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Is this a shit parent in your opinion?

(34 Posts)
ElvesAnonymous Tue 27-Oct-09 19:03:54

If I was to tell you that I have a 16 year old son who was born with a disibility, as well as very limited sight and deafness and I sent him out an adoptive family as a little baby but still saw him once a week, would you think I was an absolutely shit parent that didn't deserve a child?

ZZZenAgain Tue 27-Oct-09 19:04:47

has someone been saying that to you?

daisyj Tue 27-Oct-09 19:06:56

No, I would think you were someone who didn't feel that they could give their son what they needed because they didn't feel able to cope for whatever reason (emotional or otherwise). I would think you had made an arrangement that would hopefully ensure that he wouldn't think you abandoned him or didn't love him and that you had clearly found (or had found for you) a special family who could put his and your needs before their own.

Why do you ask?

daisyj Tue 27-Oct-09 19:08:21

I've just read back my post. Bit convoluted, but what I meant was you clearly wanted the best for him and did what you could to achieve that.

myalias Tue 27-Oct-09 19:08:39

No I wouldn't - the fact that you are still in contact with your son is a sign that you are a caring parent.

RubysReturn Tue 27-Oct-09 19:13:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElvesAnonymous Tue 27-Oct-09 19:14:58

Thanks for your replies. I feel strongly about what Julia Hollander did to her child, Immy (on another thread) and that she is a very bad person, but she still sees her daughter so I am thinking I am a bad person like her and struggling to find any differences between the two of us.

postal Tue 27-Oct-09 19:21:44

the difference I expect is that you didn't whore your story out to as many media outlets as possible. Nor hawk your story round publishers all with an attempt to elicit primarily money and secondarily sympathy for a decision that is personal and not one that is taken lightly either.

personally I wouldn't consider someone who outsourced their child's care a parent at all - maybe an aunt or uncle

Jux Tue 27-Oct-09 19:21:47

I think that it's far more sensible to do that, than it would be to struggle with a child one couldn't cope with for whatever reason. I'd think, there but for the grace of god, go I.

Not everyone has the same strengths or weaknesses. I would imagine that you have many strengths I lack, and perhaps I have some that you lack.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 27-Oct-09 19:22:29

I don't think either of you are bad people. I can't begin to imagine what a hard decision that must have been.

saintmaybe Tue 27-Oct-09 19:25:35

Unless you've made a career hawking the story of your wonderful braveness in saving the perfect life you had, then I think there are some significant differences.

ElvesAnonymous Tue 27-Oct-09 19:27:20

Thank you all for your kind words, I feel much more positive.

Now I feel better about it, i'm going to put the kettle on and have a doughnut!

Cup of tea anyone?

saintmaybe Tue 27-Oct-09 19:38:32

How's he doing?

fandango75 Tue 27-Oct-09 19:42:01

i have nothing to add just really felt for you and as someone said its more about the media attention. You sound lovely

anonandlikeit Tue 27-Oct-09 19:57:04

I say never judge another until you have walked in their shoes, or however that saying goes.
NO i don't think you are a bad person, as a mother of a disabled child it is not something i can understand BUT as the others have said IMHO there is a difference between making that tough decision & making the decision & then publicising it for monitary gain.

lilyjen Tue 27-Oct-09 20:05:48

Awww..that's a sad post sad No you're not a shit parent because you have done that, from what you said there is no reason to think that at all smile Other things make people shit parents but we don't know what your reasons were but it would be a difficult decision you made i'm sure!

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar Tue 27-Oct-09 20:10:37

Not at all.

prettyfly1 Tue 27-Oct-09 20:11:03

No - and if this is coming from the thread at the weekend noone thinks that AT ALL. You couldnt cope and did the best thing for you both I am sure. There but for the grace of god go i.

5inthetomb Tue 27-Oct-09 20:13:15

Ditto what everyone else has said. Unless you've written a book and sold your story to all the trashy mags out there, you've done what you felt was best for your son.
How is he? Does he like your weekly visits?

ninah Tue 27-Oct-09 20:14:25

absolutely not, of course not, never

ocdgirl Tue 27-Oct-09 20:15:38

i don't think you are a shit parent, because of someone deciding they could not parent their child (for reasons i am not going into) i am able to be a mum to my son and i will never call his birth mother a shit mother !! without her i would never of had my beautiful little boy

cakeywakey Tue 27-Oct-09 20:15:43

No you are not a shit parent. Sometimes, doing the best thing for your children - and the family as a whole - means making some very hard decisions sad

Ronaldinhio Tue 27-Oct-09 20:16:42

in no way, of course I wouldn't Elves

thesecondcocking Tue 27-Oct-09 20:44:08

i think that the issues people had with the other woman were that she decided to make her living from and claims to speak for other parents of disabled children.
i am glad i have never been in the position you were with your son,if i was i would hope i made the best decision for that child based upon how we were coping/not coping and if that was the same decision you came to then i would be very upset if i were condemned for it by others.

StrictlyBoogying Tue 27-Oct-09 20:54:21

I'd think you were extremely brave

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