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to be annoyed with my mum and to have told her? I feel she ruined my dd's birthday party for me!

(11 Posts)
onthepier Sun 25-Oct-09 17:49:29

I recently put on a birthday party for my dd at a soft play centre. I thought it went very well, and they all seemed to enjoy it!

I was also pleased when two parents decided to stay as we don't all get to chat properly often. My mum stayed too so we all settled down with our coffees. Well, from the word go my mum made me feel nothing less than embarrassed!

She kept commenting on the noise and behaviour of the kids, (surely you'd expect noise in soft play?)hmm She then mentioned my dd's best friend, (who didn't have a parent there luckily), and said she wishes my dd would find a different friend. Her friend can be boisterous, but she's a nice girl too, who I feel draws my dd out of herself.

She then got on to my ds, (there are a few problems with his development, he's coming up to 4 years old and myself and dh have done well to get him extra help at nursery). She kept on though, saying how worried she is and that I should push for more one-to-one help whereas I'm very grateful to the nursery for what they're already doing!

While the children were eating my mum didn't let up, "She didn't say thank you, look at the way he's eating that cake, what a mess!" Despite my efforts to resume conversation with the other mums, my mum then started about dd's eating. She does eat quite well, but she's fussy which I'm well aware of! From what my mum was saying though, I feel my friends got the impression she has a terrible diet, I do my best with her but my mum was negative, negative, negative!

Even when the party organiser told me she needed all the children upstairs for a game, mum was straight in there behind me, "Oh I'll get the children, I'm in charge now!", rolling her eyes at my friends as though I was incapable!

Was I being unreasonable to have words with her after the party? Apparently she's been in tears over the weekend saying I've been awful to her, and wishes she hadn't put so much effort into dd's presents as I'm obviously ungrateful, hmm The presents were lovely btw and she was thanked, just a shame about the way she conducted herself on dd's special day!

RubyBooBerry Sun 25-Oct-09 17:50:51

Did the other parents leave their kids and go off?

DailyMailNameChanger Sun 25-Oct-09 17:55:29

No, YANBU. That is the kind of thing that people say "with friends like you..." about. I am quite sure that she has no idea what she is doing but she does need to start realising!

wilkos Sun 25-Oct-09 17:55:43

No not unreasonable at all...that is unless you thumped her, in which case that might be going a bit far!

But she was maybe feeling a bit awkward around your friends and couldnt think of anything else to talk about, and unfortunately she ended up moaning a lot.

Has she don this before? Maybe her "oh my daughter is so incapable" chat is her fall back mechanism when shes feeling uncomfortable and she doesnt really mean it at all?

onthepier Sun 25-Oct-09 17:56:00

Yes they did as the children are now in the juniors at primary school, that much older. Just as well they did really, the way my mum was!

Her grandchildren mean everything to her btw, I think she just forgets that I'm their mum and she's the grandparent!

helpYOUiWILL Sun 25-Oct-09 17:56:37

no, good for you. At least she knows that she overstepped the mark and hopefully wont do it again. Others on here may disagree but if it upset you then you need to deal with it (which you have by speaking to her) and not let it fester.

My own mother is the same and i get SO embarrased that i have stopped inviting them to certain events (i.e school plays). At my sons party my mum would act "In charge" and so i now give her something specific to do eg cut the birthday cake, that way she has a "job" and is out of my hair! I think with my mum its the fact that she isnt the most important alpha female there and so she doesnt know where she "belongs" or how to act.

Also the presents were for your dd and so the effort should have been put in what ever the relationship is with the parents.

Marioandluigi Sun 25-Oct-09 18:15:05

YANBU - It sounds like her pride has been hurt and so she is going a bit OTT.

She will get over it!

morningpaper Sun 25-Oct-09 18:19:08

she sounds awful

You will probably have to suck it up and not let her mix with your friends...

mummyloveslucy Sun 25-Oct-09 18:47:02

Well done for standing up to her and telling her how you felt about it.
My mum can be a bit like this but she'll whisper quietly to me "What is that child wearing!!" etc.
My mum can be quite outspoken and is of a dominant nature, where as I'm quite shy. I have learned to stand up to her now, and although she didn't like it at first, we now have a much closer relationship. smile

onthepier Sun 25-Oct-09 18:56:12

WILKOS, you're right, in situations where she doesn't know people that well and prob doesn't feel she has a "role", she tends to default to criticising me unfortunately!

At my ds's birthday a few years ago I had everybody round, put on a lovely spread and everybody enjoyed it except for my mum. She was constantly nitpicking, irritated about the amount of toys in every room, the fact the bathroom looked cluttered, too much stuff in the porch, etc. She didn't once mention what a nice party it was and it did upset me!

It tends to be on special occasions that she does this and I need to be firmer with her or not invite her. She can be a bit "passive aggressive" though, keep pick pick pick and when I've finally had enough and tell her, she makes out it's me with the problem and laughs things off as a "joke"hmm

MmeGoblindt Sun 25-Oct-09 19:00:36

YANBU but it might have been better to wait a day or two until you had a word with her. She probably felt that she did so much for you and got no thanks, just criticism.

Does she find it difficult to accept criticism?

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