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to be angry and think this man is taking the piss?

(63 Posts)
Vallhala Sat 24-Oct-09 22:21:50

Sorry, long post but I am fuming!

Since Weds evening I've been caring for DD1s pal having found out that she was alone while mum is on holiday and that she was unhappy (and hungry). Parents are divorced, care is shared and dad lives in the same town as his DD and her mum and also my family and I. Dad says he can't care for her as he "has" to work night shifts. The full story is on AIBU, "to think it wrong for 14 yo to be left alone for a week...".

As I had taken into my home a child I barely know, whose parents I have never met, and who neither knew where she was nor had given either she or I permission to have her stay, I thought it wise, after much thought and advice here, to email school to let them know what I had done, to cover my own ass. I did this in the early hours of Thurs morning and having got dads number from Jane called him as soon as it was a decent hour that morning. School naturally called him and warned that they would be taking advice from SS.

So, this is where I am at now, tell me, is he now taking the piss?

First the fecker rings me today to announce that he is angry that I contacted school re his child being alone, did I realise what this could do to him and his job, what a caring and dedicated father he is, blah blah.

Explained to him that I did so to cover my ass as I had a strangers kid in the house overnight, the parents didn't know where she was/had been and had given her no permission to be there, which put me in a vulnerable position regardless that I was doing a kindness.

No apology, just more whinging about his position. Drumming my fingers by this point wondering if, since hes so concerned, he'd like to take his daughter back as he's only downn the road... or at least accept that if he and his ex hadn't left their kid alone this would never have happened in the first place and me having her here is probably the only thing stopping him from being charged for neglect. This is left unsaid by me and clearly doesn't occur to him.

Then the toss-pot tells me that her mum has come home TODAY instead of returning tomorrow as had always been said.

Yeah, right.

And I'm Stevie Wonder.

So where the feck is mum then... why is she not contacting her child, even if not me, why is said child not back with her own mum and not with this lone mum of 2, who is knackered, sleeping on the sofa cos visiting kid has her room and dealing with her own 'difficult' 12 year old and in all honesty views ANY house guest, even this nice girl, as she does haddock.... all right for a couple of days but by the third it is becoming undesirable and the fourth simply nauseating?

Cos if the mothers here in this town you're both taking the piss mate!

And if she's not then you're a lying git!

Come to that, regardless of where the MOTHER is, YOU are responsible for this child, not me, so you're definately taking the piss mate! You aren't ill, you aren't 100 miles away, you merely prefer to work and leave your DD with a stranger.

He said that Jane KNEW THAT her mum was back... I later mentioned it to Jane, who said "Is she?"

Thats as much as I got out of her... I didn't press the matter.

Although I didn't point out the obvious flaws in matey's "mum's back today" story to him when he phoned maybe I should have, it may have lowered my stress levels a bit to call him a pathetic twat who is full of bull.

Dads only redeeming factor was to accept that my call to school was a pure "child is here, this is why, I don't know parents and they don't yet know shes here so I'm telling YOU as professionals to cover my ass".

He knows he and his ex are potentially in the mire for leaving his child unattended, he lives just down the road, mum is allegedly back home or if thats not true will be back tomorrow... yet he no word from mum and Jane is expected by dad to remain here til Monday night or if not Tuesday. Shes a lovely kid but I need just to get on with dealing with my own kids and family life. I have a docs appoinment on Monday (having missed an important hospital appointment yesterday because of having his child here) and am generally knackered and don't think its too much to expect one or other parent to care for their own child and not rely excessively on this total stranger to them.

AIBU to think that he is now taking the piss?

Flyonthewindscreen Sat 24-Oct-09 22:24:02

YANBU obviously.....

Arcadie Sat 24-Oct-09 22:24:07

Bloody hell. YANBU...... Well done for doing something and I hope it doesn't come back to bite you in the ass.....

Chickenshavenolips Sat 24-Oct-09 22:26:11

YANBU. They both sound like fabulous parents <engage pissy, sarcastic tone here>

Doodleydoo Sat 24-Oct-09 22:28:07

No YANBU, great parents they re! I don't understand what possess people to go away on holiday and leave their child behind with no on there the week before half term? Bizarre, poor you, poor kid, stupid parents imo!

bosch Sat 24-Oct-09 22:35:36

Is it completely and entirely unreasonable for Jane's mum to leave Jane with her dad for a week? Only I guess if Jane's dad made it quite clear that his life/work pattern etc was not going to change one bit for that week.

At the moment, it sounds to me like Jane's mum hasn't done anything wrong, but I might had missed something.

Jane's dad on the other hand sounds like a complete piece of work and ya definitely nbu OP.

VengefulSinner Sat 24-Oct-09 22:39:44

Fecking hell! Of course YANBU!!! IMO these parents fall into the category of irresponsible. She is 14 ffs! Old enough to babysit maybe, but not to be left alone for a week...

He should be thanking you, not acting like a complete twat.

Vallhala Sat 24-Oct-09 22:45:36

Bosch, AFAIK mum (with whom Jane mainly lives) went on holiday for 10 days knowingly leaving Jane alone rather than thinking that dad would care for her.

i should also add that there is a mid-twenties male lodger in Jane and her mums house - Jane reports that one lodger (DD1 doesn't think its the current one but isn't sure) came on to Jane and tried to kiss her.

Dads reaction was to want to "knock lodgers lights out", oh well, it was only a kiss".

I know who I think should have their lights knocked out!

Vallhala Sat 24-Oct-09 22:46:40

Sorry, that should read, "Mums reaction was 'oh well, it was only a kiss' ".

Dunno what went wrong with my laptop there!

BiteOfFun Sat 24-Oct-09 22:50:12

FFS <boggle>

YA so NBU...

LauraIngallsWilder Sat 24-Oct-09 22:58:58

Oh dear Vallhala the plot thickens (I was on your other thread)
He sounds like an utter twat

Im glad you are caring for her and that you phoned the school

I hope everything works itself out in the next few days with no more grief for you

Vallhala Sat 24-Oct-09 23:48:20

Thank you Laura... but I have a feeling that this one could run and run.

It will be interesting to see what tomorrow brings and if Mum makes contact with Jane, confirming that she didn't get home today!

LauraIngallsWilder Sat 24-Oct-09 23:56:32

I suspect it will to Vallhala - I was trying to think positively

Is it half term with you this week or next?
I hope you manage to get some time out with your own kids

I get the impression that there is a lot more to this that Jane isnt talking about - poor chick

JustAnotherManicMummy Sun 25-Oct-09 00:02:57

YANBU to think he is taking the piss. But YABU to expect anything different from this man. He has shown himself to be a neglectful parent and poor excuse for a man and this poor child's mother is no better.

He sounds really stupid as well if he thinks that by pretending her mother is back some how makes this all ok. It doesn't.

I think you have done something very kind and I have been watching your other thread. You deserve a bloomin' medal for keeping schtum on the phone. I would have lost it, but your way of dealing with it is much better.

I would like to know what support this child is getting and if social services have been briefed by the school, but only because it seems no one other than you is actually taking any action to help this girl.

I think you are a saint.

dittany Sun 25-Oct-09 00:13:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala Sun 25-Oct-09 00:21:23

Oh blush I'm no saint or heroine! Just doing what any of you would have done.

It has been half term here since Thursday night so I'm at a loss at what to do with the kids! (Small town with nothing to offer, no car and no money lol). My own two would be occupied with sorting clothes for the charity shop, coming with me to help at our local dog rescue, going out to buy more uniform and so on but those things aren't easy to do with someone elses child about. Its horrid to have a child here with so little to offer to entertain them, I feel rotten.

NinksIsNotAshamed Sun 25-Oct-09 00:38:02

OMG Valhalla, what is wrong with this father / man?

Why can't he be one or the other or both?

dittany Sun 25-Oct-09 00:45:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala Sun 25-Oct-09 10:49:18

Thanks Dittany, you have a point.

Wouldn't take someone else's child to the rescue, not a responsibility I'd like, especially under these circumstances.

Something else occurred to me this morning... that yesterday dad said he sees more of Jane and has greater care, though I know this is not the case as shes at mums most.

Dad claims that Jane is not left by mum when she goes to work, was anxious to stress this .... yet I didn't ask or raise the subject!!! hmm

I ended our conversation yesterday on a polite and friendly-enough note as I am not going to be drawn into argument for my sake as well as Janes but, I tell you, something isn't right here.

There's still no word from mum. If she did get home yesterday she's clearly got better things to do than ring her daughter.

DitaVonCheese Sun 25-Oct-09 11:49:01

YA definitely NBU, as well you know. Well done for showing such kindness to this poor girl and hope you get your bed back soon!

memorylapse Sun 25-Oct-09 12:05:00

YANBU..I read the other thread...and am just picking my jaw up off the floor..imo a 14 year old should not be left alone for a week, let alone with a male lodgershock
youve shown incredible kindness

I suspect there is a lot more to this than meets the eye hmm

Vallhala Sun 25-Oct-09 22:19:45

Oh FFS!

Update:

mum called Jane a short while ago. I didn't eavesdrop but DD1 tells me that mum has been back since FRIDAY and is angry with Jane as she 'Knows she isn't allowed to stay with other people and should have stayed at home'!

Its taken mum all this time to call Jane and even then she didn't ask to speak to the stranger with whom Jane has been staying since Wednesday night! angry

Apparently mum wants Jane to go home tomoorrow morning to talk to her. DD1 says she doesn't think Jane will be allowed to stay here tomorrow night.

Well actually, no, she won't as she has TWO parents within a 10 or 15 minute walk in town and THEY should be caring for Jane!

Question is, do I leave it at that and let Jane go home and wait to see if the parents contact me or if school does when term starts in a week? Or do I cover my ass and report to SS (with whom school have already been in contact) to say she has gone home to mum?

Seabright Sun 25-Oct-09 22:27:09

If school have contacted SS, I don't see that it would hurt to call them and give them an update on everyone's whereabouts.

You can do that without overtly commenting on the rights & wrongs (which are completly obvious!), just pass on the facts as you know them "to update them on the situation".

duelingFANGo Sun 25-Oct-09 22:33:17

Did you sort out the fact that you would be caring for her with her dad?

If so then I think perhaps YABU to have contacted the school.

VengefulSinner Sun 25-Oct-09 22:33:56

That's a difficult one...

So you're saying Jane is only 14 and the mother was home for 2 days before wondering where her daughter was and decided to call her?!

There is something seriously wrong there.

I am the type of person that would call SS to cover my own arse of nothing else (especially if they are already aware of the case/situation), but from what you have said I would be very worried for this child's welfare.

What kind of mother goes away on holiday leaving her child alone and then doesn't appear to give a flying fuck when she comes home to an empty house?? And to then complain that she is NOT at home alone but with someone who cared enough to take her in??

What irresponsible parents angry

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