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to feel really let down on a grand scale

(52 Posts)
nikkibig Fri 23-Oct-09 10:56:47

Hi, I'm getting married in 2 weeks time smile My hen do was last weekend. We had arranged a weekend away in London. Saw a show Fri night, health spar Sat morning, nice meal, night out then home on Sunday. It had been months in the planning and arranging.

I had invited 11 of my good, close friends. The week running up to the hen weekend, 4 pulled out, with, to be fair, genuine reasons. I felt a bit down that I would miss their good company but understood.

Then on the Wednesday, another 2 pulled out with lame excuses (suddenly realized they couldn't afford to go was main reason hmm ).

Then on the Friday morning, hours before we set off, 2 others say they'd decided to "leave it this time" as they felt it wouldn't be much of a "do" after so many others had pulled out. I left for London that afternoon with my sister, cousin and 1 best friend.

We had a good time and the 3 that came made an extra effort for me seeing as so many had let me down smile

The ones that didn't come did apologize but didn't seem to think it was that much of a deal and are now acting like nothing happened, all jolly and happy and seem totally oblivious to how much they've hurt me.

I can't help but feel totally let down on so many levels and incredibly hurt. These are not acquaintances, these are, or so I though, long term, good, trustworthy friends.

I can't seem to let go of the anger and grudge that I'm holding against the ones who let me down. I told them how utterly disappointed and hurt I was that they were not coming. I'm so cross I don't even want to see them in the bloody wedding hmm

I've just had the photos printed in Boots and I've realized how depressed I look in every photo sad

OrmIrian Fri 23-Oct-09 10:58:54

"2 others say they'd decided to "leave it this time" as they felt it wouldn't be much of a "do" after so many others had pulled out."

That is inexcusable! I am so sorry.

nikkibig Fri 23-Oct-09 10:59:06

Sorry forgot to add that my DF thinks I should just let it go, but I'm struggling to do so. WWYD?

MadameDuBain Fri 23-Oct-09 11:00:27

You poor thing! At least you know who really is there for you and you can't really blame the first 4. But I would have felt horribly hurt too.

Hen nights are the devil's work IMO - a ripe breeding ground for upset and resentment. Try to remember what this whole thing is really about is you getting married and your relationship with your DP - the rest is just frills.

overmydeadbody Fri 23-Oct-09 11:01:07

YABU sorry

Just because it was a big deal to you doesn't make it a big deal to everyone else. So what if it was your hen do? What does that mean anyway?

Hen dos are the work of the devil.

BPiggy Fri 23-Oct-09 11:02:42

Tell them that you don't want them to come to the wedding. It's your big day and you absolutely have the right to be happy. If you think for one second that by them being there your going to be angry and miserable then uninvite them. Don't be worried about they will feel, they didn't care about how you would feel on your hen night when they let you down.

have a fabulous day and I hope you have a long and happy marriage.

overmydeadbody Fri 23-Oct-09 11:03:02

They should have told you when you first invited them that they wouldn't be able to afford it though, they should not have left it till the last minute.

But it is hard to tell a friend you cannot afford something they want you to go to with them.

Arsed Fri 23-Oct-09 11:03:58

It sounds like to was going to cost a fair amount.

Twice last year i was invited to hen nights that I literally could afford to go to. And both time the bride got the hump hmm

I think yabu to expect people to be able to come but yanbu to be pissed off that they've let you down at the last minute if they told you they would.

overmydeadbody Fri 23-Oct-09 11:04:10

How much would thay have had to fork out if they had attended this Hen Do?

diddl Fri 23-Oct-09 11:05:55

YANBU to feel let down.

But I suppose it´s happened & you have to let it go if you want to remain friends.

Your hen night sounds the sort of thing I would haved loved to go to.

Arsed Fri 23-Oct-09 11:06:22

Could NOT afford to go to I mean.

Sils was £80 just for the meal... I'd have thought that was taking the piss even if i could have afforded it tbh.

OrmIrian Fri 23-Oct-09 11:07:58

Cost is an issue of course but the ones who decided not to go at the last minute because all the others had pulled out are taking the piss big time.

MadameDuBain Fri 23-Oct-09 11:08:08

I really wouldn't uninvite anyone - that way lies horrendous lifelong feuds. Just have a nice wedding and focus on what matters - your DP, your closest friends who were there for your hen do, your dress Be cool about it. If you are forgiving and gracious, you may well find people apologise and you make up.

nikkibig Fri 23-Oct-09 11:10:43

OMDB "so what if it was your hen do?" Well, seeing as we've all been good friends for many years, I'd think they might actually give a fuck hmm

They would have had to pay for the show, health spa, meal, drinks and night out. I had pre-arranged transport there and back, and had arranged to stay in a member of familys home (they were abroad at the time and kind enough to let us stay there). FWIW, all my friends are working and earn £28k and up. This do had been arranged 4 months in advance.

nikkibig Fri 23-Oct-09 11:13:06

Oh and our meal was in a nice pub, just a standard pub meal. I for one had pasta and a glass of white wine, it was less than a tenner blush

BrokkenHarted Fri 23-Oct-09 11:18:51

YANNNNNBU to be irritated by the last two. That was totally out of order.
YANBU to be irritated by the two announcing on wed that they couldnt afford to go (because they left it so late to say) but dont hold it against them.
First four you shouldn't even be irritated by. if you are YABU

nikkibig Fri 23-Oct-09 11:20:19

BrokkenHarted - no I'm not irritated by the first 4, they had genuine reasons that I understood.

Stripycat23 Fri 23-Oct-09 11:22:43

YANBU to be hurt that you were let down at the last moment. Perhaps though it cost too much for your friends and they didn't want to tell you? I'm thinking maybe YABU to ask for a huge do, but then they agreed to it initially. hmm

Can you have another mini one with a meal/drinks for everyone to come to?

BrokkenHarted Fri 23-Oct-09 11:24:04

Then i dont think YABU at all.

WuktersDarkLair Fri 23-Oct-09 11:26:01

Hen do's grr. Putting me off getting married tbh and I've been engaged for ages.

Though I think YABU for the hmmface regarding the ones who couldn't afford it. I know its a kick that they let you down so late, but peoples finances are so precarious now. Maybe something unexpected turned up. You don't know.

I hope you enjoyed it with your A* friends anyway

nikkibig Fri 23-Oct-09 11:30:48

Hi Stripycat23, to be honest I really don't want another do (one was bad enough! grin )

I really can't understand the justification that it was too expensive. The health spa had already been payed for 4 months in advance (not even my idea, I have a baby so I was more than happy to have a lie in!) but they all insisted it would be a nice treat. I had arranged lifts there and back, I'd sorted out free over night accommodation for the both nights, we had a cheap meal in a pub and the show tickets were 50% off. They lead sociable and very comfortable lifestyles for the record. Not relevant usually, but I feel it's worth mentioning on this occasion.

TheDemonicButDandyLioness Fri 23-Oct-09 11:35:15

YANBU.

Am irritated that people on here have said YABU because hen nights 'are the work of the devil' and are usually expensive.

That's beside the point in this case, isn't it? It comes down to basic manners to me.

Your friend wants you to come on a night that is important to HER. Doesn't matter what you think of hen nights, the point is it's special to your friend. You have the right to say no. But you say yes. Four months in advance - plenty of time to save up. Cancelling with a few days to go - unless there is a good excuse like childcare or illness - is just PLAIN RUDE.

MadameDuBain Fri 23-Oct-09 11:37:41

With that info I think even more that YANBU, but I think you need to let it go with them. It's OK to be pissed off but you really don't want bad feeling on your wedding day. Just put it down to experience - hen nights very often go wrong (I've only been to two, both involved catfights and sobbing, not involving me I hasten to add) and hopefully you'll never have to have one again.

Wukters, ffs woman just don't have one! It's your wedding.

nikkibig Fri 23-Oct-09 11:44:55

Have taken all your info on board. Thank you all. Will try and let it go.

curiositykilled Fri 23-Oct-09 11:46:24

It's very rude and rather mean but perhaps just indicative that these people are not as close to you as you feel to them. It was rather an ambitious and expensive hen do.

I would have said no from the start unless you were my sister or my very best friend. Perhaps some of the people just felt like that and didn't want to let you down and then ended up doing it anyway at the last minute which was rather unkind?

A whole weekend seeing shows and staying in london must have cost a packet and I'm not sure my husband or I would want me to pay that kind of money or leave the kids with the other one for that length of time just for someone's hen do.

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