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AIBU- SIL and childcare

(34 Posts)
johnthepong Thu 22-Oct-09 17:53:17

OK this might be a bit long but I want to get all the facts in.
I am training to be a teacher and I have a childminder who is fantastic and flexible (which is great as I dont need her when Im not in school- ). Only problem is that the childminder goes to college on a thurs eve, so the children have to be collected/dropped off early. We decided we would work it out on a week by week basis (every other week I have a free last period so its not a problem then, I can come home early), and between my parents, my husband, the next door neighbours etc, we would manage to find childcare for this hour period from 3-4pm every other thursday.
Anyway, SIL quits her job and offered to babysit for an hour every other thursday. Great. So she has done a couple of thursdays, and it was agreed that she would babysit this thursday. I was actually due to have parents evening at school tonight so she agreed she would stay until 5pm when I would be home.

HOwever, in the meantime, I found out I had all my pupils appointments finished by 3pm, so I thought I would make the opportunity of having a guaranteed child free hour whilst SIL babysat and make an appointment with the dr (long overdue but I find it impossible to go to the dr due to h working away alot and unpredictable hours). I know this is irrelevant but I really needed a dr appointment without the kids as the dr needed to check my coil.

At 3pm I got a phone call from the childminder today to say that SIL wasnt there. I was livid and went to pick the kids up myself and ended up having to take the kids to the dr with me- consequently the dr had a few stern words with me about not being able to do the examination she needed due to the kids being there.

I am so angry with SIL not being there, h rang her and finally got through to her and she said she had a flat tyre and had to pump it up thats why she was late. TBH I dont believe this- if it was a flat tyre, why couldnt she just come anyway (she lives a 5 min drive away). Or even text/call me to let me know she wouldnt be there for the kids.

H is being really pathetic and saying because she babysits for us for free then its ok, but, whilst I appreciate her babysitting for free, she needs to let us know if she isnt going to be able to do it.

Childminder was also late for college.

AIBU for being angry and thinking if you have an arrangement with someone then its common courtesy for them to let you know if they cant do it any more. angry

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne Thu 22-Oct-09 17:56:46

YANBU - if someone says they're going to do something, they should do it. If they can't for whatever reason, they should call/text to let you know.

overmydeadbody Thu 22-Oct-09 17:57:19

Shit happens.

Being angry is rather pointless really, as it won't change the past and only effects you.

Why couldn't your kids just stay in the waiting room while the doctor examined you?

overmydeadbody Thu 22-Oct-09 18:00:00

But yeah, she should have called you. Is she child-free herself?

Itsjustafleshwound Thu 22-Oct-09 18:03:00

YANBU - somehow (in my experience) it is always difficult when any family member is involved in some voluntary, on-going childcare arrangement.

If someone was relying on me, I would make sure I told them if I couldn't make it - family or not.

johnthepong Thu 22-Oct-09 18:03:05

My children are only 1 and 3 so not really old enough to leave in the waiting room, especially the 1 yr old- all the leaflets, books, etc would be all over the floor!

Yes she is childfree herself.

I appreciate being angry is pointless, I know I should just let it go but it pees me off!

Tombliboobs Thu 22-Oct-09 18:16:30


Doesn't matter if it is a favour. It is just common courtesy to let someone know if you can't make an arrangement.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 18:20:49

She should have phoned but maybe she thought it was OK to just collect late from the childminder?

Did she goto the childminders and you had already collected?

thesecondcoming Thu 22-Oct-09 18:41:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

johnthepong Thu 22-Oct-09 19:45:04

No she did not know I was planning to go to the dr- I only made the appointment when I found out I would be out of parents evening early.
Thought I would take advantage of actually having the time to go to the doctor! I needed my coil checking seeing as I have been bleeding non stop for the last 2 months. No out of hours facilities here.

She was 15 mins late but that was the time that it was crucial for her to be here. The cm was going to drop the kids off at our house (easier for thursdays as it saves somebody else faffing around with car seats). When she found there was nobody home, she took the kids back to her house-she couldnt hang around as she had another mindee who was being picked up at the same time. By the time I had picked the kids up I had to go straight to the dr and then I just kept the kids, so there was no point her coming and she just went straight home. I never saw her in the end.

I didnt set up this arrangement relying on SIL- as I said we are actually doing it on a week by week basis and trying to use different people so not relying on one person the whole time.. but she offered and kept offering- it made sense to use her as she isnt working.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 19:48:48

So your SIL went to childminders to find her not there, to yours to find you not there?

SCARYspicemonster Thu 22-Oct-09 19:55:57

Do you not all have mobiles??

johnthepong Thu 22-Oct-09 20:08:12

Childminder went to my house to find SIL not there.
CM rang me- I went and picked the children up. SIL not answering her phone.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 20:15:00

If your childminder wasn´t off to college, it wouldn´t have been such an issue,perhaps.

She could have waited the 15 mins until your SIL arrived.

As SIL doesn´t have children,and may not have known all the arrangements that were going on(?),she perhaps thought it was best just to deal with the tyre & get there ASAP.

SCARYspicemonster Thu 22-Oct-09 20:15:36

That is really crap - I would go mad at my mum if she just didn't turn up to pick up my DS even though she does it for free. Actually she just wouldn't do it. I mean if you were meant to go and collect someone's kids from school you wouldn't just be late would you?

YANBU at all, I'd be furious. I'd say she doesn't want to do it anymore and is letting you know in a particularly passive aggressive way. Certainly if she ever offered again I'd turn her down - you need someone you can rely on.

thesecondcoming Thu 22-Oct-09 20:16:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 20:18:30

Looking at OP again, you don´t believe your SIL.

Why not ?

And if she´s unreliable, you shouldn´t have let her get involved.

Ivykaty44 Thu 22-Oct-09 20:20:02

Sorry - but your gp was out of order.

alicet Thu 22-Oct-09 20:44:11

Um what I want to know is why on earth you wouldnt let your GP examine you with your children there? What did you think they would do? I had a coil check with my 2 ds's who are the same age as your dcs and they just played with toys for the minute or so that it took!

YANBU to be annoyed that SIL let you down but to be fair in most circumstances 15 mins is not that long to be late and if she has no children she might not have understood thinking that they were not going to ever be on their own.

alicet Thu 22-Oct-09 20:44:52

Actually I think YABU to not tell her that your parents evening finished in time for you to collect your dc's and ASK if you could go to the doc instead not just PRESUME

thesecondcoming Thu 22-Oct-09 20:55:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SCARYspicemonster Thu 22-Oct-09 21:40:27

What does it matter what the OP was doing? The SIL said she'd be there to collect the children and she wasn't and didn't call to let anyone know or answer her mobile. Surely that's the point?

johnthepong Thu 22-Oct-09 21:50:02

I still needed her, my last appointment with parents was at 2:45 so I wasnt guaranteed to be home by 3. As it was, the cm phoned me at 3pm and I had just finished with the parents and got to the childminders at 3:15-3:20ish- making the cm late for college.

I didnt make the choice about the exam at the dr- the dr said she wouldnt do it with them there and I had to make another appointment when they wouldnt be there. I was pretty annoyed as I had arranged the appointment so that it would be child free!

OnceWasMummyPig Thu 22-Oct-09 22:03:42

YANBU. And I would have been angry with the GP as well as the SIL. She could at the very least have texted you or the childminder to say she would have been late. I wouldn't use her again.

I also find that it's always the informal arrangements where people feel they can mess you around. I would far rather pay and know I can trust the people rather than be dropped in it.

OnceWasMummyPig Thu 22-Oct-09 22:04:43

I mean the SIL could have texted. The GP should have left it up to you whether you had the exam with kids there or not.

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