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*PIL*s and DC4 first or DH, you decide.

(30 Posts)
posieparksherbroom Tue 27-Oct-09 14:00:49

So DC4 is 1 next week. We have had a turbulent year in which we have been living day to day and managing debts by the skin of our teeth, have moved the DCs school and seen the household income slip to 25% of what it used to be. As a consequence Dh has barely taken any of his holiday and has 10 days left, most of which he will not take. DC1 & 2 (7 & 6) have inset days on Monday and Tuesday of next week and DC4 is one on Tuesday. Dh is having those days off. I have been planning a lovely couple of days outdoors and DC4s birthday tea for my dcs and cousins (only two of them) but one is at school that day and so leaves us free until 3.45pm.

Dh has, without asking, invited his DPs for the day. I loathe them with a passion, they are very unlike me and very very loud.

It will completely ruin my day but the older dcs will love it and PILs will frighten dc4 because they are very much in his face. FIL also likes to repeatedly do 'spitty' kisses on the dcs mouths which makes me want to throw up.

So AIBU because I'd rather they didn't come or is DH being unreasonable for ruining my our plans and inviting them?
They live too far for a fleeting visit.

CaresMildly Tue 27-Oct-09 14:07:00

For the spitty kisses reason alone YANBU!

diddl Tue 27-Oct-09 14:09:20

I think he should have asked you first.

That said, I also see that he feels it´s acceptable to invite his parents to his chilsd birthday.

Can you invite your parents also?

Of course, if you didn´t loathe them, you probably wouldn´t care!

TootaLaFruit Tue 27-Oct-09 14:12:16

YANBU. In your mind this was going to be a lovely family day with rare coinciding hols for DH and DCs, and now it's being hijacked by people you can't stand.

I'm guessing your DH can't un-invite them, so I kind of think it's his job to start some damage limitation NOW.

For instance, could he lie have a word with his parents about dc4 being quite a sensitive child and ask them not to be so loud and abrasive? Then at least maybe they'll tone it down a bit and won't get on your nerves so much.

As it's your dc4's special day, he deserves to be the centre of attention, so mention to the in-laws that giving the other kids 'spitty' kisses hmm and such gets them all hyperactive and they might overshadow dc4's day.

I feel bad for slating a man I don't know, but if your DH was mine I would be furious with him. He owes you big time.

diddl Tue 27-Oct-09 14:30:20

Did you particularly tell him not to invite his parents?

If so,YANBU?

Is it usual to invite parents?
If yes, YABU, if no, YANBU.

posieparksherbroom Tue 27-Oct-09 14:41:54

My parents live abroad and my mother is actually here for a birthday, for a change. As she is staying with my sister she will come to the party with my dcs only cousins.

sb6699 Tue 27-Oct-09 14:45:50

Sorry, YABU. It is okay for you to invite your parents but not okay for your DH to invite his.

It is the GC's first birthday. We all have to grin and bear the out-laws at certain times and am afraid birthdays (esp first ones) are one of them.

diddl Tue 27-Oct-09 14:49:36

Well, if he knew that your parents would be here, I´m not really surprised that he thought is was OK to invite his own parents!


bruffin Tue 27-Oct-09 14:57:03

It's your DC's special day not yours!

TootaLaFruit Tue 27-Oct-09 14:59:24

Ah. I didn't realise your mum was going to be there, as well as your sister. I'm afraid YABU - if the shoe was on the other foot and his parents were coming, yet he through a hissy fit when you invited yours, it would seem terribly unfair...

I still stand by my earlier suggestions of asking them to tone it down for the sake of your dc4's sake though. It's his birthday after all, not their chance to take centre stage.

schroeder Tue 27-Oct-09 15:03:51

Yabu. I can't stant the pils either but they're the dc's grandparents so of course they are involved.

PfftTheMagicDragon Tue 27-Oct-09 15:10:30

suck it up!

flowerybeanbag Tue 27-Oct-09 15:15:36

YABU. My PIL didn't come to DS's first birthday because they decided to book a holiday that week instead. I was angry as the very idea of them missing my niece's first birthday would have been laughable.

Particularly if your parents are coming, it's perfectly reasonable for your DH to invite his, however much they might irritate you.

Leeka Tue 27-Oct-09 15:16:22

Why not get him to ask them to come from 3.45 onwards, like the cousin, so it's a compromise of your quiet family time and they still get to see their GC on his birthday and do birthday tea, etc?

It's unfair of you to have double standards re his parents and your mum, even if you don't see her as much.

posieparksherbroom Tue 27-Oct-09 15:26:50

I realise I have double standards but I really do feel like stomping my feet and having a small tantrum as I know IABU, but I just can't help it!grin

My mother and sister are arriving at 3.45, PILs wouldn't even ask what time to arrive and if we suggested what time they'd be stroppy.

diddl Tue 27-Oct-09 15:32:34

Why on earth would PILs be "stroppy" if you suggested a time?
They are being invited to your house, so you can surely tell them when it is convenient to arrive?

posieparksherbroom Tue 27-Oct-09 15:37:41

Oh no, that's telling them! They never know when to leave either and are governed by how light the sky is (and driving home) so in the summer it's a nightmare. They like to arrive when they arrive.

CheerfulYank Tue 27-Oct-09 15:38:15

YABU as they are his parents and DCs grands, but YANBU to tell them a time so that your entire day is not spent with people you loathe. Good luck and happy birthday to your LO!

flowerybeanbag Tue 27-Oct-09 15:40:22

So if your DH tells them when's convenient to arrive and leave, what do they do, just flatly refuse? shock

diddl Tue 27-Oct-09 15:41:26

Well, then I suggest your husband has a word, or deals with them himself for the day.

posieparksherbroom Tue 27-Oct-09 15:43:36

When they arrived for the weekend before we had dcs they turned up on Thursday shock and stayed with the two cats and one dog they brought along, without asking, to our pet free home. When I asked them on Sunday afternoon when they were leaving as I was preparing dinner they got in a strop and did not speak to my DH for three weeks. I made them feel unwelcome, apparentlyhmmshockhmm

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller Tue 27-Oct-09 15:53:58

Sorry but YABU you invited your family so he can invite his, the fact you do not like them is nither here nor there, he might just grin and bare your family for your sake, how would you feel if it was the other way round?

Leeka Tue 27-Oct-09 15:59:38

Then get him to tell them you're all out until 3.30, so not to arrive before this ot they'll be sitting on the doorstep waiting! Definitely a fair compromise - and HE must do the telling, not you, if they're the stroppy variety of PIL.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Tue 27-Oct-09 17:12:11

Leeka, that's exactly what I was going to suggest!

NanaNina Tue 27-Oct-09 18:55:00

Why do so many of you young mothers on MN think that the maternal GPs are more important than the paternal GPs. OK so you don'tlike them but they ARE your children's grandparents and you actually say that your older children will love having them around. You say your mother and sister are arriving in the late afternoon and are happy with that, but is that because they live nearer to you and that fits in OK. You say your PILS live toofar away for a fleeting visit, so maybe that's why a late afternoon visit wouldn't fit.

I hope that some of you mothers of sons realise that you will in all probability be paternal grandparents yourself one day and you may not like it at all when your dils favour their own parents over you!

Oh and presumably the kids don't mind the "spitty" kisses or they would say so. Yes it sounds grim but ther are probably things about you that your PILs find irritating.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you do tend to see things differently when you are a paternal GP although I am very lucky as I have no problems seeing my GC and get along well with my dils.

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