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to be mad at DH for this (warning: Christmas related and long!)

(24 Posts)
TheBlairSnitchProject Wed 28-Oct-09 09:40:28

I know it's early but I'm having to be super organised about Christmas this year as I am pregnant and due on the 27th December. Although I'm probably going to end up with a ELCS the week before, sometime around the 20th December.

OK, Back story - Ever since we've gotten together, DH and I have spent alternate xmases with each others families. We live on the same estate as his parents, a 20-30 minute drive away from his 2 sisters and a 3 hour drive from my Mums so it's not possible to do both in one day, nor would it be fun with a 2 year old, and now a newborn too, in the car. DH's family rotate xmas between his Mum's and his sisters houses, our house is too small to get everyone in (12 people usually - our table seats 4 but we could maybe get 6 round at a push). My family always do Xmas at my Mum's. Sister 1's house is too small and Sister 2 and Brother still live at home.

This year we were due to be with my Mum but I really didn't fancy the 3 hour drive with a fresh section wound and a brand new baby so we cancelled. My Mum was fine with this.

We mentioned to DH's family that we weren't going to my Mum's but didn't push for an invite anywhere cause we thought we might just stay at home. TBH, I wasn't keen on this plan as DH is a terrible cook and I wouldn't be up to a whole xmas lunch. Plus, I feel like we do dinner with just the 3 of us every Sunday and Xmas should be special.

Then, while chatting to my Mum on the phone one night, she suggested that she could bring Christmas to us. This sounded like a great idea to me. We would do meat cause it needs a long cook and Mum would bring all the other bits and cook it in our kitchen. One of my sisters is due to be at her in-laws for Xmas so we would only need to make room for Mum, my Brother and other Sis. 5 adults, 1 toddler and a baby in total, probably about the maximum our house could hold. The plan is that they will stay over night at sisters house on xmas eve as she is halfway here then drive the rest of the trip after breakfast on xmas morning. We'll have most of the day together then they'll go back to sisters for xmas night - we have no spare bedrooms so it's the lounge floor and sofa otherwise! My sister has spare rooms.

I like this plan because it means we'll have family round for Xmas, DS will have 3 adults to dote on him just as baby becomes boring and I will be able to establish feeding with my week old DD without either making my FIL look horribly uncomfortable or having to sit in a strange bedroom on my own. If DD is anything like DS was, I will be feeding every couple of hours so I'd miss most of Xmas otherwise!

But then, about a week after talking about this, SIL invited us to hers for Xmas while DH was at his Mum's without me. DH said yes as he didn't realise the other plans were definite. We talked about it when he got home, decided that we did want to stay at home and he was supposed to tell his sister.

Then, about a fortnight ago, we were out for lunch with his other sister and she mentioned Xmas. We said again that we were staying at home and I again said that he had to tell SIL, preferably before she heard it from other SIL as she might be offended otherwise. MIL and SIL's talk to each other a few times a day so this was really important to get done quickly.

This this morning, I got this e-mail, it was sent to DH and I was cc'd in..

"I've not had a reply from you but SISTER 1 said you told her a couple of weeks ago that you aren't coming for Christmas now? I'm sure you would have let me know so thought I'd better check as I've already started buying things like crackers and little table presents for adults and children.

I've copied you in TheBlairSnitchProject in case TheBlairSnitchProject's DH ignores me again!!"

Now I think she sounds annoyed and that she's going to be upset with us. Phoned DH at work to rant ask him why he hadn't talked to SIL yet and he seemed unbothered but has said he will call her later.

I know I could have called her myself but TBH, I'm not as close as I would like to be with my SIL's. We can chat on the phone if they call and DH isn't in (if he is, they just ask for him straight away) but I would never call them just for a chat. Hell, his family still play "Bloods v Outsiders" for Christmas day Trivial Persuit!!. As you can see from the email, they only copy me in if they need a reply cause they know how rubbish DH is at responding! And - it was DH who agreed to go, I feel like he should be the one to cancel too.

So - AIBU to be pissed at DH for not sorting this out and leaving me to feel guilty about upsetting his sister? And AIBU for wanted to spend Xmas at home?

FlamingoBingo Wed 28-Oct-09 09:44:31

YANBU to be cross with DH and YANBU to want to spend Christmas at home but you're lucky she's not cross with you! Email her back and say that you're really, really sorry, that you had asked your DH to tell her weeks ago. Don't let her be hurt and put out by your DH's behaviour - it's not her fault. But don't feel guilty either - it's not your fault either!

allaboutme Wed 28-Oct-09 09:45:42

Your DH is being an unorganised arse, yet.
BUT all is not lost.
Stick with your lovely xmas with your family.
Email SIL back and say how very sorry you are that she hadnt been told and you thought DH had told her etc, he really shouldnt have accepted invite in the first place etc etc.
Then get DH to admit what a nob he's been and to send his sister some flowers asap to make up for it.
(your SIls email does not sound p'd off at all to me, just wanting to know whats happening and seems quite understanding of her brothers forgetfulness!)
I'm sure it'll all work out fine smile

Sharpyharpy Wed 28-Oct-09 09:48:08

Men donn't get it - talk to your SIl - donn't '' blame'' your husband to her but make its clear whats happened. Bollock him

TennisFan Wed 28-Oct-09 09:48:41

DHs are always doing this IMO.
Email or call SIL and explain the situation, I am sure all will understand you would rather be at home.
Although if it was me I would want to be at home without the guests - but then perhaps I am a bit of a bah humbug.

diddl Wed 28-Oct-09 09:51:20

I´m with TennisFan.

I´d rather organise no guests, tbh.

bigchris Wed 28-Oct-09 09:52:12


but stand firm, make sure you get the xmas you want this year

SCARYspicemonster Wed 28-Oct-09 09:54:08

I'd call your SIL and say you're hugely embarrassed that your DH didn't tell her what you'd organised and you thought he'd told her weeks ago. Apologise profusely. Then bollock your DH when he gets home.

Astrid28 Wed 28-Oct-09 10:00:50

I don't think she sounds cross with you, maybe a bit exasperated with your husband for being a bit crap and confusing things.

It's October.....if she is angry she shouldn't be really, a week before the day then fair enough.

Just call her and tell her the situation, it's plenty of time for her to take back the extra box of crackers smile she'll know it's your DH causing the confusion.

Clayhead Wed 28-Oct-09 10:06:53

I'd call back too, less chance for any misunderstandings.

I'm also with TennisFan, having had a baby Christmas week, I would not want anyone over the door!!

Tortington Wed 28-Oct-09 10:10:54

YABU - oyou know how to use a phone fgs - you know your dh is useless - so phone

TheBlairSnitchProject Wed 28-Oct-09 12:08:35

You're right Custy, I should have phoned myself ages ago. I know DH is useless so I should have taken charge.

He gets miffed with me when I don't trust him to do these things though and I really don't have the sort of relationship with my SIL where I can just ring her up.

This was important though.

How stupid is it that the thought of ringing someone I'm 'related' to scares me a bit!?!

Doodleydoo Wed 28-Oct-09 12:17:03

Always scares the living crap out of me Blair, and then I make the effort to call and MIL can't wait to get me off the phone so now know my place.

That being said it is only October still and I would call her and say that it is really kind of the invite but you had already made plans which dozy dh hadn't thought about. Then explain you hadn't just have had a c-sec you would jump at the chance but as you will only have come out of hospital a couple of days before you think it might be better with baby hormones etc to stay at home and let your mum do everything. Perhaps you could suggest popping in for a drink on xmas eve or boxing day with new baby and for some present opening. Surely SIL will understand if she has dc? Then bollock husband on his return!

TheBlairSnitchProject Wed 28-Oct-09 12:33:46

We've spent Christmas at SIL's house before (the year I was pregnant with DS in fact) and it was lovely, I am just worried about being too tired and hormonal to enjoy being in someone else's house. I want to spend Christmas BF-ing in my PJ's which I can do at home with my Mum and siblings but not at SIL's really.

She has 2 DC's of her own. Both were quick, easy births though and neither were breastfed so I'm not sure she realises how tough those first few days can be before/while milk comes in. BF-ing DS was a complete nightmare for about the first fortnight - I had the duty midwife come round to help me feed while in tears more than once!!

We will make sure we see them but just when we're ready, which I can't guarantee will be Christmas day.

SCARYspicemonster Wed 28-Oct-09 12:43:18

I think this whole thing could have been avoided if you'd just rung her as soon as you'd heard she'd invited you. Then you could have been very gracious. That way it wouldn't have mattered if your DH hadn't told her like he was supposed to have done because you would have. I do take your point that it's your DH that got you into this but it wouldn't have hurt for you to have rung her.

And I reckon the more you call her, the less scared you'd feel about it. Probably

TheBlairSnitchProject Wed 28-Oct-09 12:50:15

You're right Spicemonster but he said he'd deal with it and as rubbish as he is, he was talking to her multiple times a week at the time (the 'bloods' we're all sorting out the special family holiday we're doing next year for PIL's wedding anniversary) so I he had plenty of chances to mention it - and I mentioned it to him often!

Hind-sight is a wonderful thing

TheBlairSnitchProject Wed 28-Oct-09 12:57:32

I just called him. He says he's rung her and she was OK about it.


Jux Wed 28-Oct-09 13:08:01

She doesn't sound cross at all; in fact, she sounds like she's quite OK about it all, but ust wants to hear from either your or DH so she knows for sure. Phone or e-mail but contact her quick otherwise you will be being rude and she will get peed off.

Have a lovely Xmas.

SCARYspicemonster Wed 28-Oct-09 13:11:18

Glad it's all resolved okay

TheBlairSnitchProject Wed 28-Oct-09 13:20:45

Thanks. It's probably just the hormones but the thought of having upset her really upset me this morning.

Jux Wed 28-Oct-09 13:24:56

Oh that is hormones. Don't worry about it. There are far worse things than refusing an invitation for Xmas in October you know.grin

TheBlairSnitchProject Wed 28-Oct-09 13:29:39

When you put it like that Jux...

I always feel like my relationship with the in-laws is a bit precarious and I can't bear the thought of toppling it. I always thought having in-laws would be like getting an extra bit of family but it's not been like that at all. BIL warned me that I would never feel accepted before DH and I were married. It's been 5 years now and it looks like he's right!

My family are all so far away so I don't want to rock the boat with the in-laws who are close.

theressomethingaboutmarie Wed 28-Oct-09 13:46:38

The 'Bloods vs. Outsiders' thing is horrendous btw.

TheBlairSnitchProject Wed 28-Oct-09 13:53:29

It's just the way things are. Always has been.

I always console myself with the fact that the outsiders generally win grin

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