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to be upset with almost X DP??

(27 Posts)
bastardingmen Tue 27-Oct-09 07:45:49

Difficult one this and am prepared to be told IABU (regular BTW name changed for this)!
After a horrible marriage and split from an abusive XH, caught up with an old friend and got together in Jan!
He seemed lovely, kind, loving, generous, lovely to my DC In fact he is all of those things!
But it didnt feel right to me, maybe not ready after ex, maybe he wasnt the one I dont know!

So last week, I gently broke it off with him, he was gutted, and has been telling me how much he loves me, and my girls, will wait for me however long it takes me to get my head straight and decide what I want, that we are best friends, all in a very nice kind way, no pressure!
In fact he has been so lovely I was doubting my decision....
All this by email and MSN as he works away in a fairly inaccessible place!

So last night after we signed off, I snooped blush...ok ok I know I shouldnt have but well I guess I was curious, wanted to know if he had spoken to his friends...
I know his passowrds, he told me them, so I logged into his hotmail (yes yes I know).....

To discover.......4 hours after I sent him the initial email telling him I wasnt sure I was ready for a relationship, he reactivated his account on some slagwhore sex website!!!
And has been messaging loads of semi naked women who are clearly after one thing only!!

In fact while he was chatting to me, he was online browsing naked tarts....and when I signed off to go to bed amidst his protestations of love and waiting for me and missing me...he messaged about 10 women, saying they looked hot/would like to chat/would like a night out!!!

Am really not all that upset, guess it just confirms I made the right decision, but christ!!!! Is this how he waits for me, I was actually wavering, I genuinely thought he was a good one!!

Bah!! Ok so I know I was totally BU to snoop, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed that this is how much he loves me and is waiting for me.....I had indicated that maybe I had been too hasty and he was planning to come down in Dec to talk!!!

ParanoidAtAllTimes Tue 27-Oct-09 08:49:23

Hmm, tricky one...

If he's really upset perhaps it's his way of coping? Back on the bike and all that? Although he's moving on a bit blimin fast!
I would still meet with him though, otherwise you'll always be wondering if you made the right decision.

stressed2007 Tue 27-Oct-09 08:52:49

I think the majority (not all) of men are the same when it comes to porn. Is this a meet a women site or just a have a look at naughty photos one? If the former I think you should do better

duelingFANGo Tue 27-Oct-09 08:54:58

you used his password to gain access to his e-mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you've both probably had a lucky escape.

YABU to be upset with him. How are you going to maintain being best friends now?

Lavenderfleurs Tue 27-Oct-09 08:57:22

Totally out of order to log onto his email accounts, I am surprised you even have to ask.

Quite a few people deal with break ups like this to deal with the hurt, usually not very emotionally healthy people tbh so you have probably had a lucky escape.

I will be flamed for this but imvho this kind of behaviour is so common as to be expected with the majority of men. Sorry but its true.

The fact that he was doing it WHILE you were talking would put paid to any planned meeting to talk things through. You are well out of it but don't be too hurt or think it relates to you, it doesn't its just what a lot of men do. Faithful men are in the minority.

stressed2007 Tue 27-Oct-09 09:07:17

Totally agree with above poster.

Try and find another (better) man!

FlamingoBingo Tue 27-Oct-09 09:10:48

Surely that's illegal, much as opening someone else's post is? YABVVVVU to snoop.

However, as you have snooped, if I were you I'd just feel like you do - happy I found out. If you're unhappy being with a man who does that, then you're unhappy and kind of deserve to know so it doesn't get found out when it's too late and your in too deep.

Don't snoop again though - horrific behaviour! As bad as his, if not worse, actually! I think he's had a lucky escape.

bastardingmen Tue 27-Oct-09 09:13:03

Thats depressing Lavender
Thing is I know he has been on these kind of websites in the past(its definitely a meet women one, but FFS they are all half naked with slut names yuk its foul), he told me that he had but hadnt for years!

If he was lonely/upset and wanted to talk - he has loads of mates online and IRL...his messages are all very "hiya hon, you look hot, how are you, a night out with you would be fun" <<<boak>>> Its clearly a sex website

This is the man that seemed happy to sit in my living room watching TV almost every night,good sex life but never pressured me, seemed normal and kind, yes he does have some past issues (dont we all)!

Yes I know I didnt want him, but he is still madly professing his love and waiting for me, IMO this isnt waiting, its looking for an alternative pretty darn quickly !!

Oh I know IABU for looking at his email, totally and utterly, no defense, I clearly have issues too from my lying cheating abusive ex!!

Ho hum, I give up you know its much too hard

bastardingmen Tue 27-Oct-09 09:18:09

I have a problem now though, we have been chatting still, friendly and he has been wanting to come down in Dec to talk things through
I dont much want to talk to him at all now.....what do I say though, sorry "hon" maybe you should meet up with one of those slags on tagged rather than me, am sure you'll have so much fun !!

I cant really tell him why I am totally off now without admitting what I did which I dont really want to

I know totally that looking at his email was crap, I do know that, he gave me his passowrds totally openly, cant remember why think I was checking something for him, he said and I quote "I have nothing to hide"!

stressed2007 Tue 27-Oct-09 09:21:36

I clearly have issues too from my lying cheating abusive ex

Whatever posters on here say many many women would have done the same as you (particularly if they have been cheated on before). Don't beat yourself up.....you had a narrow escape from what was possibly a complete waste of your time. Move on and hope you find better next time.

Lavenderfleurs Tue 27-Oct-09 09:23:30

You didn't want him in the first place, thats why you were finishing it. Nothing has changed because you found this out. Just tell him no, you've made up your mind. You said in your first post that he was gutted, well he clearly wasn't was he? Honestly you owe this man nothing in light of what you found out.

Oh btw while I know it was wrong and totally out of order to snoop through his email I probably would have done it too, especially if he had given me the passwords himself.

Lavenderfleurs Tue 27-Oct-09 09:24:45

stressed2007, think we are very much on the same page here grin.

stressed2007 Tue 27-Oct-09 09:25:08

"I know totally that looking at his email was crap, I do know that, he gave me his passowrds totally openly, cant remember why think I was checking something for him, he said and I quote "I have nothing to hide!"

Depressing. So many men are the same.

That quote sounds like a soundbite form Maury (if you know what that is)

bastardingmen Tue 27-Oct-09 09:29:26

Thing is you know he hasnt actually done anything "wrong", and logically I can see that!
I dumped him, he looked elsewhere, he hadnt looked at anything at all prior, I can see when he reactivated his account, and it was a few hours after I sent him "the email",and he hadnt been on it for years, there is nothing AT ALL suspicious prior to that!
So strictly its not actually cheating at all!

It just makes me so , that I sign off to go to bed, he says I love you I miss you, I wont pressure you, I can wait till you know what you want blah blah blah, and within minutes he is on there chatting up semi naked tarts

stressed2007 Tue 27-Oct-09 09:34:49

mm.. when you put it like that it doesn't seem that bad. It is just like chatting up sexy girls - a bit like watching porn I suppose. Has he ever actually met women this way before? Even if he has as you said you had given him the push so if he had n't been on site before you did that I am thinking this is maybe not that bad now.

bastardingmen Tue 27-Oct-09 09:38:59

The website is foul though, really tarty clearly just wanting sex/sugar daddy, and his messages are foul too, just a scattergun approach hoping someone will respond

I am disappointed, it seems so unlike him, though he is desperate to be loved I think, he is so kind and generous and a bit naive, I think he will get eaten up, taken advantage and spat out by these slags

There is no way I would/could go back to him now, dont even know how to talk to him at all

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 27-Oct-09 09:40:52

I have another perspective. Yes, the semi naked women thing is yuk. The messages sound very yuk. Snooping was very low, but hey, I've done it. (found nothing thank god) buuuuuut I highly doubt he has any intention of meeting any of these women, ever. It's just wank fodder for most men, my friend's DH does it, she thinks it's very sad, she hacks his emails too and sees it never ever goes anywhere. Would you have been upset if he had got off the phone to you and gone to read a jazz mag? Would that have belied his protestations of love? Cos I bet these sites are exactly the same.

However....flicking through the sites whilst MSNing you telling you how much he missed you...that's just tacky!

bastardingmen Tue 27-Oct-09 09:45:03

I will never be second place again, I will never put up with something that makes me uncomfortable again....
I am sad and I shouldnt have snooped, but at least I know my original decision was the right one

curiositykilled Tue 27-Oct-09 09:47:56

In my mind the 'madly professing' love and the looking at a meet up website at the first sign of failure means he is emotionally precarious and you're well out of it.

LittleWhiteWereWolf Tue 27-Oct-09 10:44:48

I think you've had a good escape here.
I may have once said YABU to have pried, but at the moment seeing my mums experience of a lying cad (dad) and having to snoop to find the truth due to his constant lies, I say YANBU.

Morloth Tue 27-Oct-09 10:57:58

I think you have gotten exactly what you deserved. Reading someone else's private email after you have dumped them?!

If you were in a relationship still and thought he was up to no good, well then maybe but you had no right, none at all.

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller Tue 27-Oct-09 11:10:41

A you are better off with out this one
B serves you right for looking

TheDevilEatsBabies Tue 27-Oct-09 11:15:22

if he gave you his passwords because he had nothing to hide, maybe this was his way of retaliating?
he deliberately set this all up because he hoped you would be spying?

either in anger or desperation, i don't know, but it looks from the outside like he meant you to see this, to see that you had hurt him.

i don't know if anyone would agree with me, but he knew you knew his passwords: that doesn't sound like the kind of thing a person would do if they knew you could access it.

he wanted you to see it.

Morloth Tue 27-Oct-09 11:18:05

Or maybe he assumed that as they were no longer a couple that OP would be an adult and understand that her "privileges" to his private life were no longer valid?

SolidGhoulBrass Tue 27-Oct-09 11:19:46

FFS you have dumped him so he is entitled to have sex with whoever he wants to have sex with. And your nasty judgmental attitude towards women who like casual sex (and your lack of guilt about snooping another person's private correspondence) suggests that you and him wouldn't have made each other happy anyway.

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