to think that DH comes across as very negative when he talks about our house move?(9 Posts)
Am I being Unreasonble to wish he would be a bit more positive?
We moved this year, and obviuosly we get a fair few questions about how its going in our new town.
Now we planned and saved for 5 years for this move, we had a huge 'wishlist' of what we wanted and we pretty muh got everything on the list.
The only negatives are;
.... the house needs more work than we wanted but then we did manage to find one in the nicest area of town which we couldn't have afforded if it didn't need work.
and .... DH still has to work away 3 days a week with a 20min-1hr commute; do a 1hr commute to work on day 4 and works from home day 5.
We got out of the city
I've got a job in my field of work locally within a month of looking on a reasonable salary and no travel costs /time.
DC settled well into school
I've made loads of friends
Its a great place to live
but any time anyone asks DH how its all going he says with this huge grimace and groan "the travel is kiling me" or "the hosue is eating my money" ......
Its really getting to me - especially as he will do it after I've just finished saying how great it is. Dont' get me wrong I dont' make light of his travel I usually reply by saying its a lovely place and DS has some nice school friends, its a shame DH has to drive still but now I've got a job we're hoping he can change jobs/ location.
DH NEVER mentions any of the positive stuff, and people dont' know how to reply. I mean they all know we planned this. Its obviuos that a good school, a lovely house in an attractive village and a job for me are all good things but then they have Mr Whingy going on about how awful his drive is.
Oh on top of all that its driving me up the wall that he isn't here 3 or 4 days of the week. He doesn't have the school run to sort out, childcare worries before/after school. DC meals and washing to do etc etc. Plus if he wants to he can go out after 7pm, even just pop to the shop - I can't unless I take DS (4) with me.
But apparantly he has the harder time of it and its 'really' difficult for him. To the extent that the last time he talked to one of our mutual friends (someone we only see a few times a year) She rang me up afterwards and commiserated on our seperation because she said DH had sounded so bloody miserable and cross and he kept talking about "H's" house.
It sounds like you need to talk to him.
He sounds very unhappy and unable to tell you that because he sees you are so happy there.
Oh dear. It sounds like it has been a very positive move for everyone except him. I'd probably be feeling the same as him - he doesn't even get to live in the dream house and be with his family for half the week. To be honest I thnk you're being a bit harsh on him and not seeing it from his point of view. He doesn't sound happy at all. Could you have a chat with him about what would make a difference for him?
I think YABU. He is finding it really hard to adjust, he IS having to do more then you to do so and you are all ME, ME,ME. I have settled down, I have friends, I like it here. Well your partner and the person who should be your best friend isnt and is finding it hard so be more sympathetic and try and support him in finding ways to improve his feelings rather than just wishing them away.
Might there be anything else wrong? From your post it sounds as though he was working away 3 days already so that's no change, and he's working from home day 5 so that's positive, so it's only day 4 that he's actually having a reasonably long (though perfectly within normal range imo) commute. That wouldn't be enough for most people to say the travelling's 'killing me', especially if the trade off was the dream house in dream location.
But I agree with others he sounds very unhappy and you should try to get to the bottom of it together.
Its driving you up the wall that he isn't here 3 or 4 days of the week ?
You're really going to have to be a bit more understanding of how he's feeling. Poor man.
I do think YABabitU.
From your point of view, as the chief carer of your kids, his three days away means no kids and freedom. Which sounds attractive on the surface. But the truth is that he probably finds it desparately lonely and longs to be with his family.
To clarify - is the three days away a new, post move arrangement? If it is, then I suspect this is the crux of the problem. One day working from home probably doesn't make up for the three away.
In your list of pros you don't mention whether your DH has made new friends. It'll probably be hard for him to do so seeing as he's not working locally nor doing the school run bits.
If he was looking forward to and planning the move along with you, but is now - as it seems - very unhappy - you do need to sit down and ask him non-judgementally about how he's finding things. He does sound a bit depressed.
I think he is depressed, and I'm sorry if I came across as judgemental. I guess I feel because we planned this together and every time he does the negative thing I feel like he is also saying I forced him into this. We have talked about it, I've suggested he take up his fleible working option and work more from home, I've suggested he works out of the closer office 3 days a week so he can be here more often (to combat lonliness), I've suggested him asking to go to a 4 day week so he has more time here to make friends, I've suggested he works friday morning and then saturday afternoon (writing reports) so that we can go out for a pub lunch on friday and he can pick DS up from school and make friends.
Sorry I probably am being a bit U, I guess I wanted this to work so much and I don't know what else to do to hlep him enjoy it as well.
I know when dh is unhappy me suggesting things doesn't help at all, however great the suggestion
And when someone is feeling down or trapped (not saying he is, but he might feel it) even well-meaning, loving suggestions can feel like a criticism
Maybe something along the lines of
'I love you, I want the best for you. I notice you seem down, what do you want to do?' and then just listen, without saying anything unless you're invited to. No criticism, no defensiveness, no suggestions
It's amazing what can come out when people have space, and it can be tha you're so keen to 'fix' it, to 'make him happy', that he hasn't had that space.
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