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To be annoyed by concerned friends asking when I'm going wean

(33 Posts)
dorisbonkers Wed 21-Oct-09 15:43:10

Well, of course I'm not. But I'm finding it so deeply annoying that instead of supporting me at a vulnerable time (going through a very sleepless period, bit depressed, struggling to adjust returning to the UK) they imply that I'm being ridiculous, or somehow pusillanimous or even ruining my daughter's health by continuing to breastfeed her. She's only a year old FFS and I'm happy to feed her and love doing it. Especially if I've had a bad day, which I'm having a few of recently.

I am having some issues relating to co-sleeping and night feeding while she's teething/ill but I'm hurt by comments that by not sorting out the sleep with controlled crying or some other method right now I'm stunting her intellectual development.

Even my mother, who breastfed me for a year, makes bitty comments. And I get the feeling my best friend is projecting some sense of failure over her short breastfeeding career.

I usually have a thick skin. But feeling the way I do, and on so little sleep, I'm losing my perspective.

ARGH angry

stellamel Wed 21-Oct-09 15:46:58

pusillanimous - fantastic word, had to look it up! blush

I have no answer other than your baby your choice - she may well be a touch jealous, as a failed BF mum myself I always feel envious of others who can do it so successfully.

Just smile and ignore them

stellamel Wed 21-Oct-09 15:47:57

sorry sounded pithy, didn't mean it too!

You are not damaging your baby intellectually or otherwise

hanaboo Wed 21-Oct-09 15:48:17

do what suits you! end of argument! if u and dd are happy with the arrangement then its no one elses business

dorisbonkers Wed 21-Oct-09 15:52:41

Thanks. To be fair, with my very fair hat on, I suppose I've complained about sleep and several friends have said I need to knock the feeding on the head to achieve it.

But my best friend (who has always used nannies and Gina Ford) has really been hurtful -- saying that I'm creating a monster who will know no boundaries

And my mum says every time I speak to her "well, you can stop now can't you.'

It's complicated isn't it. Breastfeeding for me has been a long and hard road and I just feel I'm not ready to turn off it. As for my daughter, she's mad for it. I spent most of last night with a boob in her mouth -- not ideal of course, but stopping doesn't seem to be the answer to that.

iwascyteenagewerewolf Wed 21-Oct-09 15:55:36

Tell them all to feck orff grin

MorrisZapp Wed 21-Oct-09 15:59:51

If you don't want people to offer up suggestions and ideas when you tell them your problems, then don't tell them your problems - simples.

iwascyteenagewerewolf Wed 21-Oct-09 16:00:14

Or, if you're feeling more charitable, tell them you are looking for support first and foremost and that advice will only be tolerated if it comes wrapped in a lot of tea/cake/sympathetic patting/your vice of choice.

It does piss me off, this sort of thing (am PMSing at the moment so in fairness everything pisses me off). If your best friend's husband was having an affair, you wouldn't say to her 'it's your fault for not looking after yourself/putting out enough/indulging his fetish for smelly socks' or what have you. You would try and have a conversation about it and be kind to her.

dorisbonkers Wed 21-Oct-09 16:00:49


That will leave me with no friends or family! But yes, mentally I do ignore them. Just hurt they can't see I'm struggling a bit right now and need a nice sit down and a 'there, there', not a fucking earbashing about what a precious, silly hippy I've become!

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 16:01:08

I bfed mine for a year, but by then they would feed last thing at night, sleep through & feed again in the morning.

Is your baby having only breastmilk?

dorisbonkers Wed 21-Oct-09 16:04:15

Morriszapp - putting my less fair hat on, I don't really pour out my troubles to my mum or my best friend but have mentioned it in passing.

They mention it far more than I mention it. Seems something I am doing, or my style of parenting (which is different to theirs, it has to be said) is winding them up. I just sense this.

I don't have a pram and everyone KEEPS sodding joking that I'm going to break my hips, fall over, or offering me prams or asking when I'm buying one. Without me ever saying anything.

(Am going to take up an offer of a pram soon though, as my hips are about to give way!)

dorisbonkers Wed 21-Oct-09 16:06:09

diddl - no, she has been BLW from 7 months and took to it really well. She's still a little thing (under the 9th centile) but not one HCP either in Singapore or in UK has said she's anything but really healthy.

I meant 'wean' as in wean off the breast.

MorrisZapp Wed 21-Oct-09 16:07:24

Maybe they think they know you well enough to make jokes about prams, I dunno. I'd say anything to my sister - there are no taboo subjects and that goes both ways.

You say you are struggling with your hips so I suppose it isn't an unfair comment to make? Or was that a joke, sorry.

dorisbonkers Wed 21-Oct-09 16:13:04

It was a joke. But although my daughter's little, I will probably need a pram at some point.

The ones who comment about the pram are other mothers in my apartment building. I've not known them long as I've only been back in the UK for 6 months. I just sense that they think I'm being ridiculous. And that annoys me. Live and let live, eh?

JustAnotherManicMummy Wed 21-Oct-09 16:14:49

Are you co-sleeping and feeling guilty about it?

I used to think we had problems with DS sleeping but that was because I though he should really be in the cot. Since I got over that little issue and now deliberately co-sleep I find DS and I get all the sleep we need and he gets his boob grin

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 16:15:30

Well, if you´re happy I can´t see the problem, tbh.

She´ll probably wean herself off as she takes more solid food and bmilk just becomes a drink!

I remember replacing gradually with cows milk.

salbysea Wed 21-Oct-09 16:16:19

hmmm maybe you usually take jokey comments well but they are affecting you more than they realize at the mo because you're generally feeling fragile!

I have learnt not to vent to certain people because they try to fix the situation in a very black and white way! I'm sure they mean well but its F-ing annoying! so they get 'happy face' and I pour my heart out to mum friends who just nod and say "yeah its a bit $hit isn't it!"

MorrisZapp Wed 21-Oct-09 16:16:54

Maybe they think, that woman doesn't have a pram, I'll offer her my old one?

All you have to do is say no thanks.

Sorry if I sound nitpicky but it just seems that you want to take everybody's comments in the worst possible interpretation.

MorrisZapp Wed 21-Oct-09 16:20:48

Must admit I'd find it difficult or even impossible to listen to a friend tell me about their problems without making any comment other than 'yes that's awful'.

Surely it is just human nature, and the spirit of friendship, to offer suggestions that might be helpful?

Or does that all vanish after childbirth, when chatty friends are suddenly seen as horrible, criticising judgeypants.

Makes me scared to say anything to anybody with kids in case they take it the wrong way.

salbysea Wed 21-Oct-09 16:22:42

re the pram - people are always trying to off load their old baby clutter, I think everyone gets that! as soon as they get wind that you dont have something they'll try to off load onto you. Its nice when you need something and you're on a budget but a PITA when you receive stuff that you didnt ask for/want and just end up storing it till you can return it (or dumppass it on to someone else grin)

I dont think you should take it personally, everyone does it!

salbysea Wed 21-Oct-09 16:26:21

its all about how its worded!

"you should..."
"dont you do X, Y or Z??"
"Thats because you...."
"if you did X they wouldnt do Y"


"a friend of mine found X useful with her kids"
"have you heard of Y? might be worth a go?"
"gosh I dunno? maybe its because of X, Y or Z??"

dorisbonkers Wed 21-Oct-09 16:36:16


I'm trying hard not to be a nasty, miserable judgeypants. And yes, it's hard to just say 'that's awful', without. This is largely unsolicited.

They say things like 'For god's sake, WHEN are you going to wean her?' 'Well, it's more about the mother isn't it, past six months'. 'You'll never establish boundaries if you carry on giving into her', 'She'll become really clingy', 'why do you still carry her?', 'isn't she too heavy to carry?' 'She won't learn to walk if you keep carrying her' Then offering me a pram....

That sort of thing.

To be honest, I'll call a day on this thread. I'm in a state and I already feel my close friends think I'm a weirdo, I don't need random stranger thinking I'm completely mental/precious either!

Cheers for your input though. wink

dorisbonkers Wed 21-Oct-09 16:42:43

Oh, please don't think I'm ungrateful for offers of prams. I welcome any offers of help. All my daughter's clothes are hand me downs, from said best friend.

I should say that the prams are not offers to 'keep' as such, just when we go to the baby group from our building they say, 'You're NOT STILL carrying her? Borrow a pram...'

That's what I meant. And I should also add I'm very gracious about it.

My main beef is the breastfeeding commenting.

They're not offering me

Babieseverywhere Wed 21-Oct-09 16:50:51


I have this kind of crap support from my mother sad

I have struggled with the directive nature of the unrequested advice I get on a near weekly basis.

I am happily nursing and cosleeping with my 14 month old DS and nursing my 3 year old DD too (she usually pops into out bed around 4am)

Even though I am happy with things at the moment...I still get told that I need to wean and get DS in his own room. Even got given a bed guard.

It is difficult and I wish I knew the answer. I do get upset and cross at times but whatever happens you need to do whatever suits your family (i.e. you and your child) and try not to worry what other people say. Now I'll try and take my own advice. wink

MorrisZapp Wed 21-Oct-09 16:52:01

Sorry doris, I meant that after childbirth what used to be unremarkable chat suddenly becomes laden with apparent criticism in the ears of the beholder - ie you. I didn't mean you were being horrible judgeypants.

I don't think you are mental, I just think that the examples you gave before are of fairly normal human interaction which you have taken to mean criticism of what you're doing.

If your friends say sharp things to you about BF as in your last post, then maybe you just have to be equally sharp back to them, or if you don't feel up to it then ignore it or choose to see more sympathetic people.

People will judge your parenting no matter what you do, for as long as you have kids. As long as you're happy that's all that matters so ignore the doubters.

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