and with regards to dp who leaves the house at 6am and arrives back at 7pm every day, and yesterday worked from 6am until 1am, then got back up at 6am to do another day on site ..... I thought I wouldnt give him a list of chores to do this weekend!

[mosschops30]

oopps shouldve said dh not dp

dd's godmother came over this evening and I was still upset, she went upstairs and had a word, when she came down she didnt say what she'd said just 'I see what you mean about the smirking'

dd has gone to party tonight, but I am sticking with my decision to not let her go on saturday

[Longtalljosie]

"Tbh, I don´t think your daughter should be helping because you are pregnant-that´s a choice that you & your husband made."

Well - that argument would hold water if it weren't for the fact that people who love each other should help each other when they can see the other person struggling. And that includes children when they get to that age.