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Am I being unreasonable to boycott my brother's wedding?

(30 Posts)
fattybumbum Fri 23-Oct-09 12:01:52

Background: very toxic parents (abuse etc) myself and my sister who is one year younger got all the crap - no love, physical and mental abuse and both kicked out at 16/17. My parents are still pretty much the same towards us now.

There was a 5 year gap then my brother was born. (there is also a much younger sister who is loved too). He couldn't have been treated more differently - you'd have thought he was the second coming. He now works for my dad and will inherit his business. They have provided him with a job (he has 1 GCSE) with pay at @ £35k+ (am not totally sure), paid at least 20k deposit on his 3 bathroom house and are currently paying for his wedding next Oct. Oh and pay for his mobile and gave him a 2 year old jeep. They also see his daughter regularly, they have seen one of my sons twice.

Now I actually always used to get on with my brother ok and he used to come and stay with me most weekends - I'd say we were friends - but in the last couple of years he has really changed. his fiance is pretty shallow and materialisitc and he seems to have caught a lot of her values plus he smokes a lot of weed. He has always been a bit of a lazy 'not bothered' character but has got a lot worse.

I recently had a baby and when I told him that my parents were not interested he actually said he didn't 'give a fuck' ( I was crying down the phone) and that it was nothing to do with him. He has stopped sending me birthday cards even though I told him last year how hurtful myself and the other 'cast out' sister found this behaviour and now I have had my baby (a month ago) and he hasn't sent a card or gift. He really didn't used to be like this but it seems that now that he has got this great life being funded by my toxic parents that he has totally moved over onto their side. My sister feels that he has changed a lot for the worse too.

Anyway, I live in England and they live in Ireland. To go to his wedding next year will cost us a lot of cash we don't have. So AIBU to just tell him that I can't be arsed going to his wedding when he can't be bothered about the fact that my parents beat the crap out of me for years and have never given me any money or support for anything and most recently, that he didn't even care enough about me to send me a card for my baby's birth.

I am fuming, mainly because I am deeply hurt. I have had enough bloody rejection in my life - and he knows this - and now he is joining in too. And there is no point in telling him this stuff because I've already been down that route and it got me nowhere. Families eh? sad

goryminx Fri 23-Oct-09 12:05:48

So sorry you have gone/are going through this. Totally NBU - I would tell the lot of them to fuck off.

VineGruesomeTits Fri 23-Oct-09 12:07:15

YANBU not to go, but dont tell him its because you cant be arsed and your parents beat the crap out of you etc etc

Politely decline and leave it at that

Chickenshavenolips Fri 23-Oct-09 12:08:31

YANBU. It sounds like you'd be happier without these people in your life.

anonymous85 Fri 23-Oct-09 12:08:35

Poor thing, they are horrible. I would ot go this his wedding, they sound fucking horrid. You don't need family like that.

Miggsie Fri 23-Oct-09 12:09:14

YANBU!

don't go...they would only use the situation to be even more horrid to you.

If it is any comfort I knew someone who handed his business over to his 3 lazy sons and their money grabbing wives and they bankrupted it within 2 years.

HeadFairy Fri 23-Oct-09 12:10:55

YANBU, don't go, and I would think long and hard about any future contact with them as it obviously only causes more pain to you and your family.

curiositykilled Fri 23-Oct-09 12:14:00

I feel it might be better for you to cut ties with your family. Your brother is probably afraid that he will be cut out if he doesn't side with them. Try not to blame him, he's a product of them and if he's so reliant on them he has loads to lose.

It would be easier and calmer for you to just move forward in your life without any of them. If they are in a different country anyway then it should be easier.

Bleh Fri 23-Oct-09 12:14:30

YANBU. Definitely don't go.

PurpleBloodStainedDeathPillow Fri 23-Oct-09 12:14:43

Totally agree with other posters.

YANBU

I would spend the money it would cost you to go the wedding on a weekend away for you and your family.

Definately would NOT go to the wedding but agree just politely decline the invitation and be the better person.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 23-Oct-09 12:15:14

YANBU.

DO not go, and do not tell them why, let him figure it out, or not. Just do not waste any more time on this, concentrate on your family. They are important to you now.

Sometimes you cannot fix the past.

hanaflower Fri 23-Oct-09 12:16:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piratecat Fri 23-Oct-09 12:20:06

I think, although it hurts you, that you are right to cut ties completely.

What is the point?

free yourself, and enjoy your own family now.

they sound realy awful. sad

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller Fri 23-Oct-09 12:20:52

YANBU

Soupspoon Fri 23-Oct-09 12:26:31

I can see where you're coming from, but want to give you another viewpoint here.

It seems like you're blaming him for the fact that your parents have behaved well towards him, and not towards you and your sister, which is not his fault. Do you perhaps try to make him feel guilty about this a lot? That might be why he reacted angrily about you complaining about your parents ignoring your baby.

Lots of men are rubbish at sending cards and aren't that interested in babies, so I wouldn't not attend his wedding because of this.

If you can't afford to go to his wedding, or just don't fancy it, then don't go, but don't not go just to "punish" him. I would maintain your dignity, keep relations on an ok footing, in the hope that this is a bad phase that your relationship is going through, and leave the door open to salvage the relationship in the future.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

LaurieScaryCake Fri 23-Oct-09 12:36:11

Yanbu not to go

I wonder though if it might help you to think of him as equally (but differently) damaged.

They have spoiled him, he takes no responsibility, he was the golden child - that is pretty shitty too. His material life might be comfortable but all he has seen is you being abused and him being favoured.

It's hardly left him well-rounded, happy and secure has it?

fattybumbum Fri 23-Oct-09 12:53:39

Well, looking at him driving his jeep, no money worries, new house (ours is ex council, parents up his ass, I can't help thinking he got a good deal just for being born with a penis. DH and I are both graduates in our late 30s and are SKINT. Also since I've just had a baby, I think my hormones are making me extra angry.

My parents haven't offered any help and I know after a while I'll be doing what I did last time which is basically lie to my inlaws and pretend they've been to visit because I'm sick of those weird looks that people give you when they find out your parents don't want anything to do with you. They usually assume that it's YOU who has done something.

saggyhairyarse Fri 23-Oct-09 13:43:11

I would decline the invitation.

I have disconnected myself from my family, it feels like a huge relief to not have that shite in my life.

Good luck!

MamaLazarou Fri 23-Oct-09 13:50:57

YANBU

I am sorry you are treated so badly by your family.

I would politely decline the invitation.

Baconsarnie Fri 23-Oct-09 13:57:36

What (almost) everyone else has said. Don't go, politely decline the invite without giving a reason, think of tne money saved, and try to get on with your life without them dragging you down. YANBU.

theDeadPirateRoberts Fri 23-Oct-09 14:05:46

Agree - YANBU. But I also agree with Laurie - an ex of mine was the golden child in this situation, and he was pretty fucked up by it - he was on good terms with his siblings though, which while it didn't help with his guilt did I think help his siblings as they presented a united front against the toxic father and step-mother.

Something else to consider - I've also seen a couple of instances where children have decided to stay on terms with toxic parents for the sake of an inheritance. I couldn't personally do this - it feels as if they're allowing themselves to be bought off, as if money will make the abuse acceptable now that it's no longer happening - but maybe this is the accommodation your brother has made?

So I wouldn't tell your brother you can't be arsed to go - tell him you can't afford it, and wouldn't be happy to spend the time with your parents either.

And be honest with your PILs - have a good cry - they'll soon stop asking, and maybe you'll get a closer relationship with them as a result?

pinknosedevereux Fri 23-Oct-09 14:16:35

I agree politely decline too, but send a nice card and wish him well.

Have you ever talked to a professional about you childhood? It could help you to have some counselling? I know it helped me(a bit)

Heated Fri 23-Oct-09 14:18:24

You have values and strengths that your brother, with his privileged upbringing, has not acquired. I admire you, FBB, and pity him, he sounds quite weak.

In your shoes, I'd decline the invitation to the wedding since it seems like an unwelcome expense and a source of stress and friction. Maybe send a non-expensive, token gift from you and dsis, as you are the better person.

Doodleydoo Fri 23-Oct-09 14:21:13

I really feel for you, cut the infection out in this case. It seems that whatever you do you won't be right with them! I reckon the dead pirate has it right, I would sit down with your inlaws and lay your heart out. It will probably either get them to give you some more support and also will stop them asking about the situation, and may put them on yourside if others ask.

Although you have lied in the past to the PIL I think it would be better to come clean. Good Luck, sounds awful for you though.

porcamiseria Fri 23-Oct-09 14:24:45

YANBU
I think going to this wedding will cuase you alot of of pain, I do agree with the other posters though who say decline politly and send a nice card, its good karma...

Its sounds you had a grim grim childhood, now that you have a baby of your own maybe now is the time to try and reconcile with it? I am no shrink, but some counselling might help you to accept/move on/close the door

I also agree that (if you have an OK relationship) it might be a good idea to tell PILs, its doesnot need to be whole story but souhds like some extra support will do you good

FWIW I agree that maybe cutting ties wioth the toxic parents might be easier in the long run

Good luck

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