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to think not inviting ds to party is mean?

(76 Posts)
labyrinthine Fri 23-Oct-09 23:42:29

By labyrinthine on Fri 23-Oct-09 23:38:16
ds just turned 8 and invited two brothers to his party ~ they couldn't come because they went to their usual after school activity ~fair enough.They were the only ones who didn't come out of 15.

They now have their own birthday and have been allowed 3 friends and have invited 3 boys out of the 7 in the class ~ not ds.
ds has been good about it but is upset as he thought they were two of his best friends~and as I've heard the boys asking to come over and choosing him usually as a partner etc in school I was surprised.

I think it's a bit mean as he is the only boy left out of their playing group and I would never do that.
Also they have talked all week about who may or may not come and named them one by one .

ds has previously said that their mum has said they are not allowed to come over as she is very strict but now wonder if there is some reason.

Maybe I'm too soft but we are always so careful not to leave anyone out I feel a bit sorry for ds.If he had only been allowed 3 friends I would have asked him to keep it fairly quiet I think.

alicet Fri 23-Oct-09 23:56:24

Sorry YABU.

They are only allowed 3 and your ds is not the only one to not be invited. I also think YABU to expect them to keep it quiet and not be excited about what they are doing.

I too would feel desperately disappointed for your ds but I think you will be doing him more favours by playing this down rather than making it into a big issue. it doesn't have to have any deeper meanings other than on this particular week they chose 3 other boys. Next week they will all probaby be friends again and it will all be forgotten

CristinaTheAstonishing Fri 23-Oct-09 23:58:56

So these friends declined your son's party because they went to Beavers instead? They couldn't be such good friends then, that's what I'd think. They sound a bit immature (rather than malicious) talking like that about who is coming and isn't, but then they are only 8, not so suprising.

labyrinthine Fri 23-Oct-09 23:59:12

I have played it down to him don't worry.
I guess it's fine really just not what I would do ~and its the mum I thought was mean not the boys.

alicet Sat 24-Oct-09 00:02:16

labyrinthine it's probably not what I would do either tbh so I get where you are coming from. Just think life is full of small disappointments like this really and teaching your ds to try not to take things like this personally and also as a lesson in being considerate himself is no bad thing. Would still be gutted if it were my boys!

ABitHaloweenBatty Sat 24-Oct-09 00:02:20

Well if we all did the same then life would be very boring wouldn't it. It's their can't expect everyone to do 'what you would do' I would be more pissed off that they went to Beavers instead of your DS party if they were such good mates. YABU!

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 00:02:23

I was surprised they went to a routine after school thing instead of a close friends party ~ so hence I think they can't be such good friends after all.
But at home time I usually hear them asking to be ds partner in an after school activity etc so I thought it might be their mum who didn't want them to come I've no idea why.

CristinaTheAstonishing Sat 24-Oct-09 00:03:59

BTW I also have huge sympathy for your DS.

I think there should be a simple rule: "You've been invited & attended, you invite back." More difficult when you were invited but didn't go, I think you feel less of an obligation.

alicet Sat 24-Oct-09 00:04:50

I think it depends on what the after school activity is and how expensive it is / how much the boys like it. And how many millions of parties they are going to (it can get ridiculous can't it?)

One of ds1s close friends didn't come to his party as she had a swimming lesson. Not funny vibes from the mum - just that if she cancelled her sat am swimming lesson for every party she was invited to then she would miss half of them and they are not cheap!

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 00:05:52

Yes sorry it was really more to do with them not coming to his I was surprised about ~ put it wrong way round in the op ~ but that then seemed to be accentuated by them not inviting him.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 00:09:05

Yes of course it is silly to take it personally and I wouldn't really dream of expecting other people to invite ds it was more they didn't come to his but as you say everyone has their own way of doing things so fair enough.

pigletmania Sat 24-Oct-09 00:09:28

It is sad and i would not do that myself tbh, i would invite key friends that my dd plays with, but yes life is full of disappointments and this can help him prepare a bit for them. Not everything will go his way and he has to learn to take it on the chin and move on.

CristinaTheAstonishing Sat 24-Oct-09 00:09:31

Alicet - I think that's so grown up and calculating: "My DD will get more from learning to swim than from a transitory friendship with another child."

This reminds me of a mum whose DD my DD1 wanted to invite for a playdate. It was in nursery, the end of the summer term. This other mum declined by telling me that they won't be in Reception together anyway come Autumn, so what's the point? (Phrased differently, obviously.) So if her daughter was not gaining any long term benefits from my DD's friendship it wasn't worth the hassle. What a fucking charmer.

cory Sat 24-Oct-09 00:12:51

I don't think there should be a rule that you have to invite the people who have invited you. In that case, ds might end up having to invite people he doesn't like at all, but whose parents happen to throw enormous parties, but be unable to invite his best friends.

pigletmania Sat 24-Oct-09 00:13:09

OMG cristian shock the mentality of some people

sb6699 Sat 24-Oct-09 00:14:18

YABU in expecting your DS to be invited but YANBU to feel sad for him that he hasn't.

I also wouldnt have left out a child but hey ho everyones different. Maybe his mum felt that if she invited 4 out of 7 it would make the others feel even more left out as more would be going than not iykwim.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 00:15:18

I suppose it is the general snub that ds was so keen to invite them and they went to a short activity instead[30 mins]!

He wrote all his own invitations and was thrilled at the possibility of them finally coming over!

I have noticed his mum is quite a loner [but seems nice]so she perhaps is quite reserved.

CristinaTheAstonishing Sat 24-Oct-09 00:17:13

No, Cory, I said if you were invited and attended, you invite back. Unless you have a very small party. If your DS is so popular that he's invited by people he doesn't like at all I imagine he doesn't actually go to their parties, so no need to invite back, necessarily. But I do think it's nasty to be invited, go, have a big party but leave some people out. I really can't see how that can be justified.

pigletmania Sat 24-Oct-09 00:17:45

Try not to take it personally, i know you are sad for him but dont let him see your disappoinment.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 00:18:54

Yes IABU about the ds being invited part ~rushed the op and put the emphasis the wrong way round.I never expect the dcs to be invited anywhere but can't understand the combination of the not coming and not inviting ~ seems they are not such good friends after all I think.

CristinaTheAstonishing Sat 24-Oct-09 00:19:22

Pigletmania - yes, it's over a year now but I still remember that. I guess some people are like that, though, in for the long game.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 00:23:15

I know but when I try to teach him about being careful about others feelings[I felt terrible leaving out a boy who is terribly badly behaved but I knew his mum would not stay and I was on my own] it's hard to just say oh well everyones different and it sound plausible.

pigletmania Sat 24-Oct-09 00:24:00

my goodness i cant believe it cristina, sounds like one of those helicopter mothers who like to have total control over every aspect of their childrens lives.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 00:28:45

dh thinks this mother is jealous ~ I'm more concerned she disapproves of us in some way.

CristinaTheAstonishing Sat 24-Oct-09 00:33:45

Why would she be jealous or disapproving? You say she's reserved, do you know each other well enough for this?

Has you son been round to theirs? Did he break her favourite china?

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