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to really hate it when my sis bleets about how upset she is over our late step-nan? (sorry long)

(23 Posts)
sparkle09 Tue 27-Oct-09 22:57:42

the anniversary of my late step-nan is coming up and my younger sister, i feel, inappropriately gets upset and crys to anyone that will listen about how much she misses her.

ill give you some background, when i was 15 my mother kicked me out and i moved in with my dad and his dw, my mother cut all contact so i also lost contact with my sisters also. my step-mums family all took me in as there own and they all became my close family unit, including my step-mums mum who i became close too.

a few years later i regained contact with my mother and sisters and encouraged my mother to allow my sister to have contact with our dad. i was 18 at this point and my sister was 12.

my sister had limited contact with my dad and my step-mums family but she had met them on numerous times. and my sister did call my nan, "nan".

a year later nan became ill and was in hospital for a long time and sadly passed, the whole family was devestated as you can imagine.

i was 20 and my sister was 14 at this time. at the funeral my sister was sobbing loudly throughout and i could see some of the family were confused by this but i just put it down to her age.

that was 5 years ago, and my sister, until last year had never really mentioned anything about nan.

so then last year my sis had put on her facebook -"RIP nana, i will always love you and miss you" and it was on the wrong bloody day!! she was 2 days early,

alot of the family were very annoyed my the distasteful way she had done this.

well she is already starting with the sob stories to people as she got sent home from work today as she was too upset over the coming anniverary to be there!

im i wrong to be pissed off by her disrespect to other members of the family who had much stronger relationships with nan, than her? even i respect that i wasnt as close to her as her biological grandchildren and act accordinly.

flowerybeanbag Tue 27-Oct-09 23:03:48

Not sure I'm clear what she's done that's disrespectful tbh - is it just that she put her RIP message on 2 days prior to the anniversary? Do you not think her grief is genuine or something and she is using it to get sent home from work?

alwayslookingforanswers Tue 27-Oct-09 23:07:20

I'm not sure either.

I'm a bit confused about your "act accordingly" thing.

How does one act "accordingly" with grief

Northernlurker Tue 27-Oct-09 23:09:55

I think YOUR reaction is the distasteful one here. Exactly where do you get the authority to say that your sister shouldn't grieve in this way? How does it affect anybody but her? Ok so she put a message in her blithering facebook page about it - big deal! That doesn't detract from any grief anybody else is feeling, doesn't stop anybody else missing her as well. You should mind your own business and honour this lovely lady's memory by displaying some of the kindness and acceptance she obviously showed to you.

WartoScreamo Tue 27-Oct-09 23:15:48

I do understand what you mean. You think that your sister was not genuinely close to you nan, and is making a drama out of it for our own ends?

Sounds to me like attention seeking rather than grief. I know people like this.

But I guess there also might be valid reasons why she is like this that haven been addressed rather than just slate her a drama queen.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Tue 27-Oct-09 23:20:21

Can't say that i identify with it all, but I do kind of know what you are trying to say.

Perhaps she's mourning the loss of what might have been... you just see things as they actually are and are wondering why she is making so much fuss.

Perhaps your sister's age at the time has something to do with it.

DH has a cousin that rang and rang in floods to everyone and anyone daft enough to pick up the phone mourning a relative that she probably met twice.. or so.

FWIW, I do think perhaps the hystrionics your sister is having are a little U, but you are also B a little bit more U, in reacting to her the way you are. But you know that already don't you? smile

sparkle09 Tue 27-Oct-09 23:21:20

my sister hardly knew nan, she didnt bother going to see her in hospital before she passed, and other family members were quite annoyed by the comment on facebook last year, many of the family do believe that her grief isnt genuine.

i think she is always want to please our dad and stepmum that she has adopted this grief over the last year or so because our stepmum still has a strong grief for her mum. as its only been in the last 2 years that my sister has been closer to dad and stepmum.

but its rubbing people up the wrong way as people are wondering what gives her the right to act like this.

i dont know, im confused by this issue with her, as i want to stick up for her because she is my sister, but shes acting in a very public way over someone who she wasnt close too.

im sorry if im not making sense,

alwayslookingforanswers Tue 27-Oct-09 23:24:15

I was MUCH closer to my Granddad than I was my Uncle - I visited my Granddad regularly in the final years of his life, and yet only saw my Uncle 2 times at family funerals in the last 10yrs.

They've both passed away in recent years and I was much more upset about my Uncle dying than my Granddad. I don't know why, there is no explanation for it, just the way it happened.

edam Tue 27-Oct-09 23:27:12

She does seem to be milking it - getting sent home early, ffs? For something so terribly important to her that she even got the date wrong last year?

At 19, she should really have grown out of the teenage 'my life is so traumatic no-one could ever possibly understand the depth of my suffering' schtick.

flowerybeanbag Tue 27-Oct-09 23:28:55

I don't understand how people can be 'quite annoyed' about an RIP message like that. What's wrong with someone saying they will always love and miss someone? That couldn't be less offensive, surely

People may have an opinion about whether her grief is genuine, but why does it matter anyway? There's not a set amount of grief to go round so even if people for some reason think your sister's grief isn't genuine, it doesn't detract from their own in any way.

Why do people need to be given 'the right' to grieve for someone?

edam Tue 27-Oct-09 23:38:46

Perhaps it's the fact that she got the ruddy date wrong, indicating that it's not actual grief, more showing off?

BiteOfCock Tue 27-Oct-09 23:44:16

It does sound like there's a touch of teenage melodrama there, but perhaps she is hanging other emotions onto this loss and it's helping her work them out somehow?Whatever it is, I think other people in the family would do well to step back from their annoyance at her and get on with remembering your step-nan in the way they feel is appropriate. Nobody can take their feelings away from them.

sparkle09 Tue 27-Oct-09 23:48:53

edam and wartoscreamo - i think you had discribed my sister well, i do think its attention seeking.

wartoscreamo, we have tried to address issues with my sister but she is very resistant, and just flounces of to do what the hell she likes. she, in general doesnt really care how me or any other members of the family feel, x

edam Tue 27-Oct-09 23:53:29

Ah well, all you can do is hope that she'll have grown out of it in a few years. And Bite's right, while it may be very irritating, she's not really doing your step-nan any harm, is she? Let her get on with her teenage histrionics while you remember your step-nan in the way that feels right to you.

MrsFlittersnoop Wed 28-Oct-09 00:00:28

Presumably your sister felt a connection with your late step-nan which no-one else in the family shared or recognised.

She doesn't need your permission to have these feelings, nor do you have the "right" to say her grief is inappropriate.

Frankly, I'd just ignore it. Your sister is still very young and might have been deeply affected at a vulnerable time by her first experience of losing someone she liked a lot. Even if she didn't show it at the time.

skybright Wed 28-Oct-09 00:13:35

Was it her first experience (at an age that she can remember) of someone she knew passing away?

Poohbearsmom Wed 28-Oct-09 00:15:26

I think u may hav hit something wit ur step-mum still feeling the loss very much... It quite possibly is her immature way of building a bond with her thru her new found/delayed grief... And the posting two days early may hav bn jus to get n there b4 anyone else got da chance... Grief is strange tho, it can sometimes b other things n our lives that we r reacting to but thru the grieving of someone not really really close to us (if ya get what i mean) i used to work n a hosp n an oncology ward where alot of ppl passed away very regulary & we cud get quite close to them even n a short space of time & diff ppl cryed lots sometimes more then the immediate family were... Once i cryed buckets over a lady & it was a very sad case but it was really something n my own life which i had bn bottling up which came out at that moment... Do ya c wat im gettin at? Mayb all this is jus her way of tryin to reach out or connect wit da family?

womblingfree Wed 28-Oct-09 00:29:19

I can see where you're coming from, but given the background and your sister's age feel there are probably underlying issues as to why she's behaving like this and you need to cut her some slack.

My DH's nan passed away 18 months ago aged 89. We saw her regularly and if DH and his parents weren't around and she needed something doing or to be taken somewhere I'd help out. She was a fantastic woman and it was really special for me to have the relationship I had with her as I'd lost both my nan's by the age of 7.

I still miss her and get tearful about her not being here, which I suspect comes across as weird to DH's family who tend to be dominated by MIL's rather stiff-upper lip way of thinking, but my feelings are totally genuine. It may be that your sisters are too, albeit for different reasons that yours.

JodieO Wed 28-Oct-09 00:41:41

I think you're jealous of her. Why do you care what she's feeling? Is she hurting you? No? Let her get on with it; and, god forbid, be nice to her?

Shit world we live in when people can't even be helpful to each other.

Sharpyharpy Wed 28-Oct-09 09:30:10

To be honest sounds like a disfunctional family that has produced kids who just do not know ''how'' to feel - both you and your sister - the tone is very Jeremy Kyle

gorionine Wed 28-Oct-09 09:42:14

People do deal with grief in different ways. The fact that she is more "exuberrant" with her feelings does not mean they are less genuine and that she is acting up.

I am a grown up woman but I find it very difficult to deal with the death of people I love. I do cry for days(on and off) to get it out of my system. I do get very emotionnal as well arround anniversaries but thankfully, other family members are tactful enough,to not show if they get ennoyed by it.

sparkle09 Mon 09-Nov-09 00:41:17

just incase anyone is interested, the anniversary passed with no contact to me or my step-mum by my sister, so i guess she really isnt bothered by it all, she had been on facebook yesterday and had written something about how great her b/f is.

after i spoke with my step-mum today i called my sister and asked her why she hadnt at least txt our step-mum, just to say i love you, she replied that she just forgot! so i said you were upset about it the other day and she said she wasnt bothered! sad

i do hope she will come through this strange stage in her life as so my people are being hurt by her behaviour, my stepmum this evening has sent her a long email and i hope that what it may say will help her.

sorry rambling now.
just thought id let you know it developed.

bluenosebear Mon 09-Nov-09 10:53:38

OMG I so understand this. I was so close to my Nan, and sadly she died before I gave birth. She would have adored her GC. I helped to look after her in her last couple of years. She lived with Mum even tho Mum has a sister but she never helped at all. I stayed over so my Mum could have a break from constantly caring for her. Mum did ask my cousin (Mums sisters daughter) to help but she wanted PAYING! I loved that time I had with Nan, treating it as a girlie night in. When Nan was moved to hospital, I went in early to make sure she ate breakfast (staff encouraged me to do this as she needed constant supervision with food and it helped them too). I took time out of work to stay with her, helped choose her eventual nursing home, visited and even arranged her funeral at the end.

My cousin did sweet FA. Visited twice because she had to. At the funeral, she turned up looking like a god damn HOOKER. Short black skirt, patterend tights, spray tan, gold hoop earrings, stupidly low top etc. Then the drama started, huge wails of OTT grief and body wracking sobs. When she wasn't crying crocodile tears she was acting like she was at a party. All I can say is Drama Queen! She even had the gall to ask the day after when she was getting her inheritence. There wasn't any, it was eaten up by nursing home charges.

Sorry for the hijack but really, it sounds like you've got a similar drama queen on your hands, just ignore them they thrive on attention. I'm not trying to come across as though I've done so much more than my cousin (I did but...) just explaining that she really didn't care at all until the funeral. Families!

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