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Pregnant friend can't come to hen do.... AIBU?

(132 Posts)
Crackopenthebaileys Thu 22-Oct-09 11:37:36

I am looking for honest answers here guys, I really do want to know if IABU!

My friend, infact one of my best friends, is pregnant, and will be 39+4 weeks pregnant at my wedding. Up until recently, I have been planning a hen night in London. However, My sister has just found us a cracking deal for an all inclusive weekend to Spain, and we have decided to book it. I t will actually work out cheaper than the weekend in London! Friend is gutted, it's two weeks before she is due, so she can't fly. If I book it when she is able to fly (36 weeks at the latest) it will be a month before my wedding. Which I don't mind, but I will be worrying tremendously about her flying, her health etc etc. I am currenty getting quoted for both weekends to see if there is much of a difference.
But here is what I am upset about.... She came in to my house today in tears, saying I am leaving her out, I don't want her there, I did it by stealth (because I didn't tell her as soon as I had the idea), we didn't go away for hers so why do we have to for mine... it goes on.
Firstly AIBU to want to go to Spain, even if it means she can't come?
And AIBU to think that she's being a bit mean laying this guilt trip on me when I am supposed to be having fun planning my hen?

There is a bit of history, I don't want to reveal by stealth so here's a few facts:

She is notoriously selfish, her way or the highway. We were supposed to be going for a meal with her and OH's but because we wouldn't go where THEY wanted to go they have cancelled. We are going for drinks with other friends after (friend and her DH don't want to come for various reasons) but they won't go to the town that we are meeting at, even though it's the same restaurant hmm

I have done soooo much for her. I look after her daughter at a cheap rate (I'm a minder), have her for extra days and don't charge etc. Was bridesmaid at her wedding and organised her whole hen, it was great. Spent fortunes staying at the hotel with her the night before the wedding. it goes on. Anyway, she has just given me notice of her baby leaving at the beginning of DEC! I now have no money for my bills let alone xmas presents for my kids, her mum is going to look after the baby. But she could have waited until after xmas, her fee's are covered by tzx credits so she wouldnt have been out of pocket! grrrrr, sorry, had to add this last rant on as I don't want to reveal tit bits as I go along. I think this is relevant because I'm getting a little annoyed with her me me me attitude all the time!

bigchris Thu 22-Oct-09 11:39:39

she doesnt sound like a friend worth having tbh

Crackopenthebaileys Thu 22-Oct-09 11:42:36

wow that was a quick response!
Yes, I am starting to feel that way.
But I see her all the time, have a good laugh, can talk to her about anything, our kids are the same age and are good friends, our OH's are great mates, so you can see why we are still friends. There's good and bad in everyone, but I'm starting to lose sight of the good a little sad

womblemeister Thu 22-Oct-09 11:42:57

YANBU. YOu need to tell her where to get off, firstly by reminding her that she is about to have a baby (first?) and her life is about to change big time. A missed hen night is nothing, she'll have to get used to a smaller social life when LO arrives.

Babbit Thu 22-Oct-09 11:43:37

She is hormonal and at least she has spoken to you about it.

It is up to her when she wants to withdraw her child. It sounds like you are laying down a guilt trip tbh!

MamaG Thu 22-Oct-09 11:45:02

She's probably being a bit hormonal and is disappointed to be missing out on something she was looking forward to. Could you have a UK hen night out somewhere too? Even somewhere local?

Crackopenthebaileys Thu 22-Oct-09 11:45:44

hmmm two YANBU's. I really wasn't sure, I need perspective though because you know sometimes you can't see when you are not being fair

drlove8 Thu 22-Oct-09 11:45:51

hmm .... how long have you known her? if she's a long term (think from childhood) friend , then just put it down to her hormones... if not then shes being a bit selfish.
if you want to keep her friendship then why not suggest going for a nice lunch for her? neednt be expensive, i think she's a bit needy and wants reasured that you are still her friend.
but YANBU for wanting to go to Spain, ffs its Spain! grin

Boys2mam Thu 22-Oct-09 11:46:52

If it was my best friend getting married and planning a hen do that ultimately excluded me I would be upset. However, I would also tell her to do what she wanted as it was her 'do' and just go out with her locally to celebrate her marriage.

YANBU but then she isnt either at being upset.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 11:47:14

Well,I think if she has been looking forward to your hen night and had thought that it was going to be in England and she she would be there,then of course she´s disappointed.

And if she´s a best friend, I don´t see how you can thínk about something that excludes her?

LynetteScavo Thu 22-Oct-09 11:47:55


She is hormonal.

She may miss your weddng becuase she is having her baby, or if not will be VERY pg, and won't really enjoy it.

Now she can't come to your hen do, and hasn't been able to arrange it or be your brides maid, even though your were hers.

She has given you over a months notice that she no longer requires your childminding service...what does the contract say? You shouldn't do favours for people just becuasee they are when it comes to your buisness, so I think you should have charged her full fees.

Go to Spain if you want to, but plan something special she can join in with too.

WartoScreamo Thu 22-Oct-09 11:49:35

You sound a bit bridezilla to me sorry! Sounds like you fancy going to Spain, and are then making a list of your friend's failings so you don't feel guilty about upsetting her!

If this is really one of your best friends, do you not think it is really insensitive to re-organise a hen night that she CAN'T go on?

womblemeister Thu 22-Oct-09 11:49:44

Your hen night = your decision. Her baby = her number one priority (or should be). Can understand why she might be upset but really, you can't have everything.

SmallSCREAMCap Thu 22-Oct-09 11:49:46

Hmm, I think you are both coming into a time when you want to feel like you are the special one and it's clashing a bit. You each want the other to be the one BU.

I can see both sides. It's wrong of her to think that you are leaving her out by stealth, but she may be feeling vulnerable - late pregnancy can feel quite lonely.

It's also unrealistic of you to hope that she will treat you the way that you treated her for her hen do - circumstances change.

If you feel like you are doing too much for this friend and getting nothing in return, ask yourself why you keep plugging away at it and then scale back both your expectations and how much you give to her.

Crackopenthebaileys Thu 22-Oct-09 11:50:16

MamaG we have planned a night out in UK for all the people who can't come away for whatever reason. I've told her this, it will be a nice meal and a few drinks somewhere local.
Babbit, I found out about her withdrawing the baby after these plans were underway. So I hope that I am not influenced by that. I know that it's up to her, but considering how much I have helped her, and that it wont actually make a difference to her financially for one month, she could have thrown me a bit of slack do you not think?
Agree Womble, I don't think she can see beyond her own disappointment tbh

womblemeister Thu 22-Oct-09 11:50:17

what i meant was SHE can't have everything.

CoffeeMum Thu 22-Oct-09 11:53:58

I think she's being unreasonable and you're not at all. I would suggest some kind of activity in the UK with her until she threw a tantrum which would make me less inclined to offer! I must admit, i'm not a big fan of hen dos abroad because I think they ask alot from your friends in terms of money and time, but you should do something that you want to do for your hen do, but still accept that some may not be able to attend. However, she made the choice to get pregnant, and there are limitations that go with that choice. I'm currently pregnant and have had to miss two hen nights [exhaustion] and decline two wedding invitations [too close to due date]. Yes i'm disappointed, but quite honestly, i've made my choice and i'm happy to live with the implications. Essentially, she wants to dictate your hen night activity, and that's not on.

As for the other complaints - she does sound quite selfish socially which would annoy me. Maybe time to distance yourself a bit if it really gets to you?

However, she can take her baby out of your care whenever she wants [assuming she's given you proper notice] - this is the problem with mixing business and friendship i guess. I'd think seriously about minding a friend's child again because of possible complications if it was me.

Have a great time on your hen night.

CoffeeMum Thu 22-Oct-09 11:55:27

Just seen that you already have a UK night out planned - there you go, she can come to that, sorted!

Still think she's allowed to take her baby out of your care whenever she wants though - but given her general attitude, and all you've done for her, i can see why it's especially annoying coming from her.

prettyfly1 Thu 22-Oct-09 11:56:11

I think you have two aibu in one there.

YANBU to want your hen party where you want it. Its your night - enjoy.

YABU to try to dictate whom she leaves her child with and since when. Yes you have helped her out but she does pay you something, and if she wants to change she has every right to do so. You chose to be self employed which means this sort of thing happens regardless of time of year. Also she has given you a month and a half notice which is EXTREMELY reasonable of her.

RainRainGoAway Thu 22-Oct-09 11:56:56

I think you should have your hen where YOU want it!
Equally, I can see why she would be disappointed. How about suggesting a girlie spa day away for a few months after she has the baby so she can enjoy the time away from the DCs and also have a drink and a laugh.

I have no idea why she would want to go to a hen whilst PG. I HATED stone cold sober hens when everyone else stopped making sense half way through the day.

Crackopenthebaileys Thu 22-Oct-09 11:58:04

There's a lot of responses here, please don't think I am ignoring you if I don't respond to you personally, I am taking all comments on board.
Wartoscreamo, that did make me laugh, I'm the least Bridezilla person you're ever likely to meet. I keep on telling OH to arrange the wedding and I'll just turn up grin
Your other comment made me think though. Is it insensitive? I have a circle of about 6 very close friends, who I would consider by best friends in the world. I will never have a hen do again (hopefuly wink) so should I really do soemthing that I'm not as keen on so that one friend can come?
Also, I don't blame her for being upset, but a little descretion to spare my feelings wouldn't have hurt. I haven't told her how much in the shit financially because I don't want to lay a guilt trip on her!

Crackopenthebaileys Thu 22-Oct-09 12:00:19

I'm starting to agree with the responses re her child leaving my care. It doesn't stop me from being a bit hurt that she doesn't care a little more I guess.

prettyfly1 Thu 22-Oct-09 12:00:20

Crack open I dont think you can lay a guilt trip on her. She pays you (albeit less then market rate) for a service and she doesnt want to use that service any more. Its tough. I totally agree with you on the spain thing but the childminding thing I dont agree with AT ALL.

Crackopenthebaileys Thu 22-Oct-09 12:01:03

Girlie spa day sounds appealing.....

Emprexia Thu 22-Oct-09 12:02:08

having been in your friends position and been completely excluded from my (then) BFFs wedding and Hen Night because i was within weeks of giving birth.. i have to say. YABU.

But then i may be projecting as i'm still very hurt over the whole thing and feel like i was shoved out of the picture because i had the audacity to be pregnant and due on her wedding day.

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