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to have nothing more to do with a friend who's cancelled on me 4 times...

(20 Posts)
the3ofus Fri 23-Oct-09 17:22:14

The first time she cancelled on me when we'd made plans to meet I thought nothing of it - these things happen after all, people can't always plan for all eventualities. The second time she cancelled I felt a little annoyed but again didn't think it was a big deal and made alternative plans to meet. The third time, well quite frankly I was annoyed. Reasons for cancelling always seem to be that shes made plans to meet other people and forgotten rather than her dc are ill or any other emergency. However, after thinking (probably too much) about it I decided to give her another chance and we made arrangements to meet up for lunch tomorrow. I sent her a text in the week confirming and she said yes. Told my dd who got v excited as she loves playing with my friends ds.

Just had an email from her now saying sorry she's going to have to cancel tomorrow as shes meeting a friend. Feel gutted sad. Had already turned down the opportunity to meet up with someone else because meant to be meeting this friend. I just don't understand whats happening. Met her at my dd playgroup and have known her for about a year now, up until recently we've met regularly and always had a great time, our dcs get on well too. I've tried to be a good friend and never let her down and yet all of a sudden she doesnt seem bothered about letting me down to meet up with other people. After 4 times of being let down I think I should just not bother making the effort. I feel embarrassed too. Other friends ask if I want to meet up and I say sorry can't I'm meeting x but then x cancels and I and dc are left without plans (don't want to then tell other friends I'm free incase they think I'm just using them).

belgo Fri 23-Oct-09 17:26:41

I think you should give up. Console yourself that you are a good friend, but she just doesn't seem to be. If she is a good friend, she will want to make another appointment with you and she'll stick to it.

I recently cancelled a friend three times due to my children being ill - twice due to hospital admissions - and then she cancelled me but on the fifth attempt we did manage to meet up. But those were very genuine reasons.

claricebeansmum Fri 23-Oct-09 17:28:37

"she's going to have to cancel tomorrow as shes meeting a friend."

But you are supposedly her friend?

I am sorry but I would have nothing to do with this so called friend anymore. A true friend rejects the better offer for sticking with what they originally planned.

Parsleypants Fri 23-Oct-09 17:29:22

Oh dear. The chances are she is just being rude and thoughtless I think. However... Is there any chance she could be ill (depressed or something) and is fibbing about reasons she can't meet, i.e. using other friends as an excuse? Or could she be pregnant and feeling atrocious? Long shots probably. In any case I would leave the ball firmly in her court - let her come to you. It's more about her than it is about you, don't think it's your fault for whatever reason. Try not to be too upset about it and enjoy your weekend. Easier said than done I know lovely.

CybilEngineer Fri 23-Oct-09 17:31:43

It sounds like she is trying to cut you out.

the3ofus Fri 23-Oct-09 17:36:40

It just takes me back to being 18 again, its like waiting for a bloke to ring, agreeing to meet up only for him to cancel at the last minute sad I just don't get why if she wants no more to do with me we keep making plans only for her to cancel. If I didn't want to see a friend anymore I'd probably say something vague (again like a bloke!) like I'll text you and then never do. Its the constant making of plans and then cancelling I don't get.

For the sake of my self-respect I think if she does try and arrange to meet up I'm just going to have to say no. But then I think about what great times we've had and that she bought me a lovely present for my birthday in June sad.

junglist1 Sat 24-Oct-09 11:20:07

When you say you make plans to meet who instigates it? If it's you and she goes along with it then cancels, drop her, she isn't worth your time. Otherwise she could be a head all over the place kind of person? Devious people would lie and say they were ill or something, if she's that blatant she's meeting someone else maybe she's just low on social skills and organisation rather than being malicious IYSWIM.

PuppyMonkey Sat 24-Oct-09 11:23:55

Did you reply to that last text? I think it deserves something quite blunt back about how rude that is - make her feel nice and bad about it. And then give up with her.

Rossco Sat 24-Oct-09 11:36:04

Don't try and contact her, leave it and see if she contacts you.

It does sound like she's making arrangements with you as a standby and if she gets a 'better' offer cancels your arrangements. Friends like that you can do without.

piratecat Sat 24-Oct-09 11:42:39

I would reply to the text. I always feel better upholding my side of something, then at least she can't ever say in the future, 'I did let you know but you didn't reply.'

What to write tho? hmm.

'I thought we had plans?. ok, lets just leave it then.'

simple, yet has 'meaning' if you get me?!

I'm sorry she isn't being reliable.

thesecondcoming Sat 24-Oct-09 12:14:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slowreadingprogress Sat 24-Oct-09 12:16:19

I would reply to the e-mail with a very short one liner something like "Thanks for letting me know. Have fun" or something and then just leave it completely. If she contacts you again to ask for a meet up, (and if you want to bother) I think what I would do is arrange with another friend or two to come over, and then invite her along in that group. Then if she doesn't come, it doesn't matter. And don't ever mention to your child that she is coming. Then no one has lost anything if she doesn't come.

NormaSknockers Sat 24-Oct-09 13:10:51

You've tried, you've given a few chances & she's still bailing on you which is very unfair on both you & DD so YANBU to want to ditch her. I would stop contact, if she gets in touch & asks to meet up then maybe give it one more go if you can be bothered with her but tell her why you haven't been in touch.

carocaro Sat 24-Oct-09 13:15:19

Yes give up life is too short

BetsyBoop Sat 24-Oct-09 15:52:01

YANBU

Just leave it for her to contact you now. If she's interested she will, if not she won't...

I had something similar with someone I thought was a good friend about 9 months back when I realised it was always me arranging things & her cancelling more often than not, with dodgy reasons too. I just stopped suggesting stuff & guess what she didn't bother to either. I bumped into her by chance a couple of weeks ago & we had (what I thought) was a very uncomfortable "chat" She texted me later saying it was lovely to see me and we must go out for a coffee sometime to catch up. I'm not holding my breath...

Sometimes friendships run their course & it's just not worth the effort & mental angst to try & continue them...

bibbitybobbitycat Sat 24-Oct-09 15:55:54

Concentrate instead on the people who do want to meet up with you. She sounds like a terrible person tbh and you are honestly better off without the likes of her in your life.

RainRainGoAway Sat 24-Oct-09 15:56:48

Give up.

I think this friendship has run its course. I have done this to people when it has just gotten too tricky to keep meeting up, it is not maliciously meant. I have also had this done to me and not been too fussed.

This often happens when you have a 'time and a place' friend, say one you met at NCT and met every tuesday morning for coffee but when the dcs start preschool or you are back to work it can just become too hard to crowbar in a space.
If she contacts you then I would give her another chance. Otherwise keep her on your Xmas card list and smile if you see her but don't give it another thought. It is nothing o do with your personality.

busybutterfly Sat 24-Oct-09 15:58:31

I think she sounds rude and thoughtless. You're better off without her smile

porcamiseria Tue 27-Oct-09 14:15:41

trim trim trim, life is too short, if I were you I would also delete number and never text again! I am harsh like that tho, and she is a new not old friend anyway

ChilloHippi Tue 27-Oct-09 14:26:04

I would not contact her again. She obviously doesn't value your friendship. She'll probably end up doing the same thing to others and she will be the one that ends up lonely with no real friends. Concentrate on your other friends instead.

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