to feel sad when dh feels i need to loose weight

[basl]

i have struggled with my weight for many years and fluctated from being slim to few stones over weight. My dh let the cat out of the bag that he feels sad that i have let mystelf go. He said it in the best way but it feel shit now.

[famishedass]

You haven't let yourself go. You've put on weight, there is a difference.

Are you feeling a bit sensitive about your weight gain at the moment?

[LadyEvenstarsCauldren]

Basl tell him to fook off......is he perfect ffs men like this need a boot up the backside!

[carriedababi]

ask him where his 6 pack is ?

maybe he could do with some plastic surgery?

fecking git

[hanaboo]

yanbu, i would feel sad about that too, i also fluctuate from a size 8 to a size 14/16 i have clothes in every size... my dp always tells me if i'm 'getting there' meaning, just don't put on any more

i just have to think well, maybe its time to make an effort, not so much for him, though i feel nice if he thinks i'm sexy, but for me cos i feel shit if i don't fit clothes properly

don't let it get u down though

[basl]

i have let myself go in a way. I have not had my hair cut for an age and i drag anything out of the wardrobe. My dh is so hard working and hands on with kids but i keep telling him i feel a bit down but he keeps saying oh come on snap out of it. He is a healthy guy who drinks a little but lives well and since my ds i am struggling.

[LadyEvenstarsCauldren]

lol have I got the only DP who tells me NOT to lose weight? he loves me as I am, and loved me when I was a 16 in clothes just as much as he does now I am a 12...

[artlesschaos]

Well DP and I had a horrendous row tonight (long, boring story) and he ended up telling me I'm shit in bed. To make matters worse he said "oh come on! Hasn't any bloke ever told you that before?"
I'm gutted. Have two very young kids with this man. In all the rows we've had I've never been personal with him.
I wish he'd just said I'd let myself go a bit...which I have as well.

[LadyEvenstarsCauldren]

Artless, tell him to go and do one!

[stuffitllllama]

Hello basl it sounds like not necessarily a weight issue to me, more of a confidence issue. It sounds as though your confidence is terribly low and you are in a cycle of no confidence so daren't try: haven't tried so aren't confident, and so on. When he says "snap out of it" he can't realise how hard that is.

Basl weight is an easy thing for someone else to focus on. I wouldn't be mad or sad about the comments, it's so unproductive. You should focus on something else for a little bit. OK I am going to sound like an advert here but.. you are worth paying attention to. You are worth a bit of tlc, a hairdo, whatever -- not for anybody else, but to put a smile on your face, make you feel refreshed, to face the day with an extra bit of confidence. If you do these things for someone else, you aren't out of that cycle: you are looking for approval and waiting for failure if the approval doesn't come.

Giving yourself confidence in tiny steps is like compound interest on a bank account: things accelerate more quickly than you expect.

For a start, if you can afford it, have your hair done. It's a tiny, apparently shallow thing, but can make a huge difference to confidence, can get you compliments, which make you smile, which make you feel brighter.. all of which you take home and feel stronger with. It is like a rolling snowball. But if you are making changes, do it for yourself, and not for approval.

Good luck

[artlesschaos]

Lady, I'm so heartbroken, angry and pissed off I want to go and punch him in the face. If it wasn't for the fact he's in our bed with the eldest DC, I would.
I am not sure what out future holds as a couple but some comments (like the OP's) cut so deep they can never be forgotten.
Men can be so much more hurtful than women.

[hanaboo]

artless, my dp is always a lot more personal than i am in a row. i hate it, he says stuff i would never dream off, i did it to him once and he couldn't handle it... the thing is, men don't think before they speak

ladyevan my dp actually likes me bigger than i like myself which is why its usually me moaning about being big rather than him

[basl]

cat64 thankyou i really wanted a good slagging of my dh but you hit the nail on the head. I do need to have a look at myself and wonder why i eat the way i do. My hubby just tried to explain that he wants me to look nice and i have gone off on one. He is a slim active gym going guy but he is strong in confidence unlike me and he does not understand that i turn to food. I lost my sister who was 30 two years ago to cancer and a boyfriend when i was 18 to a car crash and various other wee delimas. I think i am a bit week but a bloody good mum but just have let myself go with the eating and stuffing in choc to make me feel better.

[basl]

stuffitllllama bless you for your comments. You make so much sence. stuffitllllama maybe things are said in the heat of the moment. My dh gobs of then thinks after. Stuffit has a good point my hubby may be feelinging unhappy for a good reason. Maybe you should have a chat with your dp

[LadyEvenstarsCauldren]

Artless oh I know what you mean. My ex (ds1's sperm donor) once said to me during sex "if you had longer hair and bigger tits you would be beautiful"
I was devastated anyway a few months later (just before we split up) I waited for the right moment and as he got to the point of no return I said "You know if you had a bigger dick and smaller stomach I might actually know when you are doing something I am meant to enjoy" needless to say he rapidly returned from the point of no return with a thud!

[artlesschaos]

Thanks dittany. I know by the look in his eyes that he meant it. That's what is so awful and devastating.
Some things that are said in the heat of the moment can leave their mark forever.
I can't imagine ever feeling comfortable having sex with him again.
How do you "get over" a comment like that? Now I think the process of conceieving our kids just bored him...or worse, he was laughing at me for being rubbish..comparing me better "shags".
Sorry for bringing this into your thread, OP.
What your husband said was insensitive but well meant. My DP made his comment just to hurt me and make me feel like a loser.
It could be worse.

[LadyEvenstarsCauldren]

Artless. Ok so he was a knob in what he said and it cut to the bone, but do yourself a big favour do not let him know it has hurt you, yes it is going to be hard. But do your damnest not to let him know.

[artlesschaos]

And thanks Lady. I also had an ex tell me if I had bigger tits I'd have a great body...just after sex. I was younger and insecure and his comments crushed me.
I know I'm not the most daring, imaginative lover but surely that doesn't matter if you have more to hold you together?
I fear there's not much left for us. I suspect we're only together for the sake of the kids....on both sides.

[LadyEvenstarsCauldren]

Artless and that is a big NO NO as far as I am concerned nobody should stay together for the sake of the children, its a mistake which has a lasting impact on them and they do not deserve to be in an atmosphere which is going to remain tense.

I wish I could come and batter these men who make hurtful comments

[basl]

artless i feel this thread is more appropriate for you. i feel a bit silly now when i hear what has been said to you. Good luck and i would not cope with anyone telling me what you have had to deal with. good luck

[basl]

Can i just say again ladies thanks for your comments

[LadyEvenstarsCauldren]

Basl, sorry i didn't mean to ignore you!

I would find dh's weakest point and make a comment about it, which when he reacts I would say "well now you know how the heck I felt when you said I needed to lose weight"

but then I am a heartless bitch these days