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mother in law-apparently i am not family...which is nice

(121 Posts)
thesecondcoming Wed 21-Oct-09 09:32:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzylou Wed 21-Oct-09 09:34:39

I think she has just given you the perfect excuse to not invite her, tbh.
BUT may be good to rise above it all, grit your teeth, clench your buttocks and have her for Christmas for your DP's sake?
I will be doing the same thing with my Mom, I just couldn't stand the thought of her being on her own, no matter how much she irritates me.

Bucharest Wed 21-Oct-09 09:36:56

I remember the sister thread...

Just think of it like this...while your poor dh is having to spend the day with his mother, you can lie on the sofa and eat sweetmeats....

Has Christmas been mentioned yet? If she always spent it with the dead sister looks like you might be in for a fun time....

BobbingForPeachys Wed 21-Oct-09 09:39:12

YANBU and I would say wa-hey except that she will be grieving this Christmas. And it is harsh to not put a grieving person's needs first at Christmas.

BTW you'renot my seceret SIL are you? This time last year we were dealing with fall out from a similarish situtaion (MIL refused to tell us time and location of funeral then lost it whren we didn't turn up) and we have not heard from her since. Which is really nice (honestly, wellworth a bottle of champers in my book)

Should clarify she demanded we never contact her agisn and she has form so severe that Richard and Judy invited her on to discuss being a terrible MIL.

LaurieScaryCake Wed 21-Oct-09 09:39:18

I would have no truck with this pile of shite and I would be phoning her to say exactly this "If this is a small family funeral then we are considering a small family Christmas" and leave it hanging in the air to see what she says.

What a petty bitch she is. hmm

pippel Wed 21-Oct-09 09:41:40

under obligation- no but I think you are just going to rise above it.

She sounds like my Nana who decided my sister wasn't family, my parents are divorced and according to her I was my Dads dd and my sister was my Mothers dd, so she refused to have anything to do with her and was actually quiet vicious in her dislike for my sister who was about 5 when they divorced.

She died recently and neither of us went to her funeral in fact I was very relived that I was on holiday when it was the funeral so I had an excuse. I did say I would stay and go but I knew my Dad would tell me to go on holiday. My Dad told me she would want me to go on holiday, which I dont think is true sometimes I think he never actually met his Mother.

Not entirely sure that story's relevant to you blush but it felt good to tell it, I haven't even told anyone that she died.

PCPlumIsMyHomeboy Wed 21-Oct-09 09:41:45

She sounds like an awful old boot. Have a lovely Xmas, just you and your REAL family.

mrsxmas Wed 21-Oct-09 09:57:56

She shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it back.

I expect she's relying on her grief excuse to behave a little worse than usual.

And imagine how she can go to town at Christmas. Do you want her to ruin that too?

TrickOrNinks Wed 21-Oct-09 10:00:08

LOL at "previous" and "vicious old bag" grin

YANBU!

YANBU. MIL's mum was teh same. We had a small family wedding and invited DH's half sister (by his dad) as she is his sister. We did not invite his cousins (as they are not nice people, but anyway).
Grandma then announced that she was not coming, and was not going to offer any money for the wedding, but if we relented and invited DH's aunts and cousins then she woudl pay for the wedding.
We told her to naff orf.

Make sure you preprepare DH with an excuse if he is going to be on his own at the funeral though, as he might just say 'oh yes, do come to us' if she starts getting (understandably as she is grieving) upset

LadyOfTheFlowers Wed 21-Oct-09 10:09:48

'Previous' and 'viscious old bag' fit well with me and mine too.

During DS2s birth, I could have died and she didn't care - long story. shock

Mine also recently said something to DH along the lines of 'No, I mean YOUR family. Me, your Dad and your brother, your Gramp...'
hmm

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 10:13:21

Unfortunately,she´s still your husbands family.

And I agree, you are not really family of your MILs sister,tbh.

I would say go if your husband wants you there, if not, don´t.

He might rather go on his own to support his mum?

Emprexia Wed 21-Oct-09 10:14:58

YANBU.

I've been on the recieving end of "your not family" before and it hurts. the fact i was actually engaged and in the middle of organising my wedding to (then) DP apparently didnt qualify me for being told his mother was in hospital and about to die and i had to ask him to call his brother asap. angry

Anyway.. tell the old trout that if she feels like that, she can take a running jump of a short pier if she thinks she's coming at christmas.

TrickOrNinks Wed 21-Oct-09 10:17:50

LadyOfTheFlowers sad

Christ I am so lucky with my outlaws. MIL is like a big sister to talk to, DH's Grandma is lovely and I have two great SILs. The only problem is that they are 150 miles away although some might say that's the key wink

SCARYspicemonster Wed 21-Oct-09 10:38:14

I used to know this woman whose MIL put her name in brackets on their Christmas card shock

I am keeping a notebook of all the things I must never do as an MIL - it's rather fat but some of these are so beyond the bounds I can't imagine being that mean to someone else.

What does your DH think? I sympathise - have a witch of a gran who we have to have every other year

BobbingForPeachys Wed 21-Oct-09 11:15:06

LOL Scary- me too with the scrapbook (well, mental notes)- I have 4 boys so eeeek! I ahve told Dh topull me up if I get bad, and if / when ds'sget into LT relationships will take GF / BF out, buy wine and tell them to shout me down if I get too invovled of dominating (becuase I know I have tendencies).

When FILleft MIL she expected DH toleave me and our 4 boys and move back in with her as his proper family needed him. Hmmm. I'd have thought that was unique, but Grandad expected the same of my Mum when nan died- wtf?

BobbingForPeachys Wed 21-Oct-09 11:15:54

(I should add MILalready has BIL there as she has managed to kep him partner free since he was 18 by many drastic andm ean ploys- he's 36 now and lonely.)

Jux Wed 21-Oct-09 11:20:17

I would go to the funeral anyway to support dh. However, I wouldn't have her for Xmas. I do think your husband's family is your family, just like your family is your husband's family.

victoriascrumptious Wed 21-Oct-09 11:27:51

2ndcoming: YANBU, don't invite her. My MIL sees me as 'not family' too despite me being in a relationship with her son for 10 years and married for 3.

Don't expend anymore energy on the old bag

5inthetomb Wed 21-Oct-09 11:30:58

YANBU, I like Lauriefairycake's suggestion, tell her you are having a small family christmas grin

My MIL is like this as well. She left my name out of my FIL's rememberance eulogy on the anniversary of his death, because I'm not family, but included the DS's names, even the one FIL had never met. Made me cry for days as I was so close to FIL. I had nursed him in his last dying days and more or less planned his funeral as DH and MIL were too upset to do it.

I just hope I don't turn out to be a bitter twisted old hag horrible MIL.

mrsxmas Wed 21-Oct-09 11:40:23

oh and I've had to step out of a 'family' photo!

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 11:43:40

Mrs Xmas, that is awful.

But OP, I assume your husband is allowed to invite his mum if he wants to?

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Wed 21-Oct-09 11:55:28

Oh dear you're going to have a horrible Christmas.

Hopefully she won't want to spend it with you if she hates you so much. Problem solved then!

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 12:01:58

That would be a good solution, Totally!

mrsxmas Wed 21-Oct-09 12:05:34

It's ok diddl she's had the riot act and is licking her wounds. We'll just have to wait and see what she does next....

OP, I just think she will ruin Christmas because she will be resentful of not having her tradition with her sister and won't be able to help herself and take it out on you.

We had something similar with a graduation (not as serious as a funeral I know) to which I wasn't invited because I wasn't 'family'.

DH didn't go and made it clear if I couldn't go he wasn't interested either. Sometimes it's how you handle it as a couple and whether you allow people to instigate that wedge.

I would be tempted to go anyway as she said 'needn't come' rather than you're actually not invited, iyswim?

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