For leaving at a terrible time?(65 Posts)
Been with DP for 3 years and have been planning on leaving for the past 6 months or so because Im not happy and neither are the kids. I was planning on leaving in the October half term. (next week).
Two weeks ago though we found out that DSD (14) is pregnant. So obviously this would be the worst time possible for DP for me to walk out on him but I dont know what to do. I have been uphappy here for so long, I was looking forward to a fresh start with my kids and the thought of staying here especially with a newborn in an already cramped house fills me with dread, especially as we have never been close as it is. DP is already going on about changes that will have to occur like DSD moving into the master bedroom, us moving into the next biggest (actually quite small) and my kids having to share a box room, we giving up my job so I can look after baby while she finishes school etc and I just dont think I can do it. Do I still leave even though everyone will think its because of DSD or do I stay very unhappy here? I feel I should put my kids first and get out of this mess asap, especially before my son starts his gcses.
But I know its a terrible time to leave someone also but it was planned before I even knew about this.
I think if you were planning to leave anyway, then you'd be better getting on with it, and letting DP and DSD find their own ways of dealing with the situation. It certainly shouldn't be up to DP to decide that you will give up your job to raise the child - that might be something you could choose to do, but it's not your responsibility.
If you have planned it and are sure then you should go. Although it does sound like you partner doesnt realise there are problems so perhaps (just my opinion and no experience) you should try fixing things a little first - I just dont think I could leave someone without at least trying to fix the relationship.
I agree with aMumInScotland. It has to be your choice. Two full grown adults should certainly not give up the master bedroom for a teenager and newborn either IMHO.
It seems a bit odd though that your DP would not know that you are planning to leave with your DCs. Have you told him you are unhappy? Maybe you could work things through together?
I agree that it will be messy too, but will leaving not also be messy right before your Ds's GCSEs?
He does know I'm unhappy but thinks I exagurate how unhappy I am and thinks I will be "ok" etc. He doesn't listen and I decided to just leave without making a massive issue out of it because I know he will try and stop me but my mind is made that I dont want this relationship anymore.
The timing of the pregnancy is just an unfortunate coincidence and it could just as well have happened two weeks after you left as two weeks beforehand.
All the best for your fresh start.
if your mind is made up I would say leave as soon as possible so that he can rebuild his life with his daughter before the baby arrives.It will take time for them to adjust and stringing it out is cruel in my opinion
Maybe if you told him you were leaving he might listen? Give him an actual date, then some time to make changes if he can?
YANBU. Given your description of the situation, I would say that it should reinforce your decision to leave, rather than change it. Are your practical arrangements all in place? I presume the forward planning was needed to arrange accommodation etc? Is there a reason (e.g. violence) your DP is unaware that you will be leaving him?
I don't think people will think you're leaving because of DSD's pregnancy. I can't imagine someone saying to me,
"Did you know Jim's daughter is pregnant?"
"Yep, and Lynn's leaving him"
"Because of that?"
No. I'd probably think "Wow, Jim's having a hard time", and try and offer him support. And I'd do the same for you. But I wouldn't connect the two IYSWIM.
I think it's sad that you don't think anything will help - counselling etc - but you do sound like you've made your mind up and I can imagine how desperate the possibility of staying would then make you feel.
I'd run for the hills.
If it's not working now, it's not going to work with the pressure of a new baby in the house. Why doesn't he give up work so he can look after his grandchild?
If you're going to do it, you really need to do it soon though. It's not fair to string them along.
I get where you're coming from with him not realising how unhappy you are. I had to physically pack my bags before DH twigged how unhappy I was.
Then the best thing to do is leave, as you were planning to, and as soon as possible.
You're probably right that everyone will think you are walking out on your stepdaughter because of her pregnancy. TBH in certain quarters you are likely to come out as the villain of the piece. That isn't fair, if you truly have tried to explain things to your dp and he has belittled/ignored this - but it's best to be realistic that this will probably happen. On the other hand, your dp will know deep down that it wasn't true.
Unfortunately you have to consider whether the good opinion of those who will think badly of you is more important than your right to leave a dead relationship.
Um sorry but - first time post - dubious partner and step daughter....and a box room.....
I agree with the others.
If you were planning to leave, leave.
And anyone who thinks you have left because of the baby probably aren´t worth bothering with.
I assume there is no mother in the picture to help?
Troll? Oh - hadn't noticed any previous posts.
Didn't seem "dramatic" enough for trollage but am probably not on here enough any more to pick up on recurring details.
Well thanks, Im not a troll I have been on this site for over a year and I have never once said my DSD was horrible. The OTT troll hunting on this forum is horrible if anything. There is a name change thing for a reason. I am using for that reason. Not everyone who uses that are trolling the site. Some people need genuine help and advice and they just get accussed of mucking around. No wonder the others left when they did.
Your DP suggests YOU should give up YOUR job to look after HIS 14 year olds baby? I can't believe I read that!
And you are asking whether it would be unreasonable to leave him at this stage? Are you sure? It sounds like he should have been left years ago.
Put your own children first - they are your responsibility, not your DSD. If you are really that unhappy, go. You don't get a second shot at life and the future looks very dim if you stay.
There is someone elase who posts similar dilemmas and frustrations (albeit fictitious) and people always say the same thing- leave. So you could benefit from people answering that troll anyway, Zeuss. Nobody ever says "He sounds marvellous, yoo are lucky to have him". Ever.
BoF you always make me laugh
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.