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to think my mum is just hopeless??

(23 Posts)
macdoodle Wed 21-Oct-09 10:25:35

We get on ok - difficult history - she is a bit barmy (or can be) but has mellowed as she gets older - she is only 62 BTW!!

She lives about 200 miles away - we see each other every few months either she comes to me or we go there - but her small house is difficult with the 2DD's.

She she has come to visit which is nice ...but I have to work - I have no leave left other than a few days in half term which I had saved and I really need the money!

DD1 is 8 and goes to school no real issue there - DD2 is 22 months and a bit clingy usually goes to a CM she loves!

I only work till 3 today to get DD1 from school, and mum OFFERED to have DD2 said no point in her going to CM if she is there - which is nice too!

Except she doesnt seem to be able to cope with DD2 - who is a lovely easy baby if a bit boisterous, she moans she is tired, that DD2 doesnt like her (not true she just doesnt seem to make much of an effort with her) I cancelled CM today (but have still paid for it).
DD2 was very clingy didnt want me to go, and my mother was useless, just stood there while DD2 was clinging to me saying "oooh you dont like grandma/ooh no what shall we doo/oooh she should have gone to CM maybe"...and then she toodles off and makes herself a cup of tea and toast hmm, so I try and disentagle DD2 saying "I really need to go, you'll just have to take her , I'm sure she'll settle down once I'm gone", to which she replies "ooh no it'll be a while" - cheers for that as if I dont feel rubbish already!
So she goes to take the screaming kicking toddler with a full cup of HOT tea in her had WTF!!!!!!!

Eventually I disentangle DD2 and leave, onoly to see her stood banging on the front door with no sign of my bloody mother

I've had to come into work but I feel awful, I am sure she will be fine but AIBU to think my mother could have tried a little harder and made it a little easier??

MamaG Wed 21-Oct-09 10:28:14

YANBU. She sounds crap. Get through today as best you can and then next time, don't leave DD2 with her. OR at least wait until she's older.

Your poor bugger, bet you're feeling shit now! I had leave my DD with MIL for a day when she was 3 (so older than yours and def easy to look after!) and I hated it.

MamaG Wed 21-Oct-09 10:28:52

...thing is, when you were there this morning, you were there as a safety net. Now, its just her and DD2 so she'll have to pull her finger out IYKWIM

BrokkenHarted Wed 21-Oct-09 10:29:24

She should have yeah.


diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 10:31:12

My experience is that grandparents seem to have forgotten how to deal with/look after young children.

Or perhaps your mum had no experience of leaving you until you went to school?

I think it´s sometimes a case of spelling out exactly what you want/need!

The tea in the hand is the sort of things my ILs would have done,in a "panic" to deal with child immediately.

Have you phoned?

If things aren´t OK,could your daughter still go to childminders?

cherryblossoms Wed 21-Oct-09 10:31:27

Why did you cancel the CM?

Did she ask to be left with the dc?

I only ask because my pil made it v. clear from the off that they weren't that interested in children per se and weren't up for childcare. Mil didn't do full-time childcare of dh when younger; I think it's not her thing.

I'm completely OK with that; each to their own.

But of course, it's easier if it's your i-ls - their not your parents, so it doesn't carry the emotional baggage of reflecting back on how they felt about you as a child and how they felt about looking after you.

It does sound from your post as though she didn't get a big kick out of childcare first time round and perhaps doesn't want to do all that now she is a grandparent.

It'll be OK though - there are lots of other ways to be a grandparent.

mrsxmas Wed 21-Oct-09 10:37:14

All this and you've paid for the CM anyway? sad

countrybump Wed 21-Oct-09 10:41:28

Oh goodness, she sounds like my mum! Full of good intentions but just no initiative! My mum also likes to look after DS, so when she has stayed I have taken him out of nursery so they can spend time together, but I have to spell out to her exactly what I expect her to do, or she just sits and watches him play, and by the end of the day he has cabin fever from being stuck in the same room all day doing not a lot!

And, she always has to get herself ready before she can look after him - bathed, dressed, breakfasted etc, which takes ages and is really difficult when both DH and I need to get ready for work the bathroom is in use.

If I thought I would actually get to work on time and less stressed if I didn't have to get DS to nursery I was wrong!

Thing is, I love my mum, I do mostly like having her to stay and it's really important to me that my DC spend some quality time with their GPs (all live 200 miles away). And I do appreciate the help that I get, but it would just be nice if mum could use her initiative once in a while!

macdoodle Wed 21-Oct-09 10:47:59

I cancelled the CM because my bloody mother asked me too- she said she WANTED to have DD2 - I asked her twice if she was sure and then left it!

I just called to see if she was ok - she sounded very pathetic, and spent 5 mions telling me how long she cried for, how she called for me, how she got her stool to try and open the front door, and eventually that she seems to have calmed down - could she not have just told me that bit - I feel terrible

Then she laughed and asked what I would have done if she'd still been screaming hmm

I do love my mother, but TBH even as a single parent my life is easier when she isnt here "helping" - I think DD2 can go the the CM as usual on friday

cherryblossoms Wed 21-Oct-09 11:02:03


Sounds like a. Out of practice (don't worry - it'll come back).
b. No brake on mouth. Really. She's not really pausing to think how that is all going to sound to you and the effect it'll have on you.

My dm does that. Though with her, it's because she really, really disapproves of women having any kind of life beyond children - for her own loony reasons.

Honestly. I go to visit her and THE FIRST THING she does is put her arms around the youngest and ask if any of the babysitters have assaulted her or asked her to do anything that made her feel uncomfortable.

Given that your dm is probably less insane than mine, I think you should eat some chocolate, tell yourself firmly that they are bonding and that it will lead to joy all round in the long run and imagine them all having a cuddle on the sofa.

Because they will be. And so there is absolutely no point in you fretting about it. It's all going to be fine and you will arrive home tonight to find them all smiling.

Have a lovely day.

macdoodle Wed 21-Oct-09 11:05:49

Thank you cherry
I am struggling to concentrate, my lovely manager has just brought me a coffee and a biscuit, so will just get my head down and finish up as quickly as I can!

Hullygully Wed 21-Oct-09 11:06:10

Agree with Cherry - and next time take her to the CM no matter what mother says..

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 11:59:26

I think it is nice of your mum to offer, though, and hopefully she is out of practise-but not in an endangering way!

But I agree that with you still haveíng to pay childminder, it doesn´t achieve much, really.

Perhaps another time your mum could just pick your daughter up a couple of hours early instead of having her the whole day?

It´s hard when you try to please the adults at the expense of the children.

girlsyearapart Wed 21-Oct-09 12:18:59

Oh dear my Mum is quite similar.

She'll ring and say she wants to have the dds so I say ok when? she'll say eg I'm free all day on X day' This will eventually turn into 'free but with several appointments dotted around so only realistically free from 230-315' kind of thing.

Mu mum got back from holiday yesterday and called to see how I am (got yet another kidney infection) and to ask whether she could have the dds this avo.

Another call this morniing saying 'Well I've only just come back from holiday so I'll need some time at home to sort things all out' Making me feel guilty about her coming to have them when it was her that asked. hmm

Mothers don't you just love them!

drjane Wed 21-Oct-09 14:30:58

God, I know what you mean - sounds like my mother too. Sometimes makes me wonder how my brother and I ever made it to adulthood. It's the trail of carnage that gets to me when she looks after him - she'll never clear stuff away - straight on to the next thing.

Still, I think once you've gone and they're on their own with them it's good for them both - if you're not there to ask she'll have to figure it out for herself. Makes it easier for next time. At least that's the theory hmm

mankymummymoo Wed 21-Oct-09 14:39:12

When my sisters DCs were little she left them with our DM. She came home at 3pm to absolute bedlam in the house, dried up chicken breasts almost on fire in the oven, no-one home and all the doors unlocked.

DM staggered in at 4pm drunk as a skunk with 2 DCs straggling behind her and baby in arms. She protested she'd only been to the supermarket and kept it up until the owner of the local pub turned up with the baby's pushchair that she had left behind !

Thank god it was years ago or else SS would have been called.

So, maybe your DM isnt so bad?! wink

christiana Wed 21-Oct-09 14:42:55

Message withdrawn

Tigerlily1 Wed 21-Oct-09 15:28:07

gosh, i'm actually pleased to see some other nightmare mother stories on here!!
mine has just turned up at 3pm after i rang her at 11am and said would she mind having ds for a couple of hrs this aft as i feel really ill (4wks to go til new baby). how does it take 4hrs to get ready and come round? everything always takes her hours when i could do it in minutes but ds worships her so i suppose i should be glad about that. just annoying though aren't they?

christiana Wed 21-Oct-09 22:51:19

Message withdrawn

poshsinglemum Wed 21-Oct-09 22:58:05

Are you me? My mum is like this!
Poor dear cannot cope with childcare at all. Makes me feel guilty fr using her.

My mum is slowly loosing all of hre faculties and it IS heartbreaking.

minxofmancunia Wed 21-Oct-09 23:09:16

are you me, my Mum is v similar.

Goes on and on about how much she loves dd who's 3 but is always late because od things sych as filling the care up with petrol or getting stuck at a level crossing!! hmm

comes up to look afetr dd but really seems to struggle, just lets her watch cbeebies all day dd cabin fevered by 3pm.

On the 2 occassions in 2 years when she's looked afer dd overnight because on one occassion we've gone to a wedding and another we've been to a hotel for our wedding anniversary we've arranged with her to have dd until 1ish the next day. Both times text us at 10am saying when are you coming for her?

came up to look after dd once when I was illl with flu (6 months preg too). Rather thsn staying til dh got in from work she left 3 hours early "to miss the traffic" as I was at home ( was really v v poorly).

I wouldn't mind so much but she offers to look after dd then just doesn't seem to want to!

christiana Wed 21-Oct-09 23:39:54

Message withdrawn

macdoodle Thu 22-Oct-09 07:44:12

Am so glad I am not alone
FWIW my mother is NOT losing her faculties (well those she had to start with hmm) - she is a relatively fit 62 - if she wasnt massively overweight and a smoker she would be a lot fitter!

I think she never really had to look after us as children, when we lived in the UK, she had a very over powering MIL, and when we moved to SA - nannies, maids, cooks etc etc!!

And yes its her that offers to help, then just seems a bit helpless - it is very frustrating!!

Luckily am off work today - will take them both out
And on Friday will suggest DD2 goes to CM until DD1 finishes scholl then she can get them both and DD1 can help her wink

Thanks all you've made me feel better its not just me!

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