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To now be convinced I have been banging my head against a big, school shaped brick wall?

(27 Posts)
chegirlknowswhereyoulive Fri 23-Oct-09 11:18:16

I know this may sound trivial but it has upset me.

I dont dislike my DS's teacher or TA. They are fine. There are a lot of good things about them and DS likes them both.

But (here we go). I have always been open with the school about DS's issues. Supply them with information, keep them up to date with what is going on. The head of inclusion was a bit rubbish and didnt pass stuff on for a while but that seems to be sorted. I also give stuff directly to class teacher.

Took DS to school today and saw that everyone had those reply slips for parents evening. I didnt get on yesterday. So now all the appointments will be gone and I will have to take what is left. OH works evenings so the chances are he wont be able to come with me now. The early appts tend to go first as lot of parents are not in full time work.

I told TA that we didnt get a lett..... Before I finished the hand came up and 'EVERYONE GOT A LETTER'. No we didnt, not in his book bag,not in his hand. We didnt get one...'EVERYONE GOT ONE'. No and we didnt get one last week about a school trip that he nearly missed out on.

She then told me 'we give them to the children and they have to put them in their bags' and then 'THEY HAVE TO LEARN'

Well the point is that my son has learning difficulties. He does not just 'learn'. He needs loads of prompting and reminders and you cannot assume he has understood what has been said to him or that he has heard it.

They know this. I have discussed it and explained it. He has a diagnosis and they know this. I am not being prescious about my baby. He has limitations that will not be resolved by ignoring them. He is not lazy and will not learn by his mistakes in this way.

My older son was a PITA when it came to bringing letters home (still is) but it wouldnt of helped if his teachers had done it all for him. It would have made him worse. He needs to take responsibilty for his own stuff. He can learn in that way.

My DS2 cannot. Its like saying about a Deaf child 'if we use sign language he will never learn to hear!'

I know I am ranting but it feels indicative of the lack of understanding I am getting from them. What is the point of going through all that testing and assessment, getting diagnoses, keeping the school up to date etc if their answer is going to be 'He has to learn'.

Feel free to ignore. I know its not the first AIBU I have done on this. Last time it was teacher asking me if I would mind finding a cure for DS's eczema over the weekend grin

YouKnowHumanBonesCrunch Fri 23-Oct-09 11:23:27

It's not trivial. Your son is missing out on things because they are not offering him (very simple) support that he needs. I used to work as a TA with a teenager with LD and he needed the same kind of prompting with things like this. It isn't much of a job just to repeat "Now put that straight in your bag" if need be. It sounds like they need to be told his limitations AGAIN, could you put them in writing so they have it to refer to if need be?

diddl Fri 23-Oct-09 11:24:57

Well, I think that´s really rude of the TA tbh.

She actually put her hand up?

I personally find that offensive.

With your son she should at least watch that he puts it in his bag?

iliketurquoise Fri 23-Oct-09 11:28:01

sorry for your situation.
the only thing i can say is about the parenting evening;
i think they can give you a date after the others which will be at a suitable time for you, so dont worry about that.

flashharriet Fri 23-Oct-09 11:28:19

That's awful sad

How hard is it to double check that he's done it?

Geocentric Fri 23-Oct-09 11:31:21

YANBU at all, surely the school can make exceptions when necessary??!!

chegirlknowswhereyoulive Fri 23-Oct-09 11:39:10


I have worked as a TA and I know that its a pain when parents insist they havent got things when they just havent looked. I know how difficult it is to make sure a class of 28 6 year olds have got bags, coats, letters etc.

BUT they have been told! Another mum was listening and she was sympathetic. She told me her little boy had dyspraxia (verbal and physical I think she said) and he has missed out on stuff too.

The statementing process is taking an age and I am not sure its going to make that much difference. There is no other school to put him in as they are all ok but none outstanding. I dont want to disrupt him further either. It makes me so frustrated I well up and that is not like me at all.

I need to put more in writing but I have given them written info on his condition. He has auditory processing disorder. Its like a sort of deafness. His ears work but the problem arises when the info hits the brain. He cannot make sense of it all the time and particularly in noisy environments. Its not a made up thing honest! Its real and it has severely delayed his learning and understanding. He is so lovely. I know I am sensitive because the diagnoses has been a long time coming but is still a shock. It means that coupled with his LD he is not going just 'catch up' with is peers. There can be no more 'lets wait and see how he gets on'.

Thanks again.

2kidzandi Fri 23-Oct-09 11:43:33

Ahh chegirl, let me give you a hug smile

Since when have TAs become so pushy and rude anyway? Used to be that the TA was always the friendly, down-to-earthy-one that parents and DCs could approach for help, even on the sly, especially if the teacher was difficult to get on with. Normally a TA would be the one to make sure your DS was gently reminded to put their slips in their bags for mum.


Suggest you mention it again and be firm that your DS needs a little encouragement and support and that you expect them to give it to him.

Sharpyharpy Fri 23-Oct-09 11:46:58

Make an appointment with the head - and say ''I'm sorry I have obviously not been able to explain clearly what the problem is to the TA '' and suggest perhaps that they (the HEAD )try ? I do this type of thing regularly with a smile on my face and a spring in my step - its passive agressive (the only thing my MIL has ever taught me )but better than constant heartache or straight forward conflict

chegirlknowswhereyoulive Fri 23-Oct-09 12:03:20

I am getting loads of hugs on MNs lately! I may be banned if this carries on grin

LOL at the passive agressive MIL. Youd think I would be a natural at PA I was taught by the Master!

I think I am feeling a bit worn out because i know this is not even anywhere near the end of the fight for DS. It has taken me this long (in year 2) to get anywhere near statementing even though the school agreed it was an inevitable step. I feel a rubbish mum because although I know I have pushed and been involved I still dont seem to have done enough.

I know its a problem for loads of us. I also know that its a lot harder for some.

I am feeling sorry for myself. the last 6 years have been non stop battling. First DS came to us when he was 8 weeks (from family) and we had to fight for everything for him and then fight to keep him. Then a year later DD got sick and we had two years of fighting to keep her alive and making sure she got everything she needed, sadly we lost her. Now it seems that DS's problems are more serious than first thought and I just dont have the energy for any more bloody battling. It doesnt suit me and I dont like it. OH has MS its hard for him to be with me 100% and I hate stressing him.
Oh crap I am getting all wimpy now.

I am sure its not down to the TA ! Hormones probably.

moosemama Fri 23-Oct-09 12:16:01

We have similar issues with ds1 and are only just dipping our toe in the water of getting him assessed for ASD. His teacher has been off sick since week 2 and he has had a supply teacher who just smiles, nods and ignores me when I try to raise the matter with her.

Could you make an appointment to see the SENCO and ask if they can set up an IEP where there is an agreement for them to help him 'manage' his paperwork/letters etc.

That's what we are about to do. His teacher last year suggested we have a meeting with the SENCO as she could help to set systems in place that would work around the problems we were having. (She then backed off when we tried to organise it, probably due to realising if she left it until this term he wouldn't be a infant school problem any more.)

Ds1 has just gone into juniors this year and they are expected to be a lot more self-sufficient. Well ds1 'can't' be more self-sufficient, he's not lazy, not awkward, not forgetful, he's just genuinely unable to do it. His maths teacher in particular is very hard on him reagarding remembering to bring home homework etc and its really starting to knock his confidence.

I was told that the SENCO is there to help assist any/all children that are struggling with aspects of school life regardless of whether they have been assessed or have a dx. I am going to approach it from the angle that both the school and dh and I want ds1 to do well at school and ds1 himself is keen to do his best, so it would be in everyone's best interests if they could work out some sort of support system for him.

I shall be furious if they won't agree to help as they still have ds2 on the SN list at school as his worked slipped after a serious illness last year. He is now equal to most and ahead of some of the children in his class, but the SENCO wouldn't take him off the list as "they usually prefer to keep them on for at least the duration of two IEPs". So I have one child that doesn't need it with a pathetic IEP that quite frankly he had achieved before they could type it up and another that needs an IEP yet has been overlooked. hmm angry

moosemama Fri 23-Oct-09 12:18:02

Oh, cross posted with you. Have a hug off me as well. smile I haven't had it anywhere near as tough as you and it still reduces me to tears sometimes.

chegirlknowswhereyoulive Fri 23-Oct-09 12:42:31

Moose - thank you. We all have our struggles there are plenty who are dealing with a whole lot more than me.

DS has IEPs but your idea about including more practical things is a very good one.

BalloonSlayer Fri 23-Oct-09 13:13:30

Hugs from me too chegirl.

My advice would be to make an appointment with the teacher on a different day to parents evening to discuss DS's progress.

Make it clear that:

- you both want to be there
- you cannot make any of the times left over
- you would have been able to make other times on the list but did not get a letter because DS needs supervision to make sure he brings letters home and he did not get this, so you missed the chance.

Having to schedule this extra meeting will inconvenience the teacher, and I strongly suspect that he (it is a he, IIRC?) will in future 'encourage' the TA to make sure your letters come home with DS.

saggyhairyarse Fri 23-Oct-09 13:36:11

Definitely tell your teacher what you have said here and tell the SENCO and the HT and get this sorted as thigns will not improve unless you intervene (I don't think).

Good luck!

chegirlknowswhereyoulive Sat 24-Oct-09 15:58:27

<sigh> Just checked out DS's half term homework.

Its says that the class has been reading a book in class all week and gives 10 questions to answer on the book. No book is included. DS is expected to remember the details of the book with no visual clues.

Do-able for most 6 and a half year olds but DS cannot remember the days of the week yet! How is he supposed to remember things that he may not of heard/understood in the first place? I could cry. It seems that they have just been treating him the same all this time, I thought they were taking things into account.

I will try and get the book from the library. Its not really the point is it?

I think I need to start writing notes in his homework book.

Vallhala Sat 24-Oct-09 16:06:23

The others here have all the advice and wisdom, I can only offer hugs and a bit of understanding perhaps. My neice has an auditory processing disorder and I know how hard it is to A. Get things over to her so she comprehends and remembers and B. Convince others that this beautifully polite, quiet, well behaved little girl HAS these problems and NEEDS that extra bit of help.

<Hugs and best wises for brighter days ahead>

MayorNaze Sat 24-Oct-09 16:10:33

keep going back to school again and again and again. it sucks, it really does and its not easy to keep doing but eventually you will be heard. if the homework is too difficult - don't do it and write a note explaining exactly why it hasn't been done.

dd1 is in y3 and cannot read or write independently - as the rest of the class can she is constantly being set things way beyond her. at the mo i am in there almost weekly with some sort of issue so understand how frustrating it is to feel like no-one is taking any notice of you

keep going. your ds is lucky to have you to fight for him

chegirlknowswhereyoulive Sat 24-Oct-09 17:34:48

Thanks Val and Mayor

I have a feeling this thread could run and run.

I think one of the problems is that he is very quiet and well behaved at school. If he was more disruptive I think they would do more. I am GLAD he is good BTW but I dont think it will last TBH.

nellie12 Sat 24-Oct-09 17:53:00

You say that he has a diagnosis? My dnephew has aspergers and sil was told by the specialist nurse that under the disability act he had to be included by the school.

What you describe sounds very much like exclusion of your ds so if they are taking no notice of constant polite reminders I would be tempted to look up the disability act and start mentioning that.

I do feel for you, its just a constant battle when dc have a disability [fed up emoticon]

cory Sat 24-Oct-09 17:57:27

I would speak to the head in the passive agressive fashion suggested by sharpy, and if you get no joy invoke the Disability Discrimination Act. Under this Act the school is obliged to make reasonable adjustment to make sure that ds does not miss out on learning or on school-related activies compared to his peers because of anything to do with his disability.

They can hardly claim that for a TA to remember to help him to put a piece of paper in his bag does not constitute reasonable adjustment, and it is clear that if he is not able to take notes home to you, he will be missing out on school-related activities. So all neatly covered by the Act.

mmrred Sat 24-Oct-09 18:04:32

Even if they think it's important to try getting him to be independent, surely it's not beyond them to send a letter each term with the important stuff on? They can't just decide one day to have a parents evening the next day. Also, have they got a website you can check for up and coming events?

CarGirl Sat 24-Oct-09 18:16:41

Chegirl I'm considering treating for my APD from a practioner who has trained in INPP & johansen sound therapy, he's treated my dd for her auditory issues

not cheap but it's made a huge difference.

doubleexpresso Sat 24-Oct-09 18:33:21

YANBU. You have every right to feel fed up and frustrated. We've been through this. It made my blood boil. We kept missing things because we didn't know about them. They didn't seem to realise that the only way I'd know if there was a letter (and therefore know the information) was if I got the blardy letter. But, I never got the letter. angry I feel every sympathy. Go in and make them see sense.

Wonderstuff Sat 24-Oct-09 18:34:46

Haven't read every post but
YANBU at all. TA was really rude and I would have a chat/write a letter to the SENCO. I really hope things get easier for you soon.

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