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to be really really annoyed with husband

(11 Posts)
bb99 Sat 24-Oct-09 00:53:33

as he doesn't seem to be able to move on from the horrible time WE ALL HAD after my 2nd (his 1st) child was finally fecking born. I am so so mad with him - I can't even sleep.

PND for 18 months, after being pg for 2 years, burying our first son after a late mc, followed by an early mc and then a terrifying 3rd pg, resulting in our beautiful and perfect son...followed by the PND.

Had long debate b4 bed as I was stupid enough to talk about how things COULD be if current pg goes full term and we get a baby...

Of course DH reply was along the lines of he's resigned to having a big chart with 570 squares that he will cross of at the end of the day in the knowledge that eventually HIS life won't be so sh*t after that (as that was how long it took for things to settle down after DS was finally born) It's as tho he lives in a world where everyone else was having a fecking party while he was being abused by us all as the rest of us enjoyed living with HIM and my PND. Then went on to tell me how awful I was and how miserable his life had been, but it was what he was expecting this time as I don't do what I am told listen to him.

Friends of ours have managed to have quite a nice time after their babies were born, but they didn't have the hormones to contend with, or my husbands stupid mouth. He acts as tho everything bad during those 18 months was the result of MY PND (but it's not YOUR fault), because of course he has forgotton all the rubbish and hurtful things he said and did. He found being a father and the extra responsibilities really hard to deal with and if I can give him that much of a disclaimer why can't HE move on.

I know I was absolutely horrid and struggled with a mental illness after DS was born and I am trying and succeeding in not going there again (so far) despite having a rubbish time with this pg (see the bleeding threads...) BUT he doesn't seem to think that the way HE acted was in any way shape or form a contributing factor - am starting to feel a bit stupid as I really didn't realise until tonight just how entrenched he STILL is in the past and how he seems incapeable of moving on into the future.

FFS there wouldn't be enough space to write down all the rubbish things he said and did after DS was born, which started even before I'd been seen by the consultant to see if my MASSIVE tear needed to be sewn up in theatre. If I spent my time focussing on the past in the way he does I wouldn't be able to live with the man.

At the end of the day sh*t happens and you have to move on from it. It can't shape the whole of your future. If I had let the past shape our future my DH wouldn't have a son, as I would not have risked losing another baby the way I did our first son.

I am worried he just will not let this go, which is a familial feature in his messed up family. Things seemed to be so back together again and here he is refusing to accept any responsibility for how crap our relationship was after DS was born. BTW I know our rubbish relationship was entirely our own faults and nothing to do with the kids.

Boy oh boy I am MAD MAD MAD. (and he stalked off as soon as any reference was made to BOTH our behaviour)

Probably mad to be breeding again now I know this is going on inside his head sad

heverhoney1 Sat 24-Oct-09 01:27:14

Little advice just wanted to give you a virtual HUG. Sounds like your DH may have his own deamons to battle, it doesnt make him a bad person or a bad father but it does make him a selfish one right now. I hope he gains the ability to see things from another perspective sooner rather than later. xxxx

macdoodle Sat 24-Oct-09 07:55:11

Hmm just a thought - my PND wasnt really PND looking back, it was as a result of a massively unhelpful, nasty, selfish tosser of a XH - but for a long time I believed it was all MY fault!
Funnily enough when I had our second DD2 without him around, I never came anywhere near PND, was much happier, calmer and a far better mother without him !

skidoodle Sat 24-Oct-09 08:08:44

It sounds like you have both had a tough time before and after your son was born and your current pregnancy (particularly with potentiel problems) is bringing up fears and anxieties for him (and you too by the sounds of it.

Moving on is important, but so is acknowledging pain and finding peace with it so it doesn't ruin future happiness.

It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved feelings about what you've been through too.

With two children and now a firm deadline on the horizon it might be time to get some professional help with sorting through all this stuff.

His talk of crossing the days off his chart is heartbreaking, and if you weren't so cross with him (not saying you don't have reason) you might be better able to help him with that.

Best of luck

bb99 Sat 24-Oct-09 08:25:02

HH1 - you are right, he's a depressive too ( and currently on St Jwort to avoid SAD) and it is ironic that even tho he spent a lot of time shouting telling me that MEN get PND tooooo he never tried to get any professional help, or bothered to find out that much about it. He's had depression before (us depressives tend to stick together wink) but has never tried CBT. I did with PND and it was really helpful. That's probably why I am sooo irritating to my DH now grin. I'd really like him to try it, but if I even hint or suggest that maybe HE needs an attitude adjustment, it hits the fan, as the ONLY reason HE and everyone else was soo unhappy after DS was born was MY PND and his collic. Also he just goes on about how I don't recognise or appreciate HIS feelings or opinions about anything as I disagree with him. He's just waiting for me to go - oh my gosh, you were RIGHT, it was ALL MY FAULT, I am such a terrible person - and that isn't going to happen, it is an aspect of our long relationship that doesn't happen anymore (BIG line in sand).

Just seems daft that he is so convinced that there is this massive 'get dh' conspiracy that he won't even look into PND and preventative measures (like trying not to be a tosser MD grin) even tho when our ds had collic (a joy when you're on the edge as it is -LOL- ) he found out all sorts of helpful stuff on the internet and DID try to help out - hence only ALMOST, very nearly becoming my XH...hmm

I'm not counting my chicks yet as this has been a problem pg, but will after Monday week, when we have consultant appt, and I'll start looking into preventative measures for PND. I'm even willing to give raw placenta a go, as I don't like prosac (makes me feel too disjointed) and like PND even less.

Just wish this could be a joint project, but he's just never been very good at accepting responsibility - hence finding fatherhood so challenging 1st time around. I blame his parents grin they raised both their children to be positively perfect in every possible way hmm and you wouldn't BELIEVE how crap his sister's husband is...apparently he NEVER does anything around the house (oh, upart from redecorate and remodel the garden after he does a 1 1/2 hour commute to AND from London everyday, cook the meals at the weekend and take their DS out for atleast one day at the weekend to give poor SIL a break)

Stupid row over things neither of us can change - I think we need to forgive one another for all the hurt and try to be more posative about the future. Even if this pg goes wrong, I know I'll be OK as there is more in life for me this time around and I know no matter what I do, sometimes you just can't change things, you just have to find a way to make peace, shame he's not on the same sheet yet...

fernie3 Sat 24-Oct-09 08:34:00

Hi
I dont have any advice at all apart from some reassurance, I had PND after my son (which lasted until he was wel lover a year old) but my last baby who is now 8 months I was probably the happiest Ive ever been - not even a little blip. So you may be fine this time.I was like a smiling baby hugging mad woman.
I found that she was the first child I had breastfed and although I had less sleep I did feel more serene!

fernie3 Sat 24-Oct-09 08:35:16

lol should be well over not wel lover

bb99 Sat 24-Oct-09 08:40:06

Really pleased for you fernie3 - that is the outcome I am hoping for. Congrats on your baby and being a baby hugging mad woman!! Hope DH can work towards the same without this eternal pessimism.

ThreeKings Sat 24-Oct-09 08:58:30

YANBU

BB99- I do wonder if you are actually married to my DH grin

Seriously, I am sorry you went through such a hard time with your pregnancies and I hope this one goes ok.

I nearly went over the edge with an unhelpful DH in the early days of my DDs life. I didnt get PND - thank goodness so I cant begin to imagine how you felt. I too apparently didnt listen/ didnt do as I was told around critical issues such as breast vs formula when she didnt gain wt (he wanted to give formula I absolutely didnt!)

As I type this I wonder if I am like your DH and its me that cant move on in my situation. I dont think I can forgive the awful things that he said to me in the early days. But he cant either, brought up the early feeding issues again the other day when he was referencing how i dont listen/dont do as im told/ do what I want anyway in respect to a totally different convestation about me going back to work.

Ho Hum
Sorry for the essay....

Conclusion, YADefinatelyNBU

GOod luck with this pregancy xx

lilyjen Sat 24-Oct-09 09:07:14

Hi I don't have advice either but I think you're right and it sounds like he's being selfish at the mo.Funny how men say women always drag up the past in an argument isn't it! Awww I wanna give you a virtual hug too x

bb99 Sun 25-Oct-09 12:24:20

Threekings - hope u r Ok and past gets laid to rest for you too!!!

Thanks 4 hug lilyjen!

This morning on the way to church with DS (like church - it's a very peaceful and quiet place to be on a Sun am grin told DH he should go back to bed and relax as DS played with DH while I had shower (he don't come with us v.often and dd is tooo old to want to )

Was told I should stop making his life out to be soo easy...WTF...poor victim that he is and then when explained to him I just wanted him to relax he told me I was being 'un-christian and should stop having a go at him' hmm selfish cow that I am TELLING him to go and have a relaxin lie in...

Getting a bit nervous as he was a bit of a pig after DS was born, for whatever reason, and he seems to be starting on the verbal again...maybe he's getting himself wound up to start being daft again like he was. Only this time if he's daft like he was there will be a divorce as I'm not going back to the situation we were in 2 years ago for anyone. (Or I could just be a bit o/sensitive and hormonal blush

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