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AIBU to expect some interest at all in my newborn DD from my own brothers???

(21 Posts)
NotAnOnlyChild Thu 22-Oct-09 09:49:24

I had DD2 2 and a bit weeks ago. I don't live near my parents but my oldest brother (of two) lives 50 miles away, an easy motorway trip, does not work 9 to 5, and has not yet been to visit.
He called last week, was so disengaged in the 'conversation' that I actually had to say 'hello?' to check he was still there. Then a few days later he called and invited us to make the trip to their house for lunch. Whilst I always appreciate the offer of lunch is it simply not done to expect the people with the newborn who are breastfeeding and/or sleep deprived to make the trip?? My sister in law who doesn't drive professes to be dying to see my DD. She said she'd try and organise with my brother to come and see me yesterday or today. It's today. I have emailed and left a mobile message to see if they are coming but no one has replied.
My other brother has a better excuse living 200 miles away but has not called to ask how I am, or how she is, just sent a text when we announced her name.
I'm gutted for my daughter that my close family don't seem to give a crap about her arrival!
I'm seriously considering cutting myself off from them - not in a 'never speaking to them again' sort of way but no longer making any effort since it is never reciprocated. I just can't deal with these negative thoughts that stem from these interactions any more.

redllamayellowllama Thu 22-Oct-09 10:02:58

YANBU to want them to be involved, but YABU to expect them to be dropping everything to be with you.

I had exactly this and with two sisters who lived within a mile. DS is nearly 1 and I need to give them a good poke to get them to come over and get involved. You don't mention whether they have children themselves. My sisters don't and, whilst they love their nephew dearly, without having had children themselves, they couldn't appreciate in the early days how much I could have done with them being around. I didn't ask them to come over and had spent a stupid amount of time before the birth stating that we 'wouldn't be taking visitors for at least two weeks' (I was seriously overdue, grumpy and irrational). It was only after having DS that I realised how much I wanted them around. You are absorbed in your DD, quite rightly, and they aren't.

Helloall Thu 22-Oct-09 10:08:23

Sending you big hugs.

I have two brothers who are relatively useless. BUT they were like that before I had children. They also have kind hearts so I sort of forgive them. They would (still do) turn up hours late, even when babysitting. They always forget birthdays. But when I see them (which I have to organise) I can see how happy they are to see my children. Also now my oldest is 7 they take him out and he really enjoys their company.

What is your relationship normally like? Can you speak to your mum/dad about it - maybe they need a poke.

It is sad that you are experiencing this when you should be feeling elated -

I know you feel they should make the effort but sometimes people worry about overcrowding the new baby - as in they might presume you have had so many visitors. It is a sensitive area.

Do you think they will be better when your little one is a bit older? Cousins etc? BBQ's.

My own DH is rubbish with his own sister - I have to prod and poke him to make sure he sends her birthday cards on time - invite them over.

Sometimes wish I had a sister -

Lots of love - you are not alone.

BouncingTurtle Thu 22-Oct-09 10:16:13

I think possibly BU.

I am assuming neither of your brothers have kids?

I also have 2 brothers(DTB1 & DTB2), and they took very little interest in my ds when he was first born - I do live over 200 miles away from them.

However when we all went on holiday together for my mum's 60th birthday in July, they and DTB1's DP had a brilliant time with my DS, they played with him loads.

I just think some people don't get interested in their nieces and nephews until they become active toddlers - they probably don't know what to do with a tiny baby DH's DB on the other hand was much more interested, but then he had 2 kids of his own at the time (now 4!). So he was used to babies.

Don't take it personally Just make it clear that they are welcome to come and visit their niece. If they don't have kids they have no idea what life is like with a newborn so cut them a bit of slack! But at the same time make it clear to them what is and isn't practical.

Congratulations, btw!

redskyatnight Thu 22-Oct-09 10:21:10

No. of brothers I have = 2
no. of brothers DH has = 1

Amount of interest shown in newborn DS = not much

They did all manage to visit in about the first month or so but it was very much on the "when they got round" to it sort of basis.

Unfortunately other people's babies are not the highest priority for a lot of other people (even if the other people are close relatives).

pointyhat Thu 22-Oct-09 10:21:59

Do they not have children? If not, it doesn't surprise me at all. Your child will not impact on their day to day life and they possibly have very little interest in babies.

Re you r sil - does she want a baby? Maybe she does and finds it hard to be around tiny babies. Who knows.

Some siblings are rubbish at doing the caring, considerate stuff but they don't mean to be unkind. Don;t be hasty in your actions.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 10:26:43

I think you´re being very oversensitive.

If they´d all come running on the first day you might have complained about that!

As for travelling to see your brother for lunch-that´s up to you.

As far as I know there are no "rules" about who travels to whom!

Morloth Thu 22-Oct-09 10:27:43

They are caught up in their own lives and while having a baby is a world stopping event for the parents it isn't really that exciting for most other people.

Why don't you give them a call and invite them offer for a specific visit? Don't worry about who should being doing what, if you want to see your brothers invite them over.

Kathyis12feethighandbites Thu 22-Oct-09 10:31:44

I wouldn't worry about it, they're brothers after all.
Some men are broody and like babies, some aren't and don't. Don't take it personally.

cantmummyhaveabreak Thu 22-Oct-09 10:33:17

Sorry- i know how it feels but i still think YABU- i had DD2 (DC3) earlier this year and my own parents who live 5miles away have only ever made the effort to visit us once or twice - the rest of the time its us going to them.

cantmummyhaveabreak Thu 22-Oct-09 10:37:35

sorry- meant to also say i think YABU becuase not everyone feels the same way about your DD as you do. Especially men- brother or not, they aren't normally too bothered about DC's!!

TigerFeet Thu 22-Oct-09 10:39:25

My brothers are both single and childless and aren't particularly interested in the recent arrival of dd2. It doesn't bother me tbh, babies aren't that interesting to a lot of people. You'll probably find that they will have a better relationship as your baby gets older. 5yo dd1 has great fun with her uncles when she sees them.

LadyOfTheFlowers Thu 22-Oct-09 10:40:14

My brothers are 19 and 24 and take more interest when the baby can 'do' things - make noises, smile etc. Not before then though.

They are like 'Great the baby's out, when you can you come back out on the razz?!'

YouKnowHumanBonesCrunch Thu 22-Oct-09 10:44:31

Men can be rubbish. DH's brother hasn't even called to congratulate us since dd was born (almost 6 months ago). It's not a problem. He'll probably remember to send something at Christmas - if he doesn't it wouldn't be an issue - but he wouldn't realise what having a new baby is like or just how much she is the centre of everything in our lives at the moment.

It's hard to accept that the person most important and wonderful to you, is just another baby to some people. But it's not personal. And it doesn't mean they won't be great uncles when they can interact.

mumeeee Thu 22-Oct-09 11:01:17

Congratulations. YABU and a bit over sensitive.

NotAnOnlyChild Thu 22-Oct-09 12:18:06

Thanks all. The oldest one does have kids, who I spent a lot of time, and resources on (not that I begrudge that, just part of the background).
I wish I hadn't now moaned about this to my mum as she's now worried none of her kids get on. sad

YouKnowHumanBonesCrunch Thu 22-Oct-09 12:43:12

Don't worry Notan, call her up and make light about how you're feeling a bit hormonal at the moment, and you just wanted to see your brothers - but now with a bit of perspective you can see you were a bit OTT smile I'm sure she'll understand.

madamearcati Thu 22-Oct-09 12:50:33

One of my brothers lives 5 miles away and didn't see my youngest until she was a month old and we bumped into him in a supermarket.

Alarielle Thu 22-Oct-09 16:52:24

YANBU but 2 weeks is a relative short amount of time. They may be giving you some time to get on your feet but I understand how eager you are to show them your baby, it's only natural. Give it a little bit of time.

Saying that, one of my brothers lives a few hundred yards away and he has never visited my baby who is now 9 months old. I don't even know why.

flyingmum Thu 22-Oct-09 17:06:54

Congratulations!

I think you are being a wee bit sensitive. If it is any consolation my sister didn't see DS2 until he was about 18 months old. I think she only saw DS1 because they had to come to the christening when he was 3 months because her hubby was a godparent. Neither of my two sisters has ever offered to look after the kids (they don't live nearby though) and to be honest I don't expect them too. Neither have children and they just don't 'get' children - haven't got a clue. We all get on when we are together and the together bits last for only a short time a couple times a year at the maximum. It's not ideal but hey its better than interfereing sisters or competitive sisters.

The only time it's ever really bothered me is the grim moment when you have to appoint a legal guardian in case DH and I both roll of the perch simultaneously. My mother keeps chuntering on that sister 2 would be brilliant (large house, intelligent, would be able to deal with DS1s SEN on an intellectual basis) but did shut up a bit about it when I pointed out that DS2 can't remember her name!

Your sister in law sounds nice. Perhaps you could go and see her when baby is a month to six weeks. She sounds like she could be useful to you in the future.

flaminhell Thu 22-Oct-09 17:19:15

i think the problem when we have with our dc is that they are so loved and adored by us, we cant wait to meet them, and fall madly in love, but it just not the same for others. My brothers didnt give a fig when my dc were born, it didnt bother me, its just the way it is, dont let it get to you, they arent doing it to hurt you, they are just getting on with their lives. Congratulations.

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