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to object to having MIL for Xmas yet again - just because we have children??

(48 Posts)
Ceebee74 Thu 22-Oct-09 11:40:47

DH is one of 2 boys - we have 2 children, BIL and gf don't have any so we have my MIL's only GC (plus we live 10 minutes away, BIL lives the other side of the country)

This will be the 4th Christmas in a row now that MIL has come to us - whilst BIL and gf have Christmas Day to themselves or at gf's parents.

My dream Christmas would be (just once) to have a day to ourselves as a family whilst MIL goes to BIL but DH has admitted that, whilst he agrees with me that it would be lovely, he says he would feel far too guilty if MIL didn't see her GC on Christmas Day so it will never happen whilst she is still alive! Every other year, my parents come aswell (or we all go over to them) so at least I get to spend some Christmases with them - but AIBU to just want one Christmas without MIL??

Ceebee74 Thu 22-Oct-09 11:41:31

Btw, I know IAB a little bit U but just want to vent as it really frustrates me!

LittleOneMum Thu 22-Oct-09 11:44:13

I hate to say this, but I think YAB a bit U.

Bottom line: Christmas is about kids/family and I can see MIL wants to be with you. Maybe BIL and GF will have kids soon? Do you get on well with her?

Sorry, I almost wish I could have said that she is being unreasonable but I know how important seeing GCs on Xmas day is for grandparents... My ILs would cry if they could not come.

BunnyLebowski Thu 22-Oct-09 11:45:07

I know other people will say yabu but I don't think you are.

I don't think it's fair that you miss out on your ideal day with your kids and DP just to please MIL.

I am not one of these people who just goes along with things to make people happy so if it was me I'd just put my foot down.

She can see the kids on Boxing Day.

Chandon Thu 22-Oct-09 11:47:00

You are nor BU for wanting this, but you would BU to not invite her. It´s one of those facts of life you should just accept.

My mother hated her MIL, but she was with us every Christmas and i loved having my granny there.

It´s not just about you, but also about your DC and your MIL...

ginnny Thu 22-Oct-09 11:52:20

You probably are being a bit U but then I am too.
We have had FIL for about the last 3 years now. Usually I get on OK with him, but in small doses and a whole day of him in a small house is just TOO BLOODY MUCH (think Uncle Albert from Only Fools, plenty of "during the war..." stories that I've heard millions of times before!)
This year I've invited my parents, and I'm hoping he will go somewhere else (DP has 4 brothers so he has plenty of options!).
But I feel really guilty thinking that as he's a nice old boy really and he won't be around forever.
Bloody Christmas - I'm feeling bah humbug already!

Ceebee74 Thu 22-Oct-09 12:11:00

Littleonemum I think me and MIL tolerate each other rather than get on with each other iyswim - but as Ginnny has said, a whole day of her (plus she usually comes back for Boxing Day aswell) is just a little too much!!

Chandon I hadn't thought of it from my DS's pov - but tbh, she is a little too full on for DS1 (DS2 still too young) and gets in his face constantly (always asking him what he is doing etc) and when I am around, it makes him quite clingy to me which is difficult when I am trying to cook a big lunch.

Last year, she took exception because I had DS1 in the kitchen hovering round me whilst I was trying to put things/take things out of the oven oven, MIL hassling DS1...I asked her (maybe a little sharply) just to leave DS1 alone for 5 minutes (i.e. give him some space) and she told DH that she didn't appreciate being spoken to like that and DH told me I had to apologise shock

pooexplosions Thu 22-Oct-09 12:11:10

YANBU to feel like that, YABU to not have her there. For one thing your dh does not agree, so it would be unfair to him.
How about making another day your ideal family day? You could start a new family tradition of a really special christmas eve, with a special dinner, maybe open one present each...something like that?
Thats what we do, as xmas day is always at PIL's house with assorted family and often some waifs and strays with nowhere to go. Xmas eve is just for me and OH and our kids, we have a fancy dinner and other treats and such.

Ceebee74 Thu 22-Oct-09 12:12:58

Poo lovely idea but my office is open on Xmas Eve so I will have to work a lot of Xmas Eves over the next few years so no chance of having a special day on Xmas Eve sad

anniemac Thu 22-Oct-09 12:14:02

Message withdrawn

anniemac Thu 22-Oct-09 12:15:22

Message withdrawn

BunnyLebowski Thu 22-Oct-09 12:18:45

I disagree anniemac. If being selfish means getting the best xmas experience for me and my family then that's what I'd do.

I really don't understand why people put up with relatives they don't even like just because it's the done thing at xmas.

There's no chance in hell I'd tolerate FIL's misogynistic rantings or him turning his nose up at any food that didn't have the complexity of flavour of a cardboard box hmm.

Nor will I put up with MIL chainsmoking round our baby and calling her 'sexy girl' hmm hmm.

DP agrees - the way we see it it's our house, our rules.

KittyTN Thu 22-Oct-09 12:44:23

I went to PILs for the Xmas before DH and I married and had a horrible time. Made to feel very unwelcome - given a teatowel and cheap hand cream as presents. My parents always buy lovely things for DH and are v welcoming. Next Xmas DS was 2 weeks old and MIL phoned to say PIL, grandfather and BIL would come to us with the food or we could go to them (1 hour away). I declined and had just new DS, DH and me - they came day after Boxing Day. Last year my family. No mention re this year yet but have decided since PIL have grandfather living with them and a very bidable son 5 mins away from them so will not be alone, plus I will be 36/40 that I am staying put and having just DH, DS, bump and me.

Ceebee - YANBU if MIL can have a genuinely good time with BIL and gf, but YABU if she will end up alone on Xmas day.

Sassybeast Thu 22-Oct-09 12:49:23


Morloth Thu 22-Oct-09 12:51:52

You know our kids are watching us deal with our parents and inlaws and learning how to treat us when they are the adults.

Why not invite BIL and GF as well and have a biggish one?

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 12:58:51


Why can´t she go to her other son?

I don´t see why you have to have her every year.

rimmer08 Thu 22-Oct-09 13:10:39

how is it BU to expect a christmas that will please the op? when i have children i am not looking forward to the whole 'where do we go' thing at xmas because, judging by what is said on MN its a minefield

mummygirl Thu 22-Oct-09 13:11:53


She's lucky to have you living locally and can see the children fairly often. How you spend you christmas should be your choice and it's not your or DH's or BIL's job to worry about what she does at christmas. She's a big girl!

shinyshoes Thu 22-Oct-09 13:36:41

Yanbu. I'm with the OP on this one. If she dosen't want her there Xmas day why should she. It's not like the MIL is being denied access to the chilren throughout the year. The one day in the yearthe OP can get to spend the day together how they want, why should they. Even her DP says it would be nice just them. It's about time someone put their foot down and said something

anniemac Thu 22-Oct-09 13:38:43

Message withdrawn

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 17:00:42

But the MIL could go somewhere else-her other son.

And if they have children-will she then transfer all her Christmases to them?

I´m assuming that OP has no parents to go to.

pointyhat Thu 22-Oct-09 17:18:03

I always ask the kids what they want and go along with them. They always want to see relatives on Christmas day. I like the fact that my dds like spending time with their relatives.

Ceebee74 Thu 22-Oct-09 21:38:57

Sorry - only just got the opportunity to come back to this thread.

I do have parents to go to but they have 6 GC (including my 2) so spread themselves between us all wink so I usually spend every other Christmas with them (if we go to theirs, MIL has to come too <sigh>)

Can't ask the children yet - too young for that.

I would never leave her on her own - but it just frustrates me that BIL and gf get to have the Christmas they want every year and I can't even have it for one year <stamps foot> If they do ever have children, maybe things will change.....

nancy75 Thu 22-Oct-09 21:46:13

sorry yabu, its 1 or 2 days, its not as if its loads of people that you have to cook extra for. on alot of these mil threads i wonder if people ever stop to think one day they will probably be a mil - how would you feel sitting at home by yourself on xmas day because your ds' wife didnt really like you?

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 21:48:15

Perhaps her other son could invite her this year?

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