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to not want DH's relative to broadcast my pregnancy on FB?

(21 Posts)
QueenNeurosis Mon 26-Oct-09 13:33:12

Probably... sodding hormones but here goes...

I'm due in a week - could put latest irritation down to hormones but this has bugged me throughout my pregnancy.

My husband has a relative who lives in Oz. I've met her about twice, three times and she is lovely but I can't say DH or I know her very well or are in close contact. She added me on FB a few years ago and I accepted her because I am friends with DH (obviously) and his cousins, family friends etc and I didn't want to upset her by ignoring her. I have chosen not have any personal info on FB at all - no photos, personal details etc and I don't have a wall. I mainly use it to keep in touch with my own family and old friends who are scattered across the UK via private message eetc.

I do not mention my pregnancy on FB - it being a public forum and all and every single one of my own family and friends respects this. However every time I write a status update she will comment on it, relating it to the pregnancy so I immediately delete it. I can't block her from doing this! Grrr!

Also - my MIL doesn't know the gender of the bbaby - I don't care if people know really but out of respect for her wishes we're not telling his side of the family other than FIL who does want to know. Relative emailed me to ask the gender. I said we weren't saying and explained why. She then proceeded to ring other members of the family to ask if they knew... We also get a lot of emails referring to her dc and our baby to be being cousins.... which they won't be.

Anyway, today I logged onto FB to find that she had tagged me in a series of photos at a family wedding last weekend for which she came over to the UK. I'm not massively vain or anything (although I am massive!) but I, I think understandably, don't feel that great at the moment and HATE having my photo taken at the best of times. At the time I asked her not to take any photos but she said they were to show to other family in Oz who couldn't come for the wedding. I've untagged myself but I've already had emails from people commenting on the pictures and they're still out there in the ether!

Have told MIL how I feel as it's her cousin and she, totally understood but defended her coousin (which I think she should do, to an extent) but she said that she feels isolated and wants to get involved. This may well be tthe case but do her wishes really have to come before mine when I'm the one having the baby?

Thanks - sounds very trivial now I've read it back but I hate FB and think other people should be able to respect that not everybody wants to share absolutely everything as she does!

FangsForTheMemories Mon 26-Oct-09 13:35:36

The answer is simple. Just remove her from your friends list. She obviously has very little regard for your feelings or wishes, so why should you concern yourself with hers?

QueenNeurosis Mon 26-Oct-09 13:36:28

Sorry about length and typos!

FangsForTheMemories Mon 26-Oct-09 13:38:05

Don't worryl. i alwayss havewq typoeis tooooo. grin

IControlSandwichMonkey Mon 26-Oct-09 13:38:11

Remove her from your friends list. Make your profile hidden and she will no longer be able to see or find you.

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup Mon 26-Oct-09 13:39:20

you can amend your privacy settings so that she can't see your status updates if that helps. I have done that to people who commented pointlessly on every single thing I wrote before (my mother, namely!)

I do think you're being a little unreasonable though, I thought you were going to say she'd announced your pregnancy to everybody before you'd told people or something! She's not really doing anything wrong, but she does sound fairly annoying.

Stigaloid Mon 26-Oct-09 13:40:02

Disable your FB account. Problem solved. Email your other relatives and don't go near FB.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 26-Oct-09 13:43:47

YANBU, but to be fair, you don't use FB like most people do, (no photos etc) so it's not hard to imagine that she didn't realise she was pissing you off. Why do you use FB rather than email? If you find it easier then just limit what she can see of your page or defriend her and block her, and say you have left FB, but be careful not to post on mutual friends' walls cos you'll be visible then.

QueenNeurosis Mon 26-Oct-09 13:47:52

Oooh didn't think I could block only certain people from commenting on status. Haven't found it so far.

Apologies for misleading thread title - changed what I was going to write mid-sentence and forgot to amend. She did announce another family member's pregancy though and got a telling off from MIL.

Just know that if I delete her she'll ask other relatives if I'm still friends with them and she'll be so upset.

Don't want to leave FB - even though I hate it - as find it really useful for keeping in touch with groups of friends such as a friend who is travelling - about 6 of us have a private thread we post on. I'll probably do the same with a group of colleagues when I'm on leave and I'd hate to stop something so convenient just because of her.

Lexilicious Mon 26-Oct-09 13:50:55

another thing about "email" through facebook is that the words you use in those messages are used to target the advertising down the side of the page. Not that facebook would ever hmm sell your private messages to advertisers or anything... [goes off to check user terms and conditions...]

thehairybabysmum Mon 26-Oct-09 13:51:06

As others said delete her as a FB friend or amend your settings and as kat says why not just email if this is the only FB function you want, especially as you hate FB...why be on it then???

TBH you do sound neurotic and a bit unkind (eg not telling her babys sex when you have told other people??), she just sounds excited for you and the arrival of a new baby.

QueenNeurosis Mon 26-Oct-09 13:58:04

The Hairy Baby's Mum... As I have previously explained I really don't mind if she knows - would prefer it actually as I keep on slipping up with pronouns! But my MIL doesn't want to know, they're cousins and she's asked that it's not known on her side of the family as FIL is desperate to know. She's going to be the Granny and I don't know this woman particularly well. She's also really indiscreet.

I like being able to join in with conversations with groups of friends. I find that people don't tend to use email in this way anymore.

QueenNeurosis Mon 26-Oct-09 13:59:43

Sorry - muddled myself there - FIL knows because he was desperate to know and MIL didn't want to stop him from finding out. It's a minefield, I tell you!

anonymous85 Mon 26-Oct-09 14:11:26

Have you told her how conservitive you are about facebook - most people would openly talk about their pregnancy. She's probably wanting to show excitment for you. Maybe just send her a nice message explaining how you like to keep thing private. Also you can change setting on tagged photos so only you can see them incase someone else does this again. I'd just have a friendly word, she's probably wonder how come you're not talking about your up and coming baby.

QueenNeurosis Mon 26-Oct-09 14:19:59

After she announced DH's cousin's pregnancy she had a stern talking to from MIL. She upset a lot of people. I have discussed my feelings about FB with her - she's really into IT - and she said she totally agreed with me. We also have had a few problems of which she is aware so she knows we're trying to keep things low-key. My family is very different, though - don't think I've been contacted by any of my extended family although I know they still care and are excited for me.

Perhaps this is all just a bit new for me. Everyone just gets on with their own thing within my family and circle of friends. Have found it really odd to have people take a big interest in my life unless they're actually, physically part of my life IYKWIM. My mum said you become public property when you're preggers, eh?

Thanks for all the replies.

BLeedINGandLovingit Mon 26-Oct-09 14:30:23

While I have absolute sympathy for your feelings re this woman and how she uses facebook, I think that she clearly doesn't mean to be inappropriate. You don't use facebook the way most people do, so it's not surprising that you're finding it difficult. Most people would consider it completely normal to have at least some reference to your pregnancy on facebook and she probably can't understand why you feel differently.

I try to take the approach that if something could have happened in RL before facebook, I can't complain. eg of course there were people who made inappropriate comments about a person's pregnancy, and even worse, half the time you didn't know or see what they were doing.

On the photos, that's always a little trickier. Again, there was nothing in the "old days" to stop people making copies of photos and sending them to all and sundry, but it does seem a little stressful to have your photo all over te internet. I think you're well within your rights to untag yourse (my personal pet hate is people who tag ME in MY photos!) but think for the rest you might just have to let it go.

And on the "cousins" thing - I'm not sure what your actual relationship to her is, but in our extended family anything that's even vaguelly unclear we go with "cousins" to refer to other members of the family, even though they're technically nothing of the sort.

QueenNeurosis Mon 26-Oct-09 14:37:08

Thanks Bleedingandlovingit. Do hate knowing that that there are pictures of me out there and that the knowledge that there's not one thing anyone can do to retrieve them once they're public. I'd never publically publish pictures of anybody else.

This woman is my MIL's cousin. She is really lovely- I just don't know her!

Thanks again - wise words. Think I am putting things into perspective.

Vivia Mon 26-Oct-09 15:12:09

If you delete her, she won't be told that you have deleted her, you'll just disappear from her list. Then, make your page private. That way she won't be able to find or follow you and you won't explicitly offend her either.

thehairybabysmum Mon 26-Oct-09 15:35:08

I think that as you say you just do things differently on your side of family. She does genuinely sound excited for you, though she is obviously swamping you.

re the gender...if you explained to her that soem people know and some dont then no wonder she is confused. If there is ever a next time might be easiest just to say we havent found out or at least tell everyone the same thing!

re the photo thing, de tag yourself i guess and try not to worry about it...it is no different than someone seeing you in 'actual' photos passed round at work or friends as per the 'old days'. Try not to think about it.

Anyway enjoy your last few days of pregnancy and hope all goes well for you with birth and baby smile.

ps...am a bit neurotic myself wasnt meant to be a dig in previous post.

tabouleh Mon 26-Oct-09 15:39:23

I recommend - 10 Privacy Settings Every Facebook User Should Know

FfreckleFface Mon 26-Oct-09 15:53:22

If she is as lovely as you keep saying, just send her a private message on FB explaining everything you have here. People do use FB in different ways - I tend not to use it to vent, rant, or tell the world how I'm feeling, and got quite angry when Bloke was away playing soldiers and various aquaintances commented on every status update to ask about him and where he was.

But it is public - nothing I could do.

Good luck with the new baby!

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