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Am I just jealous of my sister or is she taking the mick?

(20 Posts)
fedupofthis Thu 22-Oct-09 13:35:44

Ok I think I know deep down (as others keep telling me) that this situation isn't fair... but what do you all honestly think?

My DSis and her DP are planning their wedding. My DSis assumed that my DFather would pay for it (I think he may have covered the drinks bill if she was lucky), and planned an expensive day. My DF then went through a hard time and my DMum, rather than stand up to my DSis, said that she'd have to take out a loan if my DF wasn't going to pay.

My DM wasn't forced into anything here it was her decision, but I think she said that hoping my Dsis would decline the offer seeing as the loan would be 5/6 of my DM's annual income, and my Dsis and her DP earn 4x that.

Anyway it was a lot of "if this happens..." blah blah blah and I kind of thought that my Dsis would ever take the money.

Then my Dmum unexpectedly inherited some money, and had just enough to pay her debts, pay some mortgage off which means she can afford to pay it all by the time she retires (she would have had to sell otherwise), pay for Dsis' wedding, give me a small amount, and then had to go back into her overdraft and buy food shopping with her credit card the following day.

Now I know I'm just as bad for taking a small amount from my Dmum, but we had many a teary conversation with me refusing and her saying as she was giving my Dsis X amount that she had to give me something.

Sorry for rambling there are lots of other things where my Dsis is inconsiderate. For example my Dmum's boiler broke and had to be replaced (had to use overdraft to pay for it), I think my Dsis should have given some money back but no the thought didn't even cross her mind. Also my DM is with that certain bank who plans to charge £1 a day for use of the overdraft and she is worried as she lives in hers.

I've hinted to my Dsis that perhaps our DM feels she has to pay even though she can't afford to, but my Dsis assures me that no my DM really wants to pay. I have also broached the subject with my DM who has not denied anything I have said (for my mother that is the equivalent of agreeing wholeheartedly).

Anyway here I am dreaming of a lovely wedding but never really considering it as I can't afford it and would never ask anybody else to pay for it. So part of it is jealousy as I'm not going to have this great day, but OTOH I'm slightly disgusted with my Dsis.

So, AIBU?

TheBlairSnitchProject Thu 22-Oct-09 13:39:58

Your sister is an adult on a decent wage - she should pay for her own wedding!! It's 2009 not 1959!!

It is entirely up to your Mum if she wants to contribute but she shouldn't be getting into debt to pay for your sisters wedding!

YANBU - your sister is being selfish

paisleyleaf Thu 22-Oct-09 13:40:28

I've never heard of anyone expecting their parents to pay for their wedding these days
I thought we all paid for ourselves.
Your mum sounds much like my mum.
I don't know how your Dsis sleeps at night.

etchasketch Thu 22-Oct-09 13:41:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokkenHarted Thu 22-Oct-09 13:41:19

Not really. She is being selfish. You maybe a bit jealous but i dont think you could help that.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 22-Oct-09 13:41:52

No, YANBU. Why on earth does anyone expect any parent to pay for their wedding these days? Especially if they have a higher income than the parents!

You really are going to have to be blunt with your sister, hints will not work. And whether you are jealous or not (which you don't seem to be to me) is beside the point. Your mother cannot afford this and your sister needs a reality check.

etchasketch Thu 22-Oct-09 13:42:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BiteOfFun Thu 22-Oct-09 13:42:16

I would be tempted to rip your sister off a strip to be honest.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 13:42:44

It is unfair.

But your sister can only do it as she is allowed to,IMO.

It´s up to your mum to put her foot down.

pleasechange Thu 22-Oct-09 13:42:48

she should pay for her own wedding

It's very upsetting when siblings take your parents for granted - as I pointed out recently on a thread when people were extolling the virtues of have siblings 'to help take care of your parents in older age'

fedupofthis Thu 22-Oct-09 13:43:42

Thank you I know you are right and I too don't know how she sleeps at night!

I don't want to make a big thing of it but at the same time I do?!

I don't want my mum to have missed out on this money, she could have gone round the world on lovely holidays!

Weegle Thu 22-Oct-09 13:48:23

wow, your sister's selfishness is staggering. If she were my sister I would tear her off a strip - and your feelings about wanting your own wedding are entirely understandable. I also would refuse the money from your mother - she obviously needs it.

DuelingFANGo Thu 22-Oct-09 13:51:54

Your mum can change her bank account. Is it Halifax? Search 'Halifax' and there's some info in a thread I think.

Personally I think that it's your mum who has to worry about this not you. If your mum is OK to live this way and to make these payments then it's up to her.

Your sister is selfish but it's probably better for you to not wind yourself up so much about it.

fedupofthis Thu 22-Oct-09 13:52:25

My mum said she wanted me to take my dcs to disneyworld- well I didnt have enough for that so booked a holiday elsewhere instead. This was before the boiler.

I now feel terrible that I spent the money and maybe am displacing some of my guilt onto my sister. But well I have even less money than my mum so maybe thats why I feel angry towards my sister.

fedupofthis Thu 22-Oct-09 13:55:12

I'm not really winding myself up, I've kind of accepted it ( we were always treated differently), but then my DP and others who he has told tell me I'm silly for allowing it all to happen.

I think what I'm asking really is that AIBU in not kicking up a fuss. If I do, I'm going to be the one in the wrong aren't I?

fernie3 Thu 22-Oct-09 13:58:14

your sister is being selfish, she whould either pay for the wedding herself or scale it back alot. I think its fine if parents offer to help with the cost but you cant expect them to pay it all.

sb6699 Thu 22-Oct-09 14:02:04

I think you're sis needs to realise how selfish she is being. I dont think you pointing this out to her is kicking up a fuss.

FWIW My mum, dad, MIL and grandmother all contributed a small amount to my wedding. I did not ask for anything and none of them have financial worries. If they did I would have refused their offers of help.

It is so unfair that your mum feels she HAS to contribute when it is obvious she cannot afford to especially when your sis can afford it herself. If she cant I'm afraid she has to downsize the wedding.

StrawberriesandCherries Thu 22-Oct-09 14:05:00

Has your mum given her an amount for the wedding? I think that is what a lot do today - i know i will say to dds we can give you £X amount towards the costs rather than a pressie.
Your mum has to decide what to do, all you can do is be there and support her. it would be awful if you caused a fuss and then your mum didnt back you up, you would be on your own.

fedupofthis Thu 22-Oct-09 14:06:20

My mum is worried about changing her bank account, I've looked into it for her but she isn't sure.

I've tried to offer hints of how to scale down the cost of her wedding but she doesn't listen.

She also gets annoyed when my mum "inteferes" with the guest list and I have pointed out that erm, actually, she is paying for it!

Now I'm sounding bitter I don't mean to sorry. smile

fedupofthis Thu 22-Oct-09 14:09:05

When I've duscussed it with my mum, I have suggested talking to my sister and she hasn't said not to. She said she wouldn't want to outright ask for it back but maybe I could try and get her to see my POV.

I have tried, and she can't, and my mum doesn't want to go back on her word.

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