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to wish that my mother would at least try to see things from my perspective occasionally??

(2 Posts)
cakeforbrains Wed 28-Oct-09 21:53:08

I've just got back home from visiting my mother for the day, and I've just cried all the way home. I am so worn down from trying to make her happy, trying to be supportive, but also trying to do the right thing to meet my DSs needs.

My mother is disabled, was widowed two years ago. At the moment my two sisters live with her, one through choice and the other forced by her job situation.

I have 2 DS, aged 3 and 7mnths. They are her only grandchildren. We live about 1hr 15 away, but I try to visit as frequently as possible, usually every 2 weeks.

My mum is just clueless about what the children need. Today she proposed going out for a meal at 7pm (DSs bedtimes), and was disappointed when I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. When I was trying to get DS2 to sleep she repeatedly told me that that it wasn't going to work and that babies didn't need sleep hmm. Then when both boys started screaming with tiredness at the end of a very late dinner (cooked by me) she got cross at them 'being grumpy' sad.

Every time I visit her I drive home upset, feeling like I want to drive my car fast into a wall or something. Every time there is a clash of expectations. She refuses to believe that the DSs benefit from regular mealtimes and bedtimes. She once made me drag DS1 to visit a relative at 9.30pm. I had an operation two days before her birthday, but still dragged myself over to visit but she was disappointed that we left after 4hrs because I was in agony - apparently we should have stayed all day.

Today I told mum that we are going away for xmas - a decision forced on us to a certain extent because our house will be a building site with no kitchen or bathroom. Also DH works long hours and is away a lot so we really need some family time. She cried and said that the only point of xmas was the children. I know she is disappointed but I wish she could also see the reason behind it.

So AIBU to wish that my mum would at least try to consider my feelings, and any suggestions how I can manage our relationship better?

thisisyesterday Wed 28-Oct-09 22:00:32

aww, you know i think sometimes parents/grandparents anyone who has had kids a long time ago really forget what it's like
you know when they seem like they're playing happily but you put them down for a nap because you know they'll need it? all the other person sees is a perfectly happy, not necessarily tired looking, child playing.
and i guess in your case your mum wants to make the most of her time with them, which is understandable.

my advice is try not to let it get to you! if you know they need naps then just put them down for one. if she says they don't need one jhust say "yues, they do, or they will be tired later" and just don't discuss it.
remember they are YOUR children and you get to make the decisions, even if she doesn't like it.

I remember my mum going upstairs and crying once because i had refused ds1 some pudding and he was really upset (in hindsight i was wrong, but that's neither here nor htere)./
my dad said i should apologise to her and i said no, he's my child and i get to choose how to bring him up. if she doens't like it then i'm sorry, but it isn't up to her.
I guess this got relayed back to her because she has been much more "vocal" since... i wonder if one of your sisters could have a chat with your mum?

i think long-term though, just ignore the bits you don't like, and appreciate the good bits!

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