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AIBU?

to want to get married partner wants to save for a few more years to buy a house

24 replies

loveme · 27/10/2009 08:34

have been engaged for 4 years partner has said he wants to get married but we need to save and put a deposit on a house first he feels this is more important im upset slightly and im being unresponible. he said we will get married and when we do we can do want WE really want.

OP posts:

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diddl · 27/10/2009 08:35

Haven´t you been saving since you were engaged?

curiositykilled · 27/10/2009 08:36

Why can't you do both? Registry office only cost us about £40

Or do you mean that you want a wedding rather than to get married?

FlamingoBingo · 27/10/2009 08:36

Why don't you just have a registry office wedding if getting married is important but you don't want to spend a lot of money on it?

PoisonToadstool · 27/10/2009 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABatDead · 27/10/2009 08:39

loveme - we have been married 20 years and never owned a house. One surely does not depend on the other.

House prices are not yet going up (despite wat the headlines say) and yu can save after you are married and save a bit more money and in teh meantime live in a nice rented house. Rents are still falling too.

itchyandscratchy · 27/10/2009 08:40

depends what sort of wedding you want. If you want one that is any more than register office and lunch afterwards then maybe your bf is right.

I spent the day yesterday with a good friend of mine who spent all her and her fiance's savings on a huge wedding last year. They already have a house with a massive mortgage. She got pg straight away, unexpectedly and now cannot afford to go back to work part-time or take extended mat leave as they would not be able to cover the mortgage repayments. She is absolutely gutted.

Not the same situation as yours, I know, but money is very tight for many at the moment and having a secure future maybe means different things to you and your dp: for you it's marriage and for him it's the financial security of property. It's not like he's saying he doesn't want a future for you both.

If being married means so much, would you settle for a very small wedding?

diddl · 27/10/2009 08:40

I personally think 1,000s on a wedding is too much regardless of if you´re saving for something else.

Firawla · 27/10/2009 08:41

get married cheaply if you would like to get married asap rather than putting it off. i agree with you its better to get married now than put it off for years more while saving, but will be silly to waste alot of money

diddl · 27/10/2009 08:46

loveme

Where do you live at the moment?

It can be hard to save while renting.

But weddings don´t have to cost the earth-either in a church or at a registry office.

morningpaper · 27/10/2009 08:49

Cost us £600 to get married with a big do and everything from Ebay - you can do it cheaply. Basically, if you can't afford it, then it's mad to spend money on it.

MmeGoblindt · 27/10/2009 08:50

Do you want a wedding?

Or to be married?

loveme · 27/10/2009 08:51

We have two young children im currently not working he pays for everything and im going back to college we he will support and I will get a part time job till next year when im qualified., we live in rented accomadation and its very cheap compared to a mortgage we have been together for a long time and I do want a nice wedding its hard I admit everyone is getting married around me and have been together for 5 mins and im slightly resentful but happy for them ,when we do get married it wont be thousands I dont see the point.
We need to get a three bedroom in the future becuase we have a boy and girl .

OP posts:

mankyscotslass · 27/10/2009 08:52

This is the second time you have posted about getting married/having a wedding isn't it?

I think it comes down to what you want as a couple.

Do you want to get married or do you want to have a wedding? Very different imo.

And does he really want to get married at all? Is he using money as an excuse?

I agree if you want to get on the housing ladder a deposit is important, but as I said on your other post, you could just go to a registry office and get married with 2 witnesses from the street if you wanted, and being married was important to you both.

loveme · 27/10/2009 08:55

Sorry I want to be married to him and thats why im not worried about a big wedding happy to do ro and meal.

OP posts:

fluffles · 27/10/2009 09:02

you could get married now in a registry office and have a big big party once you've bought your house?

MmeGoblindt · 27/10/2009 09:14

You need to talk to him and find out if he wants to get married or not.

If he does not want to then he should tell you and stop making excuses about waiting until you have saved the deposit for the house.

mankyscotslass · 27/10/2009 09:17

MMeGoblindt has said what I was trying to say but couldn't phrase nicely.

Essentially a wedding licence does not cost much, and if all you want is to get married then that and the cost of two cheap rings is all you need.

It sound like he is stalling, sorry.

ABatDead · 27/10/2009 09:29

Just thinking about the economics.

The average UK house costs £200k. A wedding for £2000 would be still very nice if you did it as fluffles suggests. That is 1% of the value of the house.

Surely that would only mean waiting an extra year to buy a house and give you more time to look?

Tend to agre with others - this is not really about the money.

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 27/10/2009 09:38

Yeah if he's stalling, FGS don't buy a house with him....

sayithowitis · 27/10/2009 10:43

I tend to agree with those who say he is stalling. When I first read the OP, I thought you were writing as someone who was possibly still living at home with parents, not someone who is already living together with partner and their children.

If he really wants to buy a house, I think that it should have been possible to make significant headway towards a deposit during the four years you have already been engaged. Since he was clearly happy for you to go ahead and have children together without either being arried or having your own home, I personally think that the 'engagement' and talk of marriage at some point in the future, are designed to keep you happy whilst he actually has no intention of doing the wedding, and possibly not buying a house either.

As others have said, a wedding needn't be expensive. You have already said that you don't need to have a big 'do', just to be married. I don't believe his reasons. Sorry. for you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/10/2009 12:22

being engaged for 4years and no date set sounds to me that he doesnt want to get married

when/why did he propose?

weddings dont have to be lots of money

i do feel that renting is dead money so if you can save for a deposit and buy a house then you should get married cheaply and buy a house

have you not been saving the past 4 years?

2rebecca · 27/10/2009 13:20

I would never get engaged without having wedding date in mind. Long engagements make the whole being engaged thing totally pointless. I think people who hang about for over a year are either indecisive or very bridezillaish about perfect weddings.

If you're saving for a deposit a lavish wedding seems OTT but then I think lavish weddings are usually a waste of money. How about something cheap and low key? Just close relatives, a few friends and all go out to a nice restaurant after the reg office?
I wouldn't buy a house with a man I wasn't married to for legal reasons.

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2rebecca · 27/10/2009 13:20

I would never get engaged without having wedding date in mind. Long engagements make the whole being engaged thing totally pointless. I think people who hang about for over a year are either indecisive or very bridezillaish about perfect weddings.

If you're saving for a deposit a lavish wedding seems OTT but then I think lavish weddings are usually a waste of money. How about something cheap and low key? Just close relatives, a few friends and all go out to a nice restaurant after the reg office?
I wouldn't buy a house with a man I wasn't married to for legal reasons.

posieparksherbroom · 27/10/2009 13:24

Isn't it more about the deposit than the whole value of a house. £2000 pounds as part of 20% (with an 80% mortgage) could be as much as 10% of the deposit. I had a very cheap wedding just to get married, reg office, monsoon dress and 4 guests other than my dcs and DH (oh and I was 39weeks pg!). We plan to have a real wedding in the future when we can afford it, I have my real dress upstairs.

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